Beating the odds...Time for vacation!

You all know, these last six months have easily been the WORST six months of my entire life!!!  I've never experienced anything like the nightmare I've survived.  I lost MYSELF, betrayed my heart, and told lies to avoid losing the love of someone who didn't really love me like I thought they did.  I lost my dignity.  I lost friends and family.  I lost my MIND when a mental health crisis crashed my world!  TW:  Attempted suicide.  Battled an eating disorder. (End TW) Was diagnosed with depression and BPD.....ALL within six months.  I'm STILL here though...beating ALL odds that were set against me!

Recovery is HARD, but it's possible.  I've been putting in MAJOR work!!  Therapy session after therapy session.  DBT session after DBT session.  Al-anon meeting after Al-anon meeting.  Calls and meetings with my sponsor even when I didn't feel like it.  Keeping my appointments with my nutritionist and sticking to a plan EVEN when eating was the LAST thing on my mind.  Life Coaching sessions even when my LIFE felt hopeless.  Taking and tweaking medicine regimens even when the meds were making me sick.  Not to mention more inpatient stays than I ever care to remember...all in the name of trying to be the BEST ME I can be.

Have I stumbled?  Yes.  Have I sometimes regressed?  Yes.  Have I allowed people and things to make me spiral backwards?  Yep.  I'm STILL human.  I have feelings. I experience intense emotions.  YET. STILL. I. RISE.   Each time I bounce back quicker than the time before.  I have BPD, but BPD doesn't have ME!!!

Today, I'm leaving for a tropical vacation!!!!  After the whirlwind of the last six months, I DESERVE a vacation!!  Not a vacation from recovery, because I've learned to NEVER take a day off from making life better for myself.  I'm simply changing scenery.  This week I'll spend time working on "me" from a beach!  I have my reading material packed...and I'll read from the pool.  Guided Meditation downloaded....I'll find a quiet spot on the beach in the early or late morning hours.  I've scheduled to attend electronic Al-Anon sessions while I'm gone, and YES...my sponsor will be checking to make sure!  Meds are packed.  I'm ready!  I may not blog again this week, but I'll be sure to share some wonderful photo's with you when I return.

Nietzsche said..."That which does not kill us makes us stronger".  One of my twitter followers took it a step further and said that wound that you experienced wasn't a death sentence, but a LIFE sentence.  Embrace the healing and start living!!! So with that, I affirm today that I am ALREADY healed, happy, loving, wealthy, successful, confident, physically and emotionally well!!

Holiday Blues...

I guess there could be any number of reasons that I've been overly emotional for the past few weeks.   Maybe it's because I finally realize how broken I really am.  How much my heart aches, how much pain and hurt is present in my heart...and how far I'm away from healing. Total Brokenness.
Maybe it's because my past and the people in it are constantly being brought to my attention. 
Maybe it's because I experience periods of loneliness. People have removed themselves and I've completely detached (with love) from the codependent relationships in my life.  That makes four fewer people in my life than this time last year, and for the most part---these people constituted my entire support system.
Maybe it's the strained relationships that I have with multiple family members and our inability to overcome disagreements.
Maybe it's the upcoming holiday season...it is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, right?  Well for me its not.  I seriously wish I could hibernate through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's only to wake up on January 1, 2013.  Ideally, I'd wake up to the realization that what I've been living these last few years, was nothing more than a nightmare; a really bad dream.
Maybe facing the reality of that not happening has me emotional.

Maybe it's just a combination of it all.  Looking into the kaleidoscope of my life, nothing is quite coming into focus.  All I know is that I've been an emotional wreck...crying at the drop of a dime.

Am I headed into another depressive episode?  Not exactly.  What's different now (than say a year ago), is that I'm able to recognize my symptoms, and this sometimes enables me to prevent a complete downward spiral.  During this valley experience, I've become very in tuned to myself.  I notice the most subtle changes in my emotions.  I'm now completely aware of my triggers and I'm constantly tweaking my action plan on how to deal better with them when they arise. 

So how do I avoid a depressive episode when I do notice the changes in my emotions??

1.  I treat myself gently with kindness and forgiveness.  I do NOT beat up on myself for feeling the way I feel. 

2.  I force myself to get out of the bed after I've slept for 8 hours....and I try to do at least 20 minutes of activity daily. (Preferably outdoors)

3.  I listen to relaxation sounds almost 24/7.  This is new for me, but it has helped SO much!!  The sounds of a calming soft stream...or gentle rainfall plays constantly---even through the night.

4.  I burn SAGE!!

5.  I use Rose, Jasmine and Bergamot oils as aromatherapy...usually in my bath.  Sometimes, I put a few drops of the oil on an old cloth and inhale the scent a few times a day.

6.  I try to make sure I eat and hydrate properly...and I indulge in LOTS of white tea (Teavana's Golden Mojito)!  I'm extra careful to take ALL prescribed medication AS prescribed.

7.  I try to steer clear of anything that could potentially kill my spirit.  Only you know what those things are in your life....but for me, it's subliminal messages from people that are angry with me--- by way of blogs, tweets, facebook, instagram, etc.

8.  I  speak openly in my support group.  Al-Anon has been a LIFESAVER. (Point blank, period) 

9.  I meditate-twice a day.

10.  I try to indulge in those things that I enjoy. 


While it's not always possible to prevent a depressive episode...these are things that I've done to minimize its effects.  Find out what works for you, and share them with others that may be dealing with the same thing.

Codependency

Recently, I've been learning about and dealing with codependency in both my psychotherapy sessions and Al-Anon.  It's never really an easy pill to swallow when you suddenly realize you have more issues to tackle! As if the depression and BPD diagnosis weren't already enough...I now have the added codependency traits that I'm also learning to recover from.

While I was in high school, I attended a few Ala-teen group sessions at the recommendation of a teacher.  I was very much cognizant of the meaning of codependency yet completely unaware that over the years, my actions had completely transformed into those of a codependent.  A friend of mine had passively thrown the term about, in describing my actions...and my behavior as it related to her, but I didn't take heed.  It wasn't until my life came crashing down and my world was torn apart---that TRUE self discovery started to take place.  I was at a place where I was completely lost...I didn't know who I was or how I had become that person.  Right before my first inpatient hospitalization, I remember sitting in a client's office one day and I completely broke down!  I cried at my desk, and a co-worker came in and asked what was wrong...all I could say was "I feel like I'm losing my mind, I feel like I'm going crazy."  Codependency had taken over my life, and taken on a life of its own.  Both my therapist and psychiatrist have said that often times, people go through cycles or periods of codependency.  That was definitely true for me, I've seen it amplified over the past 2-3 years.

"Codependency is a behavioral and psychological condition in which a person sacrifices his/her own wants and needs in order to maintain an unhealthy relationship. It is also called “relationship addiction”. Codependency is probably due to the intense fear and frantic efforts to avoid abandonment common in BPD." (BPD & Codependency, Becky Oberg)

EEEEEK....Codependency AND BPD....I mean c'mon.  Not a combination I'd wish on my worst enemy!

In my codependent world, I attached myself to people, sometimes even lying to and deceiving those I truly loved...to ensure they loved me back (people pleasing.)  I obsessively held on tightly to these people that I was so very dependent on.  I would sacrifice myself...to make sure their needs were met, that they were happy, that their problems were solved, that they were taken care of (care-taking.)  I centered my LIFE around these people to ensure my security and happiness (control).  I convinced myself that I couldn't live without these people--- because of course my relationship with them was more important to me than I was to myself.  Point blank, I was dependent on someone else's approval, presence, love and their need for me.  Did I need something in return?  Of course I did.  I was desperate for validation.  I was desperate for love.  I needed to be needed.   My self-worth was ONLY boosted when I was able to see the positive difference I made in their lives.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a giver at heart.  I give freely without expectation. I love HARD and I generally give 110% in any relationship/friendship I'm in.  I 'm extremely compassionate and empathetic naturally. That's the HEALTHY part of my true character.  The unhealthy/codependent part comes into play when I allowed those relationships, people and their problems to consume me...when I crossed the boundaries and made it my responsibility to please them and care for them without their consent or request. Bottom line is I severely lacked self worth and self-esteem.  I didn't love myself enough to think that someone could actually love me for who I am.

So how am I recovering from being a co-dependent?  Therapy and life coaching have been SUPERB in getting me out of that self-destructive cycle.  I admitted that I had a problem and took ownership for the messes I made. I didn't want to face the ugly truth, so for years, I lived with beautiful lies. I'm thankful that the truth has finally set me free.  I had to rid myself of the codependent relationships in my life.  Some removed themselves from my life, others I had to detach from with love.  Today, I'm taking time to focus on ME. I accept myself for who I truly am, I'm finding happiness and peace within.  I'm learning to love myself just as I am.  It has taken A LOT of work, but I see an improved difference every day.  I am perfectly imperfect, lovable and deserve to be loved.  I'm no longer afraid of being myself.  There's SOMEBODY in the world that's willing to love the person I've been hiding. I've removed the mask that has kept me safe and in control, I see myself and now I'm being myself.   I'm becoming my OWN best friend; "you love, say, give and do your best for your best friend." -D.Furstenburg...and TODAY, my best friend is, ME!

Emotional Bullies

Even before being diagnosed with BPD, a serious fear of abandonment has been apparent in my life. I honestly didn't know it was a "REAL" psychological issue.  As a result, I've often times stayed in relationships longer than I should have...gotten married when I shouldn't have...and clung dearly to the emotional bullies in my life.  Yep, with all the intelligence, common sense, and education that I posses, I continued to hang on to the emotional bullies, at all costs---including my sanity.  These bullies were co-workers, best friends, and YES---even my own family members.  They were people that I love (even now) with my whole heart, people that I think the world of and people that I would bet my entire life savings would never leave or abandon me.  The very people that knew my fear used it against me.  Emotional abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse, yet it's one of the least talked about. It's very subtle but anything that causes another person emotional pain is considered emotional bullying. Below are some signs I recognized of the emotional bullies in my life.

1.  Isolating- Attacking someones relationships that they have with other people is a way to isolate you, so that you are only available to the bully.  I had a friend that gave me "advice" and "counsel" that caused me to distance myself from family, friends and others that may be concerned about my well being.  There was a constant verbal trashing of my friends and family- as well as a control of the amount of interaction I had with them.  These actions made me solely dependent on my friend for EVERYTHING-including support, love and affection.  

2.  Emotional Black Mail- When they threaten to abandon you, to end the relationship.  This is a way of controlling me, because for sure this plays on my weaknesses and vulnerabilities.  Often times, people in my life would "punish" me for not behaving in the way that they wanted me to.  On an emotional level, they withheld the very needs they knew got me through each day.  Punishment is a definite form of manipulation.

3.  Withholding Affection-This is another form of emotional blackmail but it's deeper.  For me, it was the withholding of psychological and emotional nurturing.  I once had a family member who wouldn't speak to me for weeks at a time when I did something displeasing to them.  They deliberately withheld their daily communication, concern, support and love.  Which left me feeling rejected, abandoned and unworthy.

4.  Rejection-  They ignore you, give you the silent treatment, talk to others ABOUT you but won't talk to you, give you the cold shoulder and pushes you away.  Left feeling unwanted and unlovable, yet you still cling to and grateful for whatever little affection this person show you.

We've all heard the term "drama queen."  A drama queen is someone who turns something unimportant into a major deal---someone who responds irrationally and disproportionately to minor incidents... believe it or not, being a drama queen can be a form of emotional bullying.

The below is from Blogger News Network

Although they come in many forms, Drama Queens share some common traits.  They:

• Are hypersensitive, highly emotional and easily hurt.  They’re super-intense, angry, hostile and emotional. They over-react as if everything is a matter of life and death.
• They misunderstand, jump to conclusions and blow up and demand apologies.
• Are perfectionistic, nit-picking, control freaks.  They’re vindictive blamers. They take everything personally and remember forever.
• Take over every situation or group.  They act as if their drama is more important than anything else in the world.  Nothing and nobody else matters; not even getting results.
• Think that spewing of emotions reveals the “real” person.  They’re uncomfortable with people they see as expressionless.  To Drama Queens, loud emotions show strength; calm people are wimps.

Yes, I've had my fair share of drama queens in my life too.  They've misunderstood me, jumped to conclusions about me, and started rumors from THEIR misunderstanding. They are the most perfect people I know, with faults even they can't see.  The emotional turmoil that they experience is above anything else that anyone else experiences. They are authentic and possess traits of integrity, except for when they say things like "Ill never abandon you", "Your secrets are safe with me",  and "You're stuck with me forever"....just to disappear, abandon you and reveal your secrets to the world.  
 

Surprisingly, the most common advice I've received from both therapists and friends alike about how to deal with emotional bullies has been to "Just ignore them, they'll go away". Unfortunately, they won't.  They get satisfaction from bullying you even if you don't respond.  If you DO respond (which I regrettably did last week) they get an extra thrill from the evidence of their power over you.

I obviously don't have the answer on how to deal with emotional bullies, especially when it comes from people that you love dearly,  but I will say this.  I've radically accepted that they are happy being the way they are, with all the drama-queen behavior and their genuine self-inflicted pain.  We can't change ANYONE, we can only change ourselves.  So with that, I've learned to detach myself from those that emotionally bully me.  "Detachment is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement." Al-Anon Member

Regrets & Regression...

So, last week...I started writing a blog on my first inpatient stay at Dominion Mental Hospital.  For sure, it triggered me. Before I could catch myself I had quickly slipped back into the dark place that I've fought so hard to get out of.  I was screaming at myself in my head...."NOOOOOO, you're going BACKWARDS!!!  WRONG WAY!!!!"  I felt ashamed that I had regressed after spending so much time, effort and energy on getting to a better place, and seeing life more clearly.  This clearer view of life is more easily accomplished when I'm in an inpatient setting, or even when enrolled in a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP), where I'm for the most part shielded from the triggers that send me tumbling.  Unfortunately, I can't spend the rest of my life in inpatient or in PHP.  I must somehow- at some point, properly adjust to life without the security of those programs.  How do I exert the same confidence and self-assurance that I had in inpatient & PHP when I'm thrust back into the real world, the world full of my triggers....the world where I spend more time regretting things that I can't change?

I woke up Wednesday morning in tears...full of regret.  Full of remorse.  Full of shame.  Full of sorrow.  Full of hurt.  How did I get here SO quickly after having weeks of progress?  I thought that I had radically accepted some of the things I can't change...but suddenly I began to doubt myself.  I suddenly realized that my "hope" for certain situations to be better in my life was diminishing.  Was this diminishing hope the reason for my regression?  I was confused.  I posed a question to my twitter #BPDFriends asking whether or not having "hope" prevents "acceptance."  My twitter friend @messyartoflvng always has the best responses...she responded, "As Long as you accept that hope does not change the fact that something is as it is."  In that moment I instantly felt relieved but regret continued to follow me throughout the day.

For most of my life, I've tried not to live with regrets.  Everything in life happens for a reason, and I try to learn the lessons from the seasons rather than regret.  Over the last few years, I've actually developed a few regrets, even though I've gained a tremendous amount of practical and life experiences from these seasons.  I had to come to the understanding that living with regret isn't a sign of weakness. There is nothing wrong with wishing I had never done something, it only reminds me that I have high expectations of myself, and that I can do better!!!

 “If we have goals and dreams and want to do our best. If we really love people and don’t want to hurt them, we should feel pain when things go wrong,” - Kathryn Schulz

 So how do I learn to transition from the security of inpatient/PHP...I must live one minute at a time.  One minute eventually leads to one day at a time.It sounds like a simple concept, but really in my life with BPD, I've found this challenging.  I've often times been so concerned about what's going to happen in the future, that I forget to take care of me in the here and now.  For sure, I've come SO far.  I've actually learned to not allow my moments of darkness to completely consume me and my day.  I deal with the dark moments as they come and I try with everything that's in me...NOT to allow those moments to turn into days.  I begin and end my day in prayer, and I don't pick the previous day's darkness up the next day.  I've surrounded myself with like-minded people that understand me & this disorder.  I keep all therapy and coaching appointments.  I take all medication as prescribed.  I attend on-line & in person Al-Anon meetings.  I am doing EVERYTHING I can....to get to a better place for ME.  My past mistakes don't define me, neither do my temporary moments of darkness. So with that, I'm encouraged to continue pressing on.....One minute at a time!

I Made It Through Another Day's Journey...

I started writing a blog last week about my first inpatient stay.  Needless to say, it triggered so many emotions, and before I knew it...I had pummeled into a dark place, yet again!

I reached out to my Mom, who has been a God sent on this portion of my journey and she put things in perspective with one little sentence.  "Markeeda, you're going to have these days---at least it isn't EVERY DAY."  She's right, three months ago....or even a month ago....I had these dark days EVERY DAY...so as I look at how far I've come, I realize that I may not be where I want to be, but I thank God I'm not where I was.

I re-tweeted a powerful tweet the other day that pretty much summed up my sentiments in my last blog post about being understood. "I want someone that understands how much they affect my moods/emotions & takes that into consideration."

Then it hit me...While I want to be understood by everyone, there ARE people in my life that DO understand  and support me.  While I want some of the people of my past to reassure me, new people are being brought into my life to help me through this phase. While I want to heal broken family relationships, I realize that I spent 18 years being groomed for this very time.  While life isn't ALL that I want it to be, I've made it through another day's journey....and miles ahead of where I was last month, cause I'm still HERE!  #Perspective

I just want to quickly encourage someone today...that can't see their way out of the darkness---that better days are coming.  It WILL get better, just hold on, as tight as you can, and DON'T LET GO!  Don't GIVE UP!!!  I promise you, trouble doesn't last always....it WILL get better!!!!

I had to take a few days to regroup after halfway finishing the blog about my first inpatient stay, but I'll finish it this week for sure!

I Just Want To Be Understood

I originally started this blog in a quest to be understood.  There were people in my life, that I unintentionally inflicted hurt and pain upon and I had a need and a want to be understood.  While I fundamentally understood their point of view, I didn't feel as though they were as open to understanding mine, which led to feelings of invalidation and rejection .  I'm not sure if this is the general consensus of all those that are living with BPD, but every day I think to myself..."what if" they just understood.  They being the non-borderline people in my life.  The people who I love, the people that I've hurt, my family, my friends..."what if" they understood me---understood this disorder, my life would be so much more manageable.

I read a blog from my twitter friend @Messyartoflvng that made me think of this even more.  In her blog, she said "I feel like I need help in a safe place with people that understand this mindset, these issues and the ridiculous things I do because of them."

I saw a tweet from Iyanla Vanzant yesterday, that said if you want Iyanla to fix your relationship....go fill out this form.  I of course, rushed to the link with expediency!  Of course I want Iyanla to fix ALL that I've recently lost...but then the shame consumed me.  The shame of having BPD, and the shame of having to share that with the world, in the unlikely event that I was even chosen.  I realized that maybe even Iyanla wouldn't understand me, and that temporarily deterred me from applying. My wise mind  (DBT still at work) showed up, and I actually did fill out the form.  NO MORE shame!!!

Sometimes, it saddens me that the only people that seem to understand me, are the other people that suffer from this disorder just as I do.  I want the non-borderline's in my life to UNDERSTAND!! Perhaps I'm the one that really doesn't understand...or perhaps I have an unrealistic expectation from people that claim to love me...

I'm trying to radically accept that everybody won't understand everything, but I'm going to be honest.  I haven't mastered that acceptance and I seriously struggle with this daily.  On an emotional level, being misunderstood causes me an enormous amount of frustration and pain.

I want them to understand, that even though I unintentionally hurt them, I hurt too.  My hurt is often times what they are feeling, intensified by 1000.  I DO feel shame and guilt as a result of my actions, and I feel it more intensely than most! Hypersensitivity, it's REAL.

I want them to understand , that although my false-self manifested it's way into the world via my relationships---what was real was my authentic self. (A.J. Mahari)  My love was authentic.  I'm slowly but surely finding my true self, and I'm giving it more credence than my false self....

I want them to understand, I am NOT my diagnosis.  People diagnosed with BPD, that seek professional help DO get better.  I'm doing my part, I just want you to support me.  Don't abandon me as I make every effort to beat this thing!

I want them to, separate the person from the disorder. Love me, but hate BPD.  If you took the time to educate yourself about the disorder you may understand better.  Understanding sometimes leads to compassion.  Compassion goes a long way!

I want them to understand, the absolutely absurd, unnecessary and ridiculous things that I did because of this disorder.  I've lied, and often times became the person I thought you wanted me to be in an attempt to gain your love and affection.  This doesn't mean I haven't changed.  The more I love myself, the more I learn that it's OK to unashamedly be my flawed self.

I want them to understand, that I've suffered from a lack of self-worth, self-love, and self-esteem for pretty much all of my life.  These issues won't be corrected overnight, but I'm committed and dedicated to long term help!  I don't want you to save me, I simply want you to stand by as I save myself.  If you're absent, how will you know the positive changes that I'm making in my life?

I want them to understand, that the silent treatment is a brutal form of emotional abuse.  Being ignored is honestly the worst feeling ever.  Your ignoring me is a form of punishment for having a mental illness that I'm working hard to control.

I want them to understand, that lying helped me to avoid the pain.  Therapy has helped me face the pain.  DBT has helped in dealing with my emotions surrounding the pain.

I want them to understand, that I wanted/needed to connect with a reality that was better than mine...good or bad.  Now I'm facing my reality, and I realize that my life, purpose and future are worth fighting for.

I want them to understand, that I'm not a bad person, I'm not a monster, I'm not crazy. I have Borderline. I'm a human being, with real feelings.  I'm discovering who I REALLY am, and although it's taken 37 years for it to happen, better late than never.

I just want more than anything to be understood.....

"Back From The Edge"

"Back from the Edge" is a documentary on BPD done by the New York Presbyterian Hospital.

It's pretty lengthy (48 min long), and I'm sure only people REALLY interested in learning more about BPD and about those of us that live with it will actually watch it in it's entirety.  For those not interested in watching, I outlined a few points below, especially those relative to MY life living with BPD.  Enjoy!

"People with BPD experience emotions more intensely than others."

"People with BPD tend to be very dependent and clingy."

"You can't have interpersonal relationships if you're not emotionally stable."

"People thought I had everything together...they thought everything was perfect because that's how I appeared to the world"

"Felt like a Chameleon-there is a sense of not knowing who you are. I was being who other people wanted me to or expected me to be."

" I was becoming someone else so people would like me...therefore being a part of something.  I didn't know how to be."

"People with BPD often times conform to what they think other people want from them."

"People with BPD need other people to regulate them.  The relationships that they form often times breathe life into them"

"Absences or separations from the relationships that they form are catastrophic in their significance...like they don't exist themselves."

"People with Bordeline don't know they are being manipulative."

"Manipulation assumes a person has the skills to think and then execute a plan.  Manipulation in that sense can't be applied to people with BPD."

"I had physical aggression, NOT against anyone."

"As I began to feel more and more worthless as a person, I began to feel people would be better off without me."

"People with the disorder find great relief from being diagnosed."

"BPD is an imminently treatable disorder.  Patients can be helped...have a good chance to get better."

"BPD is a disorder of relations.  Recovery involves getting back into communities and having relationships, tolerating the stress and building a life for yourself again."

"People with this disorder get better!!!!"

For loved ones of someone living with BPD..."Participate in therapy.  Get to know what's going on and what to expect"

"Recovery is not a sprint, but a long distance race."

"...The will and desire to confront what's going on with yourself.  If you confront it, things will be so much better.  It takes faith and trust in the people around you to admit having something so stigmatized and then put yourself in their hands and say please help."

Life Goes On...

I neglected to say in my last two posts, that I never in a million years would have thought that "I" would be suffering from a mental illness.  People generally look at me as accomplished, well off, successful, and skilled in my profession.  No matter the accolades I received, I still felt like a failure, inadequate, insecure and never quite good enough; but that goes right back to the signs of BPD---an unstable self image or sense of self.

I DID NOT know I that had BPD when I've built any of the friendships I have had over my lifetime, or when I cultivated the relationships throughout my life, or even with the rise and demise of my marriage, I was CLUELESS.  Had I known, I would have certainly revealed that information...as a precaution to ANYONE that attempted to form any type of relationship with me.  This is no different than if I had an infectious disease that could possibly put someone else at risk, I'd reveal.  But I didn't know, and I didn't intentionally build a friendship to hurt or betray.  In FACT, in this particular instance (with my friend), I actually set out to do what God urged me to do, and that was sow into her life finacially.  Had I stuck with doing ONLY what he said do, I would have probably saved everyone, including myself a lot of pain. 

What I did know.... I knew that I didn't befriend people often, but when I did...the connections would be extremely intense.  I knew that my inner circle was more like a dot, than an actual circle, outside of the childhood friends I made, there weren't others...but I chalked that up to my being extremely shy, introverted, quiet and private.  This no doubt came from how I was raised.  What I saw going on in my household, was NOT to be repeated....and I didn't.  I in turn grew up to be watchful but quiet. 

It troubled me ALOT that my friend felt as though I came into her life to intentionally hurt and betray her....with a mental illness that I didn't even KNOW existed at the time.  I've since had to radically accept (DBT at work) that I can't change what people think or feel about me.

So....Life after diagnosis.

I must say that I've spent an enormous amount of time and money working on getting to a better place after my diagnosis.  My BPD diagnosis was coupled with a severe depression diagnosis, thus resulting in a few inpatient stays, as well as PHP.  My first night in inpatient, as I cried myself to sleep, I told myself that I was greater than my struggles...and I was going to fight my way back to ME.  I've put in the work, and though the road is extremely long, and I have ages before full recovery...I have HOPE that one day I'll get there. 

I can't do it alone though, and I learned from one of my in-patient stays that when you have no friend/family support, you have to rely on your formal support system...and I have a FORMAL support system that helps me every step of the way.  You're not supposed to keep a good thing to yourself, so today...I'll share where MY help comes from:






1.  GOD

2.  My Psychatrist- Dr. Jamuna Raju, Arlington VA

3.  My Psychologist- Dr. Rose Merchant, Clinton MD

4.  My Life Coach (just added)- Tiffany Taylor, @TiffanyLael

5. Outpatient DBT Team at The Retreat at Sheppard Pratt, Baltimore MD

6. The BEST DAILY BPD help ever from Debbie Corso, @healingfrombpd

Currently I'm on 40 MG of Celexa, 25MG of Doxepin, 600 MG of Trileptal daily and 25 MG of Sonata daily---and Ativan as needed for Anxiety. I meet with my psychiatrist monthly to assess the effectiveness of my meds.  I attend weekly sessions of psychotherapy with my psychologist. Weekly DBT sessions, both individual and group. I have monthly sessions with my life coach. I get DAILY doses of inspiration, encouragement and tips for living with BPD from Debbie via twitter and facebook.






Well, that's all for now #BPDFriends...please know, that you're NEVER ALONE!  We're in this thing together!

Understanding BPD....

So...two months after my initial diagnosis, my friend began dating someone very close to me.  As they began courting and dating a lot of information was revealed about me that completely shocked her.  I was NOT the person that she thought I was.  There were inconsistencies (let's call a spade a spade, they were lies) and major exaggerations about my life that she couldn't even begin to understand.  Who was this person that she thought she knew?  Most people with BPD wear masks...we become who we think you want us to be, and we hide our true selves out of fear of rejection.  I can honestly say this really WAS me.  The professional world calls us manipulative, liars, and narcissists....but sometimes, we really don't even know our reality from the lies.  None of what I did or said was done intentionally to hurt or betray her, in fact, they were totally unconscious acts, but I fell into the BPD cycle, and began to continue living this lie out of the fear that if she knew who I REALLY was, she would abandon me, and I was correct.  Abandonment Sensitivity is just one of the  apparent signs of a person living with BPD.  Often times, when we perceive we are being abandoned, we behave in desperate frantic ways in an attempt to avoid the abandonment.  For sure, with her....I did.  I begged her not to leave me or give up on me.

She was furious to know that I had indeed lied to her about portions of my life.  NOT my upbringing, NOT what I've suffered through most of my life....but about superficial things that were irrelevant to even lie about.  She lives a life that's based on truth and authenticity, and I invaded her life and her space with immorality and lies.

Understandably so, she was too angry to ever really listen to what I attempted to explain.  There was always anger and consternation in her voice when I tried to call.  She placed a lot of blame, which I deserved...but she was blinded by her anger, and I never got an opportunity to explain or reveal.   Not that she would have believed me at that point anyway, I'd spent almost two years living a semi-lie.  I tried desperately to get her to speak with my psychiatrist, so that someone other than ME could tell her about the hell that I had been living, but to no avail.  It was too late.  I had betrayed beyond repair, and I was left feeling hopeless and empty.  Left to struggle with overcoming not only BPD, but also surviving the severe depression that resulted from losing both her (as well as the person she had begun to date.). Finally my worst fears were realized. My life was shattered in a million pieces, and I couldn't even BEGIN to see how I was to go on.

Even as I entered the recovery process for depression....and healing from BPD, I realized I still had a LONG way to go!  Often times, people with BPD abandon people, before they abandon them.  This was no different for me.  In one of my emotional impulses, I deleted her (and all her friends) from my  Facebook account, and Instagram.  There was no purpose in it, other than to shut her out of my life, before she could shut me out of hers.  People with BPD are so emotional sometimes, we get impulsive...and do anything to relieve the pain.  What often feels like something "small" to the normal person is often magnified and intensified to us...intense emotions such as fear, hurt, anxiety, anger, sadness, and shame can last for hours or days.

People who suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder often have histories of intense relationships that begin and end very suddenly....LORD, am I a witness to THIS!

I say all this to say...it's so important for the non-borderline people in our lives to get educated about this mental illness, because sometimes....education leads to understanding, and understanding sometimes leads to compassion. I truly wish all the victims that have come into contact with someone that is living with BPD would seek to be educated as well....not as a means of reconciliation and restoration per say, but as that final piece to the puzzle of healing.  Sometimes, if you really understood WHY people do the things that they do.....it helps in the healing process.  I'm EXTREMELY sorry, for the lives I've ruined because of this..to the people I've hurt, betrayed and let down.  I can repair some of those relationships, but the ones I can't, I accept my role in why it can't be repaired.  I plan to do open letters to the people in my life that I've hurt, but I need more internet time than I'm currently afforded to get that done.

I'm not suggesting that I deserve a "get out of jail free" card, because ultimately....no matter what disorder I have, there are always choices to be made, and I made HORRIBLE ones.  My diagnosis and discovery doesn't absolve me of  ANY of my indiscretions.  There are consequences to EVERY choice we make, and I'm learning to live with the consequences of my actions.  BUT, I just want to be understood...and not mislabeled as a horrible person, as a monster, as a nightmare.....because although I made horrible decisions that negatively affected the life of another, those labels about me simply aren't true, or fair.  The biggest misconception and label that has been placed on me is that I was a physical threat to my friend.  A physical threat to myself, YES.  Bringing harm, or a physical threat to her or others, NEVER.   It saddens me that people sometimes tend to invalidate my pain, and claim that my mental illness isn't real.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...but try it for a day, or even an hour. You'll see it's very real.

What I am, is a strong person...that's battling to understand who I am.  Every day is a struggle, but I am determined more than ever to regain my life!  I understand that I have self-identity issues, self-esteem issues, self-worth issues, and self-love issues.  These issues are from deeply rooted childhood problems.  But, as I think, I'm proud of myself for going through what "normal" people couldn't even handle.  I'm proud of how strong I am, and how much ability I have to cope with emotional pain.  I am...a strong, amazing, beautiful soul.......that's well on my way to a long road that ends with full recovery.

My next blog will outline my current treatment regimine, my formal support team, and where I am on this journey.

Lastly...I'll leave you with this video, that explains a little how I'm feeling today!  To all my #BPDBuddies, you are NOT Alone!!!!!

Boderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

My BPD Story....

This past July, I encountered a situation where I did something TOTALLY out of character.  A friend of mine began dating a guy.  Prior to this, my friend and I were pretty much inseparable.  We spoke on the phone several times a day, messaged one another incessantly, visited often and texting was pretty much an every day event too.  As she began to date, I felt her pull away from me....and I literally lost my mind.  I made EVERY attempt at making SURE she didn't "leave me".  You may be reading this, and thinking like most---that I was crazy, but THIS is the life INSIDE of someone living with BPD. You see, people living with BPD often make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.  Whether it was real or imagined, I felt as though she wasn't paying attention to me  anymore.  She wasn't calling as often, not texting much, and my frequent visits were now in question because there was someone ELSE in here life that also needed to visit.  I was consumed with fear and anger, yet again another symptom of living with BPD, inappropriate, intense anger...and I did some things to hurt her, before she could hurt me.  I packed every single item that I had stored at her home, and I took it with me.  You see, people with BPD live in black or white....there is no grey in our worlds.  Either she was gonna be my friend...or she wasn't---there was NO in between, in MY mind....she couldn't be my friend AND have a happy life of her own. 

So I left- heartbroken that she hadn't chosen ME over her own happiness, and she was left wondering WTF was going on in my "crazy ass" head. What neither of us realized at the time, was that I was suffering from BPD...and all of the BPD "catch phrases" were evident in that situation.  I repeatedly asked her not to leave me, not to give up on me, I panicked and ran outside after her barefoot when all she wanted to do was take a walk to clear her head.....in MY mind, she was leaving me. People with BPD tend to do ANYTHING, just so you won't leave them.

She was noticeably more distant after that incident, and I once again panicked.  I immediately recognized an increase in impulsive behavior on my part, but emotionally, I shut down. I kept it all in. I fell into a depression. I didn't eat. Panic attacks were increasing. I fainted from dehydration. Hospital visits were frequent...this was NO way to live. I immediately began to seek answers as to WHY I was behaving so erratically.  I had been seeing a therapist for some time, regarding childhood stuff that I've been trying to overcome in my adult life...but this situation was SERIOUS.  I didn't even know who I was...and I didn't like it.

I was met with opposition.  It seemed as if NO psychiatrist in the entire Washington DC area were accepting new clients...the BEST psychiatrists had waiting lists and weren't scheduling appointments until 3 months away.  But God dropped a gem into my lap...and she opened up a whole new world for me as I was properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  This probably should have been the point at which I shared my diagnosis with my friend.  I was too ashamed.  The stigma behind people with mental illnesses are vast, and I didn't want to be offically labelled as "crazy"...she had in fact called me that several times, and I didn't want her to think that she was right.  So I hid my diagnosis, and suffered in silence, hoping that I could get meds and therapy, and make it all better (or make it go away) before she caught on.  Truth is, there is no cure for BPD...no magic pill...and it's something I'm stuck with for the rest of my life.  Many people actually go on to live healthy lives with proper medication management and therapy.  I personally do psychotherapy in addition to DBT (individual & group) and just added a life coach!

At some point, I'll reveal my ENTIRE formal support team...all my doctors, hospital inpatient care facilities, etc....but today is about BPD education.

What is BPD??  I'm glad you asked!! (info from Mayo Clinic)

Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.
Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:

• Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, promiscuity , gambling sprees, compulsive spending or illegal drug use
• Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
• Wide mood swings
• Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
• Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
• Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
• Suicidal behavior
• Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
• Fear of being alone
• Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing

When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. Your self-image, self-identity or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes you may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals and values.
Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty accepting gray areas — things seem to be either black or white.

In my next blog, I'll fast forward to what happened two months AFTER my diagnosis...how I hit rock bottom, how my worst fears were realized,  how I lost just about everything that mattered to me...and how I hated BPD for ruining my life---THIS made me fight even harder to beat this thing, and take control back over my life!

Lastly, I'll leave you with this video that I feel NAILS what it feels like living with BPD.  I couldn't have made a better video....it explains EVERYTHING I've felt over the past few years of my life.  If you're living with BPD....you are NOT alone!