Understanding BPD....

So...two months after my initial diagnosis, my friend began dating someone very close to me.  As they began courting and dating a lot of information was revealed about me that completely shocked her.  I was NOT the person that she thought I was.  There were inconsistencies (let's call a spade a spade, they were lies) and major exaggerations about my life that she couldn't even begin to understand.  Who was this person that she thought she knew?  Most people with BPD wear masks...we become who we think you want us to be, and we hide our true selves out of fear of rejection.  I can honestly say this really WAS me.  The professional world calls us manipulative, liars, and narcissists....but sometimes, we really don't even know our reality from the lies.  None of what I did or said was done intentionally to hurt or betray her, in fact, they were totally unconscious acts, but I fell into the BPD cycle, and began to continue living this lie out of the fear that if she knew who I REALLY was, she would abandon me, and I was correct.  Abandonment Sensitivity is just one of the  apparent signs of a person living with BPD.  Often times, when we perceive we are being abandoned, we behave in desperate frantic ways in an attempt to avoid the abandonment.  For sure, with her....I did.  I begged her not to leave me or give up on me.

She was furious to know that I had indeed lied to her about portions of my life.  NOT my upbringing, NOT what I've suffered through most of my life....but about superficial things that were irrelevant to even lie about.  She lives a life that's based on truth and authenticity, and I invaded her life and her space with immorality and lies.

Understandably so, she was too angry to ever really listen to what I attempted to explain.  There was always anger and consternation in her voice when I tried to call.  She placed a lot of blame, which I deserved...but she was blinded by her anger, and I never got an opportunity to explain or reveal.   Not that she would have believed me at that point anyway, I'd spent almost two years living a semi-lie.  I tried desperately to get her to speak with my psychiatrist, so that someone other than ME could tell her about the hell that I had been living, but to no avail.  It was too late.  I had betrayed beyond repair, and I was left feeling hopeless and empty.  Left to struggle with overcoming not only BPD, but also surviving the severe depression that resulted from losing both her (as well as the person she had begun to date.). Finally my worst fears were realized. My life was shattered in a million pieces, and I couldn't even BEGIN to see how I was to go on.

Even as I entered the recovery process for depression....and healing from BPD, I realized I still had a LONG way to go!  Often times, people with BPD abandon people, before they abandon them.  This was no different for me.  In one of my emotional impulses, I deleted her (and all her friends) from my  Facebook account, and Instagram.  There was no purpose in it, other than to shut her out of my life, before she could shut me out of hers.  People with BPD are so emotional sometimes, we get impulsive...and do anything to relieve the pain.  What often feels like something "small" to the normal person is often magnified and intensified to us...intense emotions such as fear, hurt, anxiety, anger, sadness, and shame can last for hours or days.

People who suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder often have histories of intense relationships that begin and end very suddenly....LORD, am I a witness to THIS!

I say all this to say...it's so important for the non-borderline people in our lives to get educated about this mental illness, because sometimes....education leads to understanding, and understanding sometimes leads to compassion. I truly wish all the victims that have come into contact with someone that is living with BPD would seek to be educated as well....not as a means of reconciliation and restoration per say, but as that final piece to the puzzle of healing.  Sometimes, if you really understood WHY people do the things that they do.....it helps in the healing process.  I'm EXTREMELY sorry, for the lives I've ruined because of this..to the people I've hurt, betrayed and let down.  I can repair some of those relationships, but the ones I can't, I accept my role in why it can't be repaired.  I plan to do open letters to the people in my life that I've hurt, but I need more internet time than I'm currently afforded to get that done.

I'm not suggesting that I deserve a "get out of jail free" card, because ultimately....no matter what disorder I have, there are always choices to be made, and I made HORRIBLE ones.  My diagnosis and discovery doesn't absolve me of  ANY of my indiscretions.  There are consequences to EVERY choice we make, and I'm learning to live with the consequences of my actions.  BUT, I just want to be understood...and not mislabeled as a horrible person, as a monster, as a nightmare.....because although I made horrible decisions that negatively affected the life of another, those labels about me simply aren't true, or fair.  The biggest misconception and label that has been placed on me is that I was a physical threat to my friend.  A physical threat to myself, YES.  Bringing harm, or a physical threat to her or others, NEVER.   It saddens me that people sometimes tend to invalidate my pain, and claim that my mental illness isn't real.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...but try it for a day, or even an hour. You'll see it's very real.

What I am, is a strong person...that's battling to understand who I am.  Every day is a struggle, but I am determined more than ever to regain my life!  I understand that I have self-identity issues, self-esteem issues, self-worth issues, and self-love issues.  These issues are from deeply rooted childhood problems.  But, as I think, I'm proud of myself for going through what "normal" people couldn't even handle.  I'm proud of how strong I am, and how much ability I have to cope with emotional pain.  I am...a strong, amazing, beautiful soul.......that's well on my way to a long road that ends with full recovery.

My next blog will outline my current treatment regimine, my formal support team, and where I am on this journey.

Lastly...I'll leave you with this video, that explains a little how I'm feeling today!  To all my #BPDBuddies, you are NOT Alone!!!!!