So...here I was on vacation, enjoying the sun...the water...the relaxation...the rejuvenation, and #BOOM just like a bad nightmare, I was quickly thrust back into reality once I turned to CNN and heard of the vicious and brutal massacre that had occurred in NewTown, Connecticut. Initially I was glued to the television---I was extremely saddened and I couldn't properly regulate my emotions!!After stepping away for a while I began watching again---until I realized I was becoming increasingly more angry at the news media. Before they could even get the shooter's name correct (initially they named his Brother as the suspect), they had ALREADY diagnosed him with being mentally ill! Then came additional speculations...he had a personality disorder-he suffered from Autism-he possibly had Asperger's. The more I watched...the angrier I got. It seems as though every time tragedy strikes or violence is prevalent the perpetrator is ALWAYS labelled as mentally ill. Fact of the matter is...research has repeatedly shown that the vast majority of people with mental illness are not violent...and the vast majority of people who are violent DO NOT suffer from mental illness. Stat of the year: People with mental illness only account for 4% of violence in America (New York Times). So where's the disconnect?? Why is mental illness constantly demonized by those in the news media that continue to use their platform to spew ignorance?
This blog isn't intended to fight the stigma and shame surrounding mental illness...I've already blogged about that, and you can read it here ----> Fighting Stigma and Shame! I'm actually writing this blog to BLAST ignorance...plain & simple.
It's ignorance like THIS...
I'd ban ALL guns for convicted criminals and ANYONE with ANY mental health history whatsoever.
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) December 14, 2012
If any member of a house hold has mental illness, that house hold can't own a gun! #easy
— Lee Miller (@mr_leemiller) December 18, 2012
Those defending violent video games miss my point: a mentally ill person, with easy access to guns, can have bloodlust fuelled by the games.
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) December 16, 2012
The solution to gun (all?)violence is to keep criminals & the mentally ill away from law-abiding citizens!
— An American Patriot (@Onelifetogive) December 18, 2012
Piers Morgan has 3 million followers and he chose to tweet ignorance? Seriously?
No really...do these people actually believe this stuff?? I have a mental illness (I don't suffer from it, I'm learning to thrive with it!!) and I am NOT violent. I've legally own a gun. More than one actually, and I'm able use them very well; I shoot better accuracy percentages than most of my police friends. BUT even at my lowest point in life (when I was not yet prescribed medication) it never even crossed my mind to use it on MYSELF, let alone others. I'm a big kid at heart, so I have all the gaming systems---YES, I play "Call of Duty" regularly. It's a shooting game. I've played online against people, I've beat their socks off (they thought they had an automatic win playing against a woman)...but at the end of the day, I put my controller down, turn my system off---without even a mere thought of "bloodlust." Maybe I'm a special breed---and somehow different from the rest of the people that I know that live with a mental illness, but I'm NOT. I'm the standard...what the MEDIA portrays is NOT. We're NOT all the same. We're NOT all violent. We're NOT all subhuman. Believe it or not, EVIL people actually exist in the world. Evil does not = mentally ill!!! "Evil is about choice! Sickness (Mental Illness) is about the absence of choice." (Lindsay Fitzharris)
The ignorance of the news media fuels the stigma and shame of having a mental illness. I'm NO LONGER ashamed. Stigma and shame kept me from seeking help for years! A personal crisis forced me to get the help I needed. I'm no longer running away from or ignoring my problems, I'm facing them head on. That's not the only thing I'm facing head on!! I'm also facing those that use their platform to spread lies and ignorance instead of educating themselves and the world!! YES...a detailed and educational email response went out to Piers Morgan regarding his insensitive and ignorant tweet, NO...I didn't get a response, but I faced it head on! Knowledge is the Cure for ignorance!!
I must be honest...I completely struggled through Thanksgiving Day, but I MADE IT! I'm still here! One of my family members was in town visiting for the holiday, and I decided to pay a visit since it had been some time since I'd seen them. I was actually kind of excited about just getting a chance to see them and hugging their neck~~ genuine hugs can sometimes make all your problems seem to disappear! I was indeed a little anxious, family relations over the past few months have been strained to say the least, but nevertheless, I headed out, eagerly anticipating the show of love and brief fellowship that was about to commence. I arrived with a small token, and a smile on my face! It made my heart smile that my family members were just as happy to see me as I was to see them. I seemingly had been anxious for NOTHING. But, In the midst of our laughing and joking...the conversation took a QUICK turn to something more serious. Mental Health.
I was informed that another family member (one that I loved dearly) had been telling everyone that I was bi-polar, that I had 10 personalities, that I was "crazy", and that I'd taken to Facebook to speak ill of them publicly. YES, tears instantly welled up in my eyes...my heart and spirit were INSTANTLY pierced. How could the ONE person I'd thought the world of: trash my name...throw me under the bus...spread lies...spew ignorance??? The people that I speak to the least seem to ALWAYS be those that have the MOST to say about me. This family member was invited to attend family counseling with me, invited to visit me during my inpatient stay to speak with my mental health team (Psychiatrist and Psychologist) and they didn't show up. Yet, they were very verbal about what they THOUGHT they knew about my mental health history. Fact is, I was initially MISDIAGNOSED with Bipolar Disorder. MANY other people (40%) that have BPD have also been inaccurately diagnosed with Bipolar initially. You can read the NIH study here if you are so inclined. BPD Misdiagnosed as Bipolar.
Lies aside (which they ARE). SUPPOSE I did have Bipolar. Suppose I was crazy. Suppose I did have 10 personalities. Does that make me unworthy of love and respect? I'm STILL a part of your FAMILY. You don't discard people you claimed to love just 2 weeks ago. Where I come from, family is supposed to love unconditionally. They cover and correct with LOVE. They restore. They don't condemn. They don't judge. They don't tear down. They don't abandon you. They don't kick you while you're down. They don't invalidate. They stick with you through the tough times. They support. They encourage. They educate themselves so that they don't add to the SHAME and STIGMA associated with mental illness. I'd always heard that family could hurt you the worst, but I'd never personally experienced that...until now.
Through this experience, I've learned that...
Indeed, those you love the most, can hurt you the worst---and family is NOT exempt.
My family members are souls on a journey struggling through their life lessons just as I am. (Iyanla)
Blood is thicker than water is true in science, not life.
Sometimes, even family are waiting for you to fall, instead of helping you out.
People often speak about what they don't know. Knowledge really is power. Lack of is ignorance.
People are quick to share your flaws, but don't acknowledge their own.
Just because I'm able to OWN my faults, issues & mistakes...everyone isn't capable of doing the same.
Hurting people really do hurt people.
The WHOLE story is always better than a partial story, and it's only fair for all.
I'm glad with each life experience I am able to learn lessons. From now on, I'm making it a personal goal to not allow ANYONE'S ignorance, hate, drama or negativity stop me from being the BEST person I can be!!!!
Recently, I've been learning about and dealing with codependency in both my psychotherapy sessions and Al-Anon. It's never really an easy pill to swallow when you suddenly realize you have more issues to tackle! As if the depression and BPD diagnosis weren't already enough...I now have the added codependency traits that I'm also learning to recover from.
While I was in high school, I attended a few Ala-teen group sessions at the recommendation of a teacher. I was very much cognizant of the meaning of codependency yet completely unaware that over the years, my actions had completely transformed into those of a codependent. A friend of mine had passively thrown the term about, in describing my actions...and my behavior as it related to her, but I didn't take heed. It wasn't until my life came crashing down and my world was torn apart---that TRUE self discovery started to take place. I was at a place where I was completely lost...I didn't know who I was or how I had become that person. Right before my first inpatient hospitalization, I remember sitting in a client's office one day and I completely broke down! I cried at my desk, and a co-worker came in and asked what was wrong...all I could say was "I feel like I'm losing my mind, I feel like I'm going crazy." Codependency had taken over my life, and taken on a life of its own. Both my therapist and psychiatrist have said that often times, people go through cycles or periods of codependency. That was definitely true for me, I've seen it amplified over the past 2-3 years.
"Codependency is a behavioral and psychological condition in which a person sacrifices his/her own wants and needs in order to maintain an unhealthy relationship. It is also called “relationship addiction”. Codependency is probably due to the intense fear and frantic efforts to avoid abandonment common in BPD." (BPD & Codependency, Becky Oberg)
EEEEEK....Codependency AND BPD....I mean c'mon. Not a combination I'd wish on my worst enemy!
In my codependent world, I attached myself to people, sometimes even lying to and deceiving those I truly loved...to ensure they loved me back (people pleasing.) I obsessively held on tightly to these people that I was so very dependent on. I would sacrifice myself...to make sure their needs were met, that they were happy, that their problems were solved, that they were taken care of (care-taking.) I centered my LIFE around these people to ensure my security and happiness (control). I convinced myself that I couldn't live without these people--- because of course my relationship with them was more important to me than I was to myself. Point blank, I was dependent on someone else's approval, presence, love and their need for me. Did I need something in return? Of course I did. I was desperate for validation. I was desperate for love. I needed to be needed. My self-worth was ONLY boosted when I was able to see the positive difference I made in their lives.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a giver at heart. I give freely without expectation. I love HARD and I generally give 110% in any relationship/friendship I'm in. I 'm extremely compassionate and empathetic naturally. That's the HEALTHY part of my true character. The unhealthy/codependent part comes into play when I allowed those relationships, people and their problems to consume me...when I crossed the boundaries and made it my responsibility to please them and care for them without their consent or request. Bottom line is I severely lacked self worth and self-esteem. I didn't love myself enough to think that someone could actually love me for who I am.
So how am I recovering from being a co-dependent? Therapy and life coaching have been SUPERB in getting me out of that self-destructive cycle. I admitted that I had a problem and took ownership for the messes I made. I didn't want to face the ugly truth, so for years, I lived with beautiful lies. I'm thankful that the truth has finally set me free. I had to rid myself of the codependent relationships in my life. Some removed themselves from my life, others I had to detach from with love. Today, I'm taking time to focus on ME. I accept myself for who I truly am, I'm finding happiness and peace within. I'm learning to love myself just as I am. It has taken A LOT of work, but I see an improved difference every day. I am perfectly imperfect, lovable and deserve to be loved. I'm no longer afraid of being myself. There's SOMEBODY in the world that's willing to love the person I've been hiding. I've removed the mask that has kept me safe and in control, I see myself and now I'm being myself. I'm becoming my OWN best friend; "you love, say, give and do your best for your best friend." -D.Furstenburg...and TODAY, my best friend is, ME!
Even before being diagnosed with BPD, a serious fear of abandonment has been apparent in my life. I honestly didn't know it was a "REAL" psychological issue. As a result, I've often times stayed in relationships longer than I should have...gotten married when I shouldn't have...and clung dearly to the emotional bullies in my life. Yep, with all the intelligence, common sense, and education that I posses, I continued to hang on to the emotional bullies, at all costs---including my sanity. These bullies were co-workers, best friends, and YES---even my own family members. They were people that I love (even now) with my whole heart, people that I think the world of and people that I would bet my entire life savings would never leave or abandon me. The very people that knew my fear used it against me. Emotional abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse, yet it's one of the least talked about. It's very subtle but anything that causes another person emotional pain is considered emotional bullying. Below are some signs I recognized of the emotional bullies in my life.
1. Isolating- Attacking someones relationships that they have with other people is a way to isolate you, so that you are only available to the bully. I had a friend that gave me "advice" and "counsel" that caused me to distance myself from family, friends and others that may be concerned about my well being. There was a constant verbal trashing of my friends and family- as well as a control of the amount of interaction I had with them. These actions made me solely dependent on my friend for EVERYTHING-including support, love and affection.
2. Emotional Black Mail- When they threaten to abandon you, to end the relationship. This is a way of controlling me, because for sure this plays on my weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Often times, people in my life would "punish" me for not behaving in the way that they wanted me to. On an emotional level, they withheld the very needs they knew got me through each day. Punishment is a definite form of manipulation.
3. Withholding Affection-This is another form of emotional blackmail but it's deeper. For me, it was the withholding of psychological and emotional nurturing. I once had a family member who wouldn't speak to me for weeks at a time when I did something displeasing to them. They deliberately withheld their daily communication, concern, support and love. Which left me feeling rejected, abandoned and unworthy.
4. Rejection- They ignore you, give you the silent treatment, talk to others ABOUT you but won't talk to you, give you the cold shoulder and pushes you away. Left feeling unwanted and unlovable, yet you still cling to and grateful for whatever little affection this person show you.
We've all heard the term "drama queen." A drama queen is someone who turns something unimportant into a major deal---someone who responds irrationally and disproportionately to minor incidents... believe it or not, being a drama queen can be a form of emotional bullying.
Although they come in many forms, Drama Queens share some common traits. They:
Are hypersensitive, highly emotional and easily hurt. They’re super-intense, angry, hostile and emotional. They over-react as if everything is a matter of life and death.
They misunderstand, jump to conclusions and blow up and demand apologies.
Are perfectionistic, nit-picking, control freaks. They’re vindictive blamers. They take everything personally and remember forever.
Take over every situation or group. They act as if their drama is more important than anything else in the world. Nothing and nobody else matters; not even getting results.
Think that spewing of emotions reveals the “real” person. They’re uncomfortable with people they see as expressionless. To Drama Queens, loud emotions show strength; calm people are wimps.
Yes, I've had my fair share of drama queens in my life too. They've misunderstood me, jumped to conclusions about me, and started rumors from THEIR misunderstanding. They are the most perfect people I know, with faults even they can't see. The emotional turmoil that they experience is above anything else that anyone else experiences. They are authentic and possess traits of integrity, except for when they say things like "Ill never abandon you", "Your secrets are safe with me", and "You're stuck with me forever"....just to disappear, abandon you and reveal your secrets to the world.
Surprisingly, the most common advice I've received from both therapists and friends alike about how to deal with emotional bullies has been to "Just ignore them, they'll go away". Unfortunately, they won't. They get satisfaction from bullying you even if you don't respond. If you DO respond (which I regrettably did last week) they get an extra thrill from the evidence of their power over you.
I obviously don't have the answer on how to deal with emotional bullies, especially when it comes from people that you love dearly, but I will say this. I've radically accepted that they are happy being the way they are, with all the drama-queen behavior and their genuine self-inflicted pain. We can't change ANYONE, we can only change ourselves. So with that, I've learned to detach myself from those that emotionally bully me. "Detachment is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement." Al-Anon Member
"Back from the Edge" is a documentary on BPD done by the New York Presbyterian Hospital.
It's pretty lengthy (48 min long), and I'm sure only people REALLY interested in learning more about BPD and about those of us that live with it will actually watch it in it's entirety. For those not interested in watching, I outlined a few points below, especially those relative to MY life living with BPD. Enjoy!
"People with BPD experience emotions more intensely than others."
"People with BPD tend to be very dependent and clingy."
"You can't have interpersonal relationships if you're not emotionally stable."
"People thought I had everything together...they thought everything was perfect because that's how I appeared to the world"
"Felt like a Chameleon-there is a sense of not knowing who you are. I was being who other people wanted me to or expected me to be."
" I was becoming someone else so people would like me...therefore being a part of something. I didn't know how to be."
"People with BPD often times conform to what they think other people want from them."
"People with BPD need other people to regulate them. The relationships that they form often times breathe life into them"
"Absences or separations from the relationships that they form are catastrophic in their significance...like they don't exist themselves."
"People with Bordeline don't know they are being manipulative."
"Manipulation assumes a person has the skills to think and then execute a plan. Manipulation in that sense can't be applied to people with BPD."
"I had physical aggression, NOT against anyone."
"As I began to feel more and more worthless as a person, I began to feel people would be better off without me."
"People with the disorder find great relief from being diagnosed."
"BPD is an imminently treatable disorder. Patients can be helped...have a good chance to get better."
"BPD is a disorder of relations. Recovery involves getting back into communities and having relationships, tolerating the stress and building a life for yourself again."
"People with this disorder get better!!!!"
For loved ones of someone living with BPD..."Participate in therapy. Get to know what's going on and what to expect"
"Recovery is not a sprint, but a long distance race."
"...The will and desire to confront what's going on with yourself. If you confront it, things will be so much better. It takes faith and trust in the people around you to admit having something so stigmatized and then put yourself in their hands and say please help."
I encourage everyone to educate themselves about mental health issues that affect millions of people all over the world. This year's theme is "Depression: A Global Crisis."
This theme is very dear and close to my heart. Depression affects more than 350 million people worldwide that spans across all ages, races, genders, tax brackets, and it is evident in all of our communities.
Depression can lead one down a very dark road, that is extremely difficult to navigate out of, without proper support and help. I myself have suffered through bouts of severe depression, and know first hand how debilitating the illness is and how it can negatively affect every aspect of your life, and how it can sometimes lead to suicide or suicide attempts. I've been there. It's REAL...and not something that the person suffering with can just "snap out of." While we have all experienced episodes of feeling sad or blue, everyone hasn't experienced clinical depression.
During my latest battle with depression, I lost 30+ pounds in a matter of months. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I was irritable and agitated, hopeless, making bad decisions....all I could feel was the overwhelming and intense sadness & emptiness that was constantly accompanied by crying and eventually led to a suicide attempt. Not a day's worth of tears, but this went on DAILY for more than a month. I got all of the normal insensitive comments from lots of people...things like: snap out of it...refocus...you took your eye off of God, etc. These people simply weren't educated on the fact that depression is a REAL issue, and snapping out of it, is not remotely reality.
Even in the world of celebrities. This year alone, our world has been rocked by the suicide deaths of British film director Tony Scott, former NFL player Junior Seau, andcurrent NFL Player O.J Murdock. These celebrities lived lives that "normal" people would die to live. Yet they were themselves dying inside....suffering from depression that the "normal" people simply don't get.
So today, I urge you to familiarize yourself with the symptoms of depression! If you or a loved one experience 5 or more of these symptoms, reach out for help! Help is often times, just a phone call away. For me, help came in the form of an emergency room visit...if you don't have insurance, I urge you to take that route. They won't turn you away!!! According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:
Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
Fatigue and decreased energy
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
Irritability, restlessness
Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
Overeating or appetite loss
Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
It's difficult to watch someone you love battle depression. If you do have a loved one that's suffering from, or struggling with depression, I'd like to offer these three little things you can do that may help.
1. Ask questions: People with depression often times feel lonely and isolated. Once they feel you are concerned or are aware of what they are dealing with, sometimes they are more open or apt to speak about their feelings.
2. Listen: More than likely, a person that's depressed will tell you things that will probably scare you. (IE: speak of suicide or self harm) Be supportive, non-judgmental, and really LISTEN to what they are saying. They more than likely really want to be heard, and aren't necessarily speaking to you for advice. Validate their feelings and let them know they aren't alone.
3. Encourage them to seek professional help: The depressed person has to want to help him or herself!!! Gently encourage them to seek professional help. You may assist with finding therapists, doctors, etc...but they should be they ones making the actual calls.
I neglected to say in my last two posts, that I never in a million years would have thought that "I" would be suffering from a mental illness. People generally look at me as accomplished, well off, successful, and skilled in my profession. No matter the accolades I received, I still felt like a failure, inadequate, insecure and never quite good enough; but that goes right back to the signs of BPD---an unstable self image or sense of self.
I DID NOT know I that had BPD when I've built any of the friendships I have had over my lifetime, or when I cultivated the relationships throughout my life, or even with the rise and demise of my marriage, I was CLUELESS. Had I known, I would have certainly revealed that information...as a precaution to ANYONE that attempted to form any type of relationship with me. This is no different than if I had an infectious disease that could possibly put someone else at risk, I'd reveal. But I didn't know, and I didn't intentionally build a friendship to hurt or betray. In FACT, in this particular instance (with my friend), I actually set out to do what God urged me to do, and that was sow into her life finacially. Had I stuck with doing ONLY what he said do, I would have probably saved everyone, including myself a lot of pain.
What I did know.... I knew that I didn't befriend people often, but when I did...the connections would be extremely intense. I knew that my inner circle was more like a dot, than an actual circle, outside of the childhood friends I made, there weren't others...but I chalked that up to my being extremely shy, introverted, quiet and private. This no doubt came from how I was raised. What I saw going on in my household, was NOT to be repeated....and I didn't. I in turn grew up to be watchful but quiet.
It troubled me ALOT that my friend felt as though I came into her life to intentionally hurt and betray her....with a mental illness that I didn't even KNOW existed at the time. I've since had to radically accept (DBT at work) that I can't change what people think or feel about me.
So....Life after diagnosis.
I must say that I've spent an enormous amount of time and money working on getting to a better place after my diagnosis. My BPD diagnosis was coupled with a severe depression diagnosis, thus resulting in a few inpatient stays, as well as PHP. My first night in inpatient, as I cried myself to sleep, I told myself that I was greater than my struggles...and I was going to fight my way back to ME. I've put in the work, and though the road is extremely long, and I have ages before full recovery...I have HOPE that one day I'll get there.
I can't do it alone though, and I learned from one of my in-patient stays that when you have no friend/family support, you have to rely on your formal support system...and I have a FORMAL support system that helps me every step of the way. You're not supposed to keep a good thing to yourself, so today...I'll share where MY help comes from:
1. GOD
2. My Psychatrist- Dr. Jamuna Raju, Arlington VA
3. My Psychologist- Dr. Rose Merchant, Clinton MD
4. My Life Coach (just added)- Tiffany Taylor, @TiffanyLael
5. Outpatient DBT Team at The Retreat at Sheppard Pratt, Baltimore MD
6. The BEST DAILY BPD help ever from Debbie Corso, @healingfrombpd
Currently I'm on 40 MG of Celexa, 25MG of Doxepin, 600 MG of Trileptal daily and 25 MG of Sonata daily---and Ativan as needed for Anxiety. I meet with my psychiatrist monthly to assess the effectiveness of my meds. I attend weekly sessions of psychotherapy with my psychologist. Weekly DBT sessions, both individual and group. I have monthly sessions with my life coach. I get DAILY doses of inspiration, encouragement and tips for living with BPD from Debbie via twitter and facebook.
Well, that's all for now #BPDFriends...please know, that you're NEVER ALONE! We're in this thing together!
So...two months after my initial diagnosis, my friend began dating someone very close to me. As they began courting and dating a lot of information was revealed about me that completely shocked her. I was NOT the person that she thought I was. There were inconsistencies (let's call a spade a spade, they were lies) and major exaggerations about my life that she couldn't even begin to understand. Who was this person that she thought she knew? Most people with BPD wear masks...we become who we think you want us to be, and we hide our true selves out of fear of rejection. I can honestly say this really WAS me. The professional world calls us manipulative, liars, and narcissists....but sometimes, we really don't even know our reality from the lies. None of what I did or said was done intentionally to hurt or betray her, in fact, they were totally unconscious acts, but I fell into the BPD cycle, and began to continue living this lie out of the fear that if she knew who I REALLY was, she would abandon me, and I was correct. Abandonment Sensitivity is just one of the apparent signs of a person living with BPD. Often times, when we perceive we are being abandoned, we behave in desperate frantic ways in an attempt to avoid the abandonment. For sure, with her....I did. I begged her not to leave me or give up on me.
She was furious to know that I had indeed lied to her about portions of my life. NOT my upbringing, NOT what I've suffered through most of my life....but about superficial things that were irrelevant to even lie about. She lives a life that's based on truth and authenticity, and I invaded her life and her space with immorality and lies.
Understandably so, she was too angry to ever really listen to what I attempted to explain. There was always anger and consternation in her voice when I tried to call. She placed a lot of blame, which I deserved...but she was blinded by her anger, and I never got an opportunity to explain or reveal. Not that she would have believed me at that point anyway, I'd spent almost two years living a semi-lie. I tried desperately to get her to speak with my psychiatrist, so that someone other than ME could tell her about the hell that I had been living, but to no avail. It was too late. I had betrayed beyond repair, and I was left feeling hopeless and empty. Left to struggle with overcoming not only BPD, but also surviving the severe depression that resulted from losing both her (as well as the person she had begun to date.). Finally my worst fears were realized. My life was shattered in a million pieces, and I couldn't even BEGIN to see how I was to go on.
Even as I entered the recovery process for depression....and healing from BPD, I realized I still had a LONG way to go! Often times, people with BPD abandon people, before they abandon them. This was no different for me. In one of my emotional impulses, I deleted her (and all her friends) from my Facebook account, and Instagram. There was no purpose in it, other than to shut her out of my life, before she could shut me out of hers. People with BPD are so emotional sometimes, we get impulsive...and do anything to relieve the pain. What often feels like something "small" to the normal person is often magnified and intensified to us...intense emotions such as fear, hurt, anxiety, anger, sadness, and shame can last for hours or days.
People who suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder often have histories of intense relationships that begin and end very suddenly....LORD, am I a witness to THIS!
I say all this to say...it's so important for the non-borderline people in our lives to get educated about this mental illness, because sometimes....education leads to understanding, and understanding sometimes leads to compassion. I truly wish all the victims that have come into contact with someone that is living with BPD would seek to be educated as well....not as a means of reconciliation and restoration per say, but as that final piece to the puzzle of healing. Sometimes, if you really understood WHY people do the things that they do.....it helps in the healing process. I'm EXTREMELY sorry, for the lives I've ruined because of this..to the people I've hurt, betrayed and let down. I can repair some of those relationships, but the ones I can't, I accept my role in why it can't be repaired. I plan to do open letters to the people in my life that I've hurt, but I need more internet time than I'm currently afforded to get that done.
I'm not suggesting that I deserve a "get out of jail free" card, because ultimately....no matter what disorder I have, there are always choices to be made, and I made HORRIBLE ones. My diagnosis and discovery doesn't absolve me of ANY of my indiscretions. There are consequences to EVERY choice we make, and I'm learning to live with the consequences of my actions. BUT, I just want to be understood...and not mislabeled as a horrible person, as a monster, as a nightmare.....because although I made horrible decisions that negatively affected the life of another, those labels about me simply aren't true, or fair. The biggest misconception and label that has been placed on me is that I was a physical threat to my friend. A physical threat to myself, YES. Bringing harm, or a physical threat to her or others, NEVER. It saddens me that people sometimes tend to invalidate my pain, and claim that my mental illness isn't real. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...but try it for a day, or even an hour. You'll see it's very real.
What I am, is a strong person...that's battling to understand who I am. Every day is a struggle, but I am determined more than ever to regain my life! I understand that I have self-identity issues, self-esteem issues, self-worth issues, and self-love issues. These issues are from deeply rooted childhood problems. But, as I think, I'm proud of myself for going through what "normal" people couldn't even handle. I'm proud of how strong I am, and how much ability I have to cope with emotional pain. I am...a strong, amazing, beautiful soul.......that's well on my way to a long road that ends with full recovery.
My next blog will outline my current treatment regimine, my formal support team, and where I am on this journey.
Lastly...I'll leave you with this video, that explains a little how I'm feeling today! To all my #BPDBuddies, you are NOT Alone!!!!!
This past July, I encountered a situation where I did something TOTALLY out of character. A friend of mine began dating a guy. Prior to this, my friend and I were pretty much inseparable. We spoke on the phone several times a day, messaged one another incessantly, visited often and texting was pretty much an every day event too. As she began to date, I felt her pull away from me....and I literally lost my mind. I made EVERY attempt at making SURE she didn't "leave me". You may be reading this, and thinking like most---that I was crazy, but THIS is the life INSIDE of someone living with BPD. You see, people living with BPD often make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Whether it was real or imagined, I felt as though she wasn't paying attention to me anymore. She wasn't calling as often, not texting much, and my frequent visits were now in question because there was someone ELSE in here life that also needed to visit. I was consumed with fear and anger, yet again another symptom of living with BPD, inappropriate, intense anger...and I did some things to hurt her, before she could hurt me. I packed every single item that I had stored at her home, and I took it with me. You see, people with BPD live in black or white....there is no grey in our worlds. Either she was gonna be my friend...or she wasn't---there was NO in between, in MY mind....she couldn't be my friend AND have a happy life of her own.
So I left- heartbroken that she hadn't chosen ME over her own happiness, and she was left wondering WTF was going on in my "crazy ass" head. What neither of us realized at the time, was that I was suffering from BPD...and all of the BPD "catch phrases" were evident in that situation. I repeatedly asked her not to leave me, not to give up on me, I panicked and ran outside after her barefoot when all she wanted to do was take a walk to clear her head.....in MY mind, she was leaving me. People with BPD tend to do ANYTHING, just so you won't leave them.
She was noticeably more distant after that incident, and I once again panicked. I immediately recognized an increase in impulsive behavior on my part, but emotionally, I shut down. I kept it all in. I fell into a depression. I didn't eat. Panic attacks were increasing. I fainted from dehydration. Hospital visits were frequent...this was NO way to live. I immediately began to seek answers as to WHY I was behaving so erratically. I had been seeing a therapist for some time, regarding childhood stuff that I've been trying to overcome in my adult life...but this situation was SERIOUS. I didn't even know who I was...and I didn't like it.
I was met with opposition. It seemed as if NO psychiatrist in the entire Washington DC area were accepting new clients...the BEST psychiatrists had waiting lists and weren't scheduling appointments until 3 months away. But God dropped a gem into my lap...and she opened up a whole new world for me as I was properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This probably should have been the point at which I shared my diagnosis with my friend. I was too ashamed. The stigma behind people with mental illnesses are vast, and I didn't want to be offically labelled as "crazy"...she had in fact called me that several times, and I didn't want her to think that she was right. So I hid my diagnosis, and suffered in silence, hoping that I could get meds and therapy, and make it all better (or make it go away) before she caught on. Truth is, there is no cure for BPD...no magic pill...and it's something I'm stuck with for the rest of my life. Many people actually go on to live healthy lives with proper medication management and therapy. I personally do psychotherapy in addition to DBT (individual & group) and just added a life coach!
At some point, I'll reveal my ENTIRE formal support team...all my doctors, hospital inpatient care facilities, etc....but today is about BPD education.
What is BPD?? I'm glad you asked!! (info from Mayo Clinic)
Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave. Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, promiscuity , gambling sprees, compulsive spending or illegal drug use
Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
Wide mood swings
Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
Suicidal behavior
Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
Fear of being alone
Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing
When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. Your self-image, self-identity or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes you may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals and values. Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty accepting gray areas — things seem to be either black or white.
In my next blog, I'll fast forward to what happened two months AFTER my diagnosis...how I hit rock bottom, how my worst fears were realized, how I lost just about everything that mattered to me...and how I hated BPD for ruining my life---THIS made me fight even harder to beat this thing, and take control back over my life!
Lastly, I'll leave you with this video that I feel NAILS what it feels like living with BPD. I couldn't have made a better video....it explains EVERYTHING I've felt over the past few years of my life. If you're living with BPD....you are NOT alone!
Piers Morgan has 3 million followers and he chose to tweet ignorance? Seriously?
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