Emotional Bullies

Even before being diagnosed with BPD, a serious fear of abandonment has been apparent in my life. I honestly didn't know it was a "REAL" psychological issue.  As a result, I've often times stayed in relationships longer than I should have...gotten married when I shouldn't have...and clung dearly to the emotional bullies in my life.  Yep, with all the intelligence, common sense, and education that I posses, I continued to hang on to the emotional bullies, at all costs---including my sanity.  These bullies were co-workers, best friends, and YES---even my own family members.  They were people that I love (even now) with my whole heart, people that I think the world of and people that I would bet my entire life savings would never leave or abandon me.  The very people that knew my fear used it against me.  Emotional abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse, yet it's one of the least talked about. It's very subtle but anything that causes another person emotional pain is considered emotional bullying. Below are some signs I recognized of the emotional bullies in my life.

1.  Isolating- Attacking someones relationships that they have with other people is a way to isolate you, so that you are only available to the bully.  I had a friend that gave me "advice" and "counsel" that caused me to distance myself from family, friends and others that may be concerned about my well being.  There was a constant verbal trashing of my friends and family- as well as a control of the amount of interaction I had with them.  These actions made me solely dependent on my friend for EVERYTHING-including support, love and affection.  

2.  Emotional Black Mail- When they threaten to abandon you, to end the relationship.  This is a way of controlling me, because for sure this plays on my weaknesses and vulnerabilities.  Often times, people in my life would "punish" me for not behaving in the way that they wanted me to.  On an emotional level, they withheld the very needs they knew got me through each day.  Punishment is a definite form of manipulation.

3.  Withholding Affection-This is another form of emotional blackmail but it's deeper.  For me, it was the withholding of psychological and emotional nurturing.  I once had a family member who wouldn't speak to me for weeks at a time when I did something displeasing to them.  They deliberately withheld their daily communication, concern, support and love.  Which left me feeling rejected, abandoned and unworthy.

4.  Rejection-  They ignore you, give you the silent treatment, talk to others ABOUT you but won't talk to you, give you the cold shoulder and pushes you away.  Left feeling unwanted and unlovable, yet you still cling to and grateful for whatever little affection this person show you.

We've all heard the term "drama queen."  A drama queen is someone who turns something unimportant into a major deal---someone who responds irrationally and disproportionately to minor incidents... believe it or not, being a drama queen can be a form of emotional bullying.

The below is from Blogger News Network

Although they come in many forms, Drama Queens share some common traits.  They:

• Are hypersensitive, highly emotional and easily hurt.  They’re super-intense, angry, hostile and emotional. They over-react as if everything is a matter of life and death.
• They misunderstand, jump to conclusions and blow up and demand apologies.
• Are perfectionistic, nit-picking, control freaks.  They’re vindictive blamers. They take everything personally and remember forever.
• Take over every situation or group.  They act as if their drama is more important than anything else in the world.  Nothing and nobody else matters; not even getting results.
• Think that spewing of emotions reveals the “real” person.  They’re uncomfortable with people they see as expressionless.  To Drama Queens, loud emotions show strength; calm people are wimps.

Yes, I've had my fair share of drama queens in my life too.  They've misunderstood me, jumped to conclusions about me, and started rumors from THEIR misunderstanding. They are the most perfect people I know, with faults even they can't see.  The emotional turmoil that they experience is above anything else that anyone else experiences. They are authentic and possess traits of integrity, except for when they say things like "Ill never abandon you", "Your secrets are safe with me",  and "You're stuck with me forever"....just to disappear, abandon you and reveal your secrets to the world.  
 

Surprisingly, the most common advice I've received from both therapists and friends alike about how to deal with emotional bullies has been to "Just ignore them, they'll go away". Unfortunately, they won't.  They get satisfaction from bullying you even if you don't respond.  If you DO respond (which I regrettably did last week) they get an extra thrill from the evidence of their power over you.

I obviously don't have the answer on how to deal with emotional bullies, especially when it comes from people that you love dearly,  but I will say this.  I've radically accepted that they are happy being the way they are, with all the drama-queen behavior and their genuine self-inflicted pain.  We can't change ANYONE, we can only change ourselves.  So with that, I've learned to detach myself from those that emotionally bully me.  "Detachment is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement." Al-Anon Member