Strength & Courage: My First Inpatient Stay

Let's be honest with one another, if you ask most people what they think of when they hear mental institution,  I'm sure you'll get a variety of common responses such as; straight jackets, crazy killers, padded walls/rooms, white coats, crazies, raving lunatics, and the stereotypical list goes on and on.

About 11.4 million adult Americans suffered from mental illness in the past year, while 2 million teens experienced a major depressive episode in the past year. YES, 1 in 5 Americans suffer from Mental Illness, so it's more common than you probably think!   60% of those suffering actually get treatment each year, and some of these treatments take place in an inpatient setting in mental hospitals/institutions! Being admitted to a mental institution or hospital is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength and courage to seek the help needed to overcome one's issues.

September 8, 2012---(taken directly from my journal)

"I was literally, sitting on my bedroom floor, doing my normal Saturday morning cleaning. Out of NOWHERE, without warning, one tear fell, then another and another. Uncontrollable tears continued. My entire body was shaking.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't think.  I couldn't focus. I was unable to function. Was I having an anxiety attack?  Everything that I had been dealing with totally consumed me, overtook me...I was helpless. Lifeless. Almost like an out of body experience.  I had a mental breakdown."

Off to INOVA Fairfax Hospital I went.  They quickly announced that they had a "SI" (Suicidal Individual) that had arrived. They threw me into an ER room, sat someone at the edge of my bed to watch me.  A steady stream of nurses, psych liaisons, and doctors paraded in and out of my room.  Asking the same questions over & over...problem was, INOVA didn't accept my insurance for inpatient mental health care, so they were in search for somewhere else to send me.  After being at INOVA for 9 hours, it was off via ambulance to Dominion Hospital, this would be my home for the next 5 days.  The advice I received from my psych liaison , Cara, for my first inpatient stay was: "There will be people that make you feel like you don't belong there, there will be people there that you may think don't belong there, keep your focus on you, and concentrate on getting better."  This ended up being the best advice I could have received!

Upon arrival to Dominion (at 9PM) I did an intake interview, got searched, they took my cargo shorts (because of the strings) and all of my other personal belongings, handed me a hospital robe and I was led to my room. A stark white room, with two beds, two desks, two chairs and an in-suite bathroom.  No, not the coziest of places.  I cried myself to sleep that night, wondering how I ever ended up there, but also made a pact to myself to do everything I could to just "get better"...and  I did.

Starting the next morning, I didn't miss ONE therapy group that was offered.  I attended EVERYTHING, I was determined!  The mornings usually started with a community meeting.  This was a meeting where you shared your safety level, and a goal for the day as well as any emotions you were feeling.  After breakfast began the sessions that were usually an hour long.  Movement therapy, art therapy, music therapy, group sessions, individual sessions, dual diagnosis meetings, AA....I attended them ALL! It's safe to say, despite my temporary state of being I had an unusual determination to want to get better, and I made the most of stay at Dominion.

I think there are negatives and positives to everything in life.  My time at Dominion was no different.

• They checked my room every 15 minutes, even throughout the entire night.  Not the best place to get a good night's sleep...but there was a reason behind it needing to be done
• I was in a mental hospital.  There were psychotic people in there that needed help.  One in particular banged on the walls in the hallway at 2AM until he got coffee.  (again, no sleep)
• The food was the pits, being the picky eater that I am I lost 6 pounds in 5 days! 
• There were good psych techs, and there were psych techs there simply to collect a paycheck.  I think it takes special people, with great personalities & people skills to work in the mental health field.  Sadly, most I came in contact with, severely lacked those skills.
• You spend minimal time with the psychiatrist, who diagnoses you and places you on a medicine management plan after 5 or 10 minutes of conversation with you. How does that work??
• Towels the size of wash cloths.  I'm guessing they were eliminating anything that could be used to hang myself, but there were sheets on the bed, so I'm confused. 
• Visitation time was limited to ONE hour per day & two visitors per visitation.
• No cell phones, iPads, electronics etc.  While I HATED it (I'm a social media junkie), total disconnection was necessary to my recovery.

My friend Yvette bought me this gift during her visit.

Despite the negatives, I was still to able to come away with a great deal of information that was sure to help me once I was released.  Coping and breathing skills are essential skills to possess when dealing with and regulating  BPD.  Since emotion dysregulation is one of the main traits of BPD, building skills to manage these emotions when they arise is important.  I walked away from each session having acquired new relaxation exercises, mindful meditation practices, and self-help strategies that would help me for the rest of my life.

All in all, I am grateful for the services that were provided at Dominion.  I was in a dark place that I would have never been able to navigate my way out of....without help.  Upon admission, my safety level was a  ONE...which basically meant I was a danger to myself.  I felt as though the weight of the world had come crashing down upon me, and I didn't know how to cope. I was tired of trying, tired of crying. I didn't know how to dig myself out of the massive mess that life had created....that I'd created. Inside I was dying, so I wanted to end life totally---it seemed to be the easiest thing to do.  Easier than facing the challenges head on.  I've never been a quitter though, and no matter how life kept burying me alive, I continued to rise! Different people have different perspectives on how effective mental institutions are.  My first stay was definitely a life saving experience.   Varying results can be based on how much work you're able to put into getting to that "better place". I was determined to give it my all, and I did.  The hard work paid off, and in the end, despite the negatives---I walked away a stronger and wiser person.