Life Goes On...

I neglected to say in my last two posts, that I never in a million years would have thought that "I" would be suffering from a mental illness.  People generally look at me as accomplished, well off, successful, and skilled in my profession.  No matter the accolades I received, I still felt like a failure, inadequate, insecure and never quite good enough; but that goes right back to the signs of BPD---an unstable self image or sense of self.

I DID NOT know I that had BPD when I've built any of the friendships I have had over my lifetime, or when I cultivated the relationships throughout my life, or even with the rise and demise of my marriage, I was CLUELESS.  Had I known, I would have certainly revealed that information...as a precaution to ANYONE that attempted to form any type of relationship with me.  This is no different than if I had an infectious disease that could possibly put someone else at risk, I'd reveal.  But I didn't know, and I didn't intentionally build a friendship to hurt or betray.  In FACT, in this particular instance (with my friend), I actually set out to do what God urged me to do, and that was sow into her life finacially.  Had I stuck with doing ONLY what he said do, I would have probably saved everyone, including myself a lot of pain. 

What I did know.... I knew that I didn't befriend people often, but when I did...the connections would be extremely intense.  I knew that my inner circle was more like a dot, than an actual circle, outside of the childhood friends I made, there weren't others...but I chalked that up to my being extremely shy, introverted, quiet and private.  This no doubt came from how I was raised.  What I saw going on in my household, was NOT to be repeated....and I didn't.  I in turn grew up to be watchful but quiet. 

It troubled me ALOT that my friend felt as though I came into her life to intentionally hurt and betray her....with a mental illness that I didn't even KNOW existed at the time.  I've since had to radically accept (DBT at work) that I can't change what people think or feel about me.

So....Life after diagnosis.

I must say that I've spent an enormous amount of time and money working on getting to a better place after my diagnosis.  My BPD diagnosis was coupled with a severe depression diagnosis, thus resulting in a few inpatient stays, as well as PHP.  My first night in inpatient, as I cried myself to sleep, I told myself that I was greater than my struggles...and I was going to fight my way back to ME.  I've put in the work, and though the road is extremely long, and I have ages before full recovery...I have HOPE that one day I'll get there. 

I can't do it alone though, and I learned from one of my in-patient stays that when you have no friend/family support, you have to rely on your formal support system...and I have a FORMAL support system that helps me every step of the way.  You're not supposed to keep a good thing to yourself, so today...I'll share where MY help comes from:






1.  GOD

2.  My Psychatrist- Dr. Jamuna Raju, Arlington VA

3.  My Psychologist- Dr. Rose Merchant, Clinton MD

4.  My Life Coach (just added)- Tiffany Taylor, @TiffanyLael

5. Outpatient DBT Team at The Retreat at Sheppard Pratt, Baltimore MD

6. The BEST DAILY BPD help ever from Debbie Corso, @healingfrombpd

Currently I'm on 40 MG of Celexa, 25MG of Doxepin, 600 MG of Trileptal daily and 25 MG of Sonata daily---and Ativan as needed for Anxiety. I meet with my psychiatrist monthly to assess the effectiveness of my meds.  I attend weekly sessions of psychotherapy with my psychologist. Weekly DBT sessions, both individual and group. I have monthly sessions with my life coach. I get DAILY doses of inspiration, encouragement and tips for living with BPD from Debbie via twitter and facebook.






Well, that's all for now #BPDFriends...please know, that you're NEVER ALONE!  We're in this thing together!