I Just Want To Be Understood

I originally started this blog in a quest to be understood.  There were people in my life, that I unintentionally inflicted hurt and pain upon and I had a need and a want to be understood.  While I fundamentally understood their point of view, I didn't feel as though they were as open to understanding mine, which led to feelings of invalidation and rejection .  I'm not sure if this is the general consensus of all those that are living with BPD, but every day I think to myself..."what if" they just understood.  They being the non-borderline people in my life.  The people who I love, the people that I've hurt, my family, my friends..."what if" they understood me---understood this disorder, my life would be so much more manageable.

I read a blog from my twitter friend @Messyartoflvng that made me think of this even more.  In her blog, she said "I feel like I need help in a safe place with people that understand this mindset, these issues and the ridiculous things I do because of them."

I saw a tweet from Iyanla Vanzant yesterday, that said if you want Iyanla to fix your relationship....go fill out this form.  I of course, rushed to the link with expediency!  Of course I want Iyanla to fix ALL that I've recently lost...but then the shame consumed me.  The shame of having BPD, and the shame of having to share that with the world, in the unlikely event that I was even chosen.  I realized that maybe even Iyanla wouldn't understand me, and that temporarily deterred me from applying. My wise mind  (DBT still at work) showed up, and I actually did fill out the form.  NO MORE shame!!!

Sometimes, it saddens me that the only people that seem to understand me, are the other people that suffer from this disorder just as I do.  I want the non-borderline's in my life to UNDERSTAND!! Perhaps I'm the one that really doesn't understand...or perhaps I have an unrealistic expectation from people that claim to love me...

I'm trying to radically accept that everybody won't understand everything, but I'm going to be honest.  I haven't mastered that acceptance and I seriously struggle with this daily.  On an emotional level, being misunderstood causes me an enormous amount of frustration and pain.

I want them to understand, that even though I unintentionally hurt them, I hurt too.  My hurt is often times what they are feeling, intensified by 1000.  I DO feel shame and guilt as a result of my actions, and I feel it more intensely than most! Hypersensitivity, it's REAL.

I want them to understand , that although my false-self manifested it's way into the world via my relationships---what was real was my authentic self. (A.J. Mahari)  My love was authentic.  I'm slowly but surely finding my true self, and I'm giving it more credence than my false self....

I want them to understand, I am NOT my diagnosis.  People diagnosed with BPD, that seek professional help DO get better.  I'm doing my part, I just want you to support me.  Don't abandon me as I make every effort to beat this thing!

I want them to, separate the person from the disorder. Love me, but hate BPD.  If you took the time to educate yourself about the disorder you may understand better.  Understanding sometimes leads to compassion.  Compassion goes a long way!

I want them to understand, the absolutely absurd, unnecessary and ridiculous things that I did because of this disorder.  I've lied, and often times became the person I thought you wanted me to be in an attempt to gain your love and affection.  This doesn't mean I haven't changed.  The more I love myself, the more I learn that it's OK to unashamedly be my flawed self.

I want them to understand, that I've suffered from a lack of self-worth, self-love, and self-esteem for pretty much all of my life.  These issues won't be corrected overnight, but I'm committed and dedicated to long term help!  I don't want you to save me, I simply want you to stand by as I save myself.  If you're absent, how will you know the positive changes that I'm making in my life?

I want them to understand, that the silent treatment is a brutal form of emotional abuse.  Being ignored is honestly the worst feeling ever.  Your ignoring me is a form of punishment for having a mental illness that I'm working hard to control.

I want them to understand, that lying helped me to avoid the pain.  Therapy has helped me face the pain.  DBT has helped in dealing with my emotions surrounding the pain.

I want them to understand, that I wanted/needed to connect with a reality that was better than mine...good or bad.  Now I'm facing my reality, and I realize that my life, purpose and future are worth fighting for.

I want them to understand, that I'm not a bad person, I'm not a monster, I'm not crazy. I have Borderline. I'm a human being, with real feelings.  I'm discovering who I REALLY am, and although it's taken 37 years for it to happen, better late than never.

I just want more than anything to be understood.....