Regrets & Regression...

So, last week...I started writing a blog on my first inpatient stay at Dominion Mental Hospital.  For sure, it triggered me. Before I could catch myself I had quickly slipped back into the dark place that I've fought so hard to get out of.  I was screaming at myself in my head...."NOOOOOO, you're going BACKWARDS!!!  WRONG WAY!!!!"  I felt ashamed that I had regressed after spending so much time, effort and energy on getting to a better place, and seeing life more clearly.  This clearer view of life is more easily accomplished when I'm in an inpatient setting, or even when enrolled in a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP), where I'm for the most part shielded from the triggers that send me tumbling.  Unfortunately, I can't spend the rest of my life in inpatient or in PHP.  I must somehow- at some point, properly adjust to life without the security of those programs.  How do I exert the same confidence and self-assurance that I had in inpatient & PHP when I'm thrust back into the real world, the world full of my triggers....the world where I spend more time regretting things that I can't change?

I woke up Wednesday morning in tears...full of regret.  Full of remorse.  Full of shame.  Full of sorrow.  Full of hurt.  How did I get here SO quickly after having weeks of progress?  I thought that I had radically accepted some of the things I can't change...but suddenly I began to doubt myself.  I suddenly realized that my "hope" for certain situations to be better in my life was diminishing.  Was this diminishing hope the reason for my regression?  I was confused.  I posed a question to my twitter #BPDFriends asking whether or not having "hope" prevents "acceptance."  My twitter friend @messyartoflvng always has the best responses...she responded, "As Long as you accept that hope does not change the fact that something is as it is."  In that moment I instantly felt relieved but regret continued to follow me throughout the day.

For most of my life, I've tried not to live with regrets.  Everything in life happens for a reason, and I try to learn the lessons from the seasons rather than regret.  Over the last few years, I've actually developed a few regrets, even though I've gained a tremendous amount of practical and life experiences from these seasons.  I had to come to the understanding that living with regret isn't a sign of weakness. There is nothing wrong with wishing I had never done something, it only reminds me that I have high expectations of myself, and that I can do better!!!

 “If we have goals and dreams and want to do our best. If we really love people and don’t want to hurt them, we should feel pain when things go wrong,” - Kathryn Schulz

 So how do I learn to transition from the security of inpatient/PHP...I must live one minute at a time.  One minute eventually leads to one day at a time.It sounds like a simple concept, but really in my life with BPD, I've found this challenging.  I've often times been so concerned about what's going to happen in the future, that I forget to take care of me in the here and now.  For sure, I've come SO far.  I've actually learned to not allow my moments of darkness to completely consume me and my day.  I deal with the dark moments as they come and I try with everything that's in me...NOT to allow those moments to turn into days.  I begin and end my day in prayer, and I don't pick the previous day's darkness up the next day.  I've surrounded myself with like-minded people that understand me & this disorder.  I keep all therapy and coaching appointments.  I take all medication as prescribed.  I attend on-line & in person Al-Anon meetings.  I am doing EVERYTHING I can....to get to a better place for ME.  My past mistakes don't define me, neither do my temporary moments of darkness. So with that, I'm encouraged to continue pressing on.....One minute at a time!