Codependency

Recently, I've been learning about and dealing with codependency in both my psychotherapy sessions and Al-Anon.  It's never really an easy pill to swallow when you suddenly realize you have more issues to tackle! As if the depression and BPD diagnosis weren't already enough...I now have the added codependency traits that I'm also learning to recover from.

While I was in high school, I attended a few Ala-teen group sessions at the recommendation of a teacher.  I was very much cognizant of the meaning of codependency yet completely unaware that over the years, my actions had completely transformed into those of a codependent.  A friend of mine had passively thrown the term about, in describing my actions...and my behavior as it related to her, but I didn't take heed.  It wasn't until my life came crashing down and my world was torn apart---that TRUE self discovery started to take place.  I was at a place where I was completely lost...I didn't know who I was or how I had become that person.  Right before my first inpatient hospitalization, I remember sitting in a client's office one day and I completely broke down!  I cried at my desk, and a co-worker came in and asked what was wrong...all I could say was "I feel like I'm losing my mind, I feel like I'm going crazy."  Codependency had taken over my life, and taken on a life of its own.  Both my therapist and psychiatrist have said that often times, people go through cycles or periods of codependency.  That was definitely true for me, I've seen it amplified over the past 2-3 years.

"Codependency is a behavioral and psychological condition in which a person sacrifices his/her own wants and needs in order to maintain an unhealthy relationship. It is also called “relationship addiction”. Codependency is probably due to the intense fear and frantic efforts to avoid abandonment common in BPD." (BPD & Codependency, Becky Oberg)

EEEEEK....Codependency AND BPD....I mean c'mon.  Not a combination I'd wish on my worst enemy!

In my codependent world, I attached myself to people, sometimes even lying to and deceiving those I truly loved...to ensure they loved me back (people pleasing.)  I obsessively held on tightly to these people that I was so very dependent on.  I would sacrifice myself...to make sure their needs were met, that they were happy, that their problems were solved, that they were taken care of (care-taking.)  I centered my LIFE around these people to ensure my security and happiness (control).  I convinced myself that I couldn't live without these people--- because of course my relationship with them was more important to me than I was to myself.  Point blank, I was dependent on someone else's approval, presence, love and their need for me.  Did I need something in return?  Of course I did.  I was desperate for validation.  I was desperate for love.  I needed to be needed.   My self-worth was ONLY boosted when I was able to see the positive difference I made in their lives.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a giver at heart.  I give freely without expectation. I love HARD and I generally give 110% in any relationship/friendship I'm in.  I 'm extremely compassionate and empathetic naturally. That's the HEALTHY part of my true character.  The unhealthy/codependent part comes into play when I allowed those relationships, people and their problems to consume me...when I crossed the boundaries and made it my responsibility to please them and care for them without their consent or request. Bottom line is I severely lacked self worth and self-esteem.  I didn't love myself enough to think that someone could actually love me for who I am.

So how am I recovering from being a co-dependent?  Therapy and life coaching have been SUPERB in getting me out of that self-destructive cycle.  I admitted that I had a problem and took ownership for the messes I made. I didn't want to face the ugly truth, so for years, I lived with beautiful lies. I'm thankful that the truth has finally set me free.  I had to rid myself of the codependent relationships in my life.  Some removed themselves from my life, others I had to detach from with love.  Today, I'm taking time to focus on ME. I accept myself for who I truly am, I'm finding happiness and peace within.  I'm learning to love myself just as I am.  It has taken A LOT of work, but I see an improved difference every day.  I am perfectly imperfect, lovable and deserve to be loved.  I'm no longer afraid of being myself.  There's SOMEBODY in the world that's willing to love the person I've been hiding. I've removed the mask that has kept me safe and in control, I see myself and now I'm being myself.   I'm becoming my OWN best friend; "you love, say, give and do your best for your best friend." -D.Furstenburg...and TODAY, my best friend is, ME!