Emotional Bullies

Even before being diagnosed with BPD, a serious fear of abandonment has been apparent in my life. I honestly didn't know it was a "REAL" psychological issue.  As a result, I've often times stayed in relationships longer than I should have...gotten married when I shouldn't have...and clung dearly to the emotional bullies in my life.  Yep, with all the intelligence, common sense, and education that I posses, I continued to hang on to the emotional bullies, at all costs---including my sanity.  These bullies were co-workers, best friends, and YES---even my own family members.  They were people that I love (even now) with my whole heart, people that I think the world of and people that I would bet my entire life savings would never leave or abandon me.  The very people that knew my fear used it against me.  Emotional abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse, yet it's one of the least talked about. It's very subtle but anything that causes another person emotional pain is considered emotional bullying. Below are some signs I recognized of the emotional bullies in my life.

1.  Isolating- Attacking someones relationships that they have with other people is a way to isolate you, so that you are only available to the bully.  I had a friend that gave me "advice" and "counsel" that caused me to distance myself from family, friends and others that may be concerned about my well being.  There was a constant verbal trashing of my friends and family- as well as a control of the amount of interaction I had with them.  These actions made me solely dependent on my friend for EVERYTHING-including support, love and affection.  

2.  Emotional Black Mail- When they threaten to abandon you, to end the relationship.  This is a way of controlling me, because for sure this plays on my weaknesses and vulnerabilities.  Often times, people in my life would "punish" me for not behaving in the way that they wanted me to.  On an emotional level, they withheld the very needs they knew got me through each day.  Punishment is a definite form of manipulation.

3.  Withholding Affection-This is another form of emotional blackmail but it's deeper.  For me, it was the withholding of psychological and emotional nurturing.  I once had a family member who wouldn't speak to me for weeks at a time when I did something displeasing to them.  They deliberately withheld their daily communication, concern, support and love.  Which left me feeling rejected, abandoned and unworthy.

4.  Rejection-  They ignore you, give you the silent treatment, talk to others ABOUT you but won't talk to you, give you the cold shoulder and pushes you away.  Left feeling unwanted and unlovable, yet you still cling to and grateful for whatever little affection this person show you.

We've all heard the term "drama queen."  A drama queen is someone who turns something unimportant into a major deal---someone who responds irrationally and disproportionately to minor incidents... believe it or not, being a drama queen can be a form of emotional bullying.

The below is from Blogger News Network

Although they come in many forms, Drama Queens share some common traits.  They:

• Are hypersensitive, highly emotional and easily hurt.  They’re super-intense, angry, hostile and emotional. They over-react as if everything is a matter of life and death.
• They misunderstand, jump to conclusions and blow up and demand apologies.
• Are perfectionistic, nit-picking, control freaks.  They’re vindictive blamers. They take everything personally and remember forever.
• Take over every situation or group.  They act as if their drama is more important than anything else in the world.  Nothing and nobody else matters; not even getting results.
• Think that spewing of emotions reveals the “real” person.  They’re uncomfortable with people they see as expressionless.  To Drama Queens, loud emotions show strength; calm people are wimps.

Yes, I've had my fair share of drama queens in my life too.  They've misunderstood me, jumped to conclusions about me, and started rumors from THEIR misunderstanding. They are the most perfect people I know, with faults even they can't see.  The emotional turmoil that they experience is above anything else that anyone else experiences. They are authentic and possess traits of integrity, except for when they say things like "Ill never abandon you", "Your secrets are safe with me",  and "You're stuck with me forever"....just to disappear, abandon you and reveal your secrets to the world.  
 

Surprisingly, the most common advice I've received from both therapists and friends alike about how to deal with emotional bullies has been to "Just ignore them, they'll go away". Unfortunately, they won't.  They get satisfaction from bullying you even if you don't respond.  If you DO respond (which I regrettably did last week) they get an extra thrill from the evidence of their power over you.

I obviously don't have the answer on how to deal with emotional bullies, especially when it comes from people that you love dearly,  but I will say this.  I've radically accepted that they are happy being the way they are, with all the drama-queen behavior and their genuine self-inflicted pain.  We can't change ANYONE, we can only change ourselves.  So with that, I've learned to detach myself from those that emotionally bully me.  "Detachment is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement." Al-Anon Member

Accepting the Unexpected...The Power of Encouragement!

I shared a picture with my twitter family of a very unexpected bouquet of flowers that I'd recently received.  The flowers came on a day where both BPD and Depression were trying to take over.  Additionally, I'd had a long day with a difficult and annoying individual!!  For sure, I was looking for the Calgon to completely take me away.  To my surprise, when I arrived home there was the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that I'd ever seen before.  The card attached said "Hope these help to brighten up your day."  My eyes lit up before they filled with tears.  I was so overwhelmed and touched that someone thought enough of me, to even want to brighten my day.  Funny thing is....it worked.  My mood changed instantly.  For some reason, I couldn't fathom that someone could actually believe in me! or that I made a difference in the life of someone.  There we go with the BPD traits again, this time in particular the one involving identity.  People that live with BPD often present identity disturbances which includes an unstable self-image or sense of self.

Today, I received the most encouraging email from a person that I least expected.   I'm going to share the email in it's entirety...minus the name of the person that sent it.  You'd have to know the person to understand the "drinking" humor, but that's what it is.  The sincerity made me cry and the humor made me laugh.  Either way...the encouragement made my heart smile, lifted my spirits and brightened my day.

Hi,

 I am so sorry that you are going through some rough times right now. I know how hard things can be and how dreadful the future can seem. But once you hit bottom, there is only one direction to go, and that's up. Recognizing you have a problem is half the battle; concentrating on getting healthy is easier once you know what demons you are trying to conquer.

  You are blessed, my dear with lots of positive attributes. You are very strong, have lots of close friends and are one of the most determined people I know. I didn't say stubborn, did I? Believe it or not, once you are on the other side of this, you will be an even stronger person. Sure, life has its way of throwing lots of nasty things at us but as is said very often, the Big Guy (or Gal) upstairs never gives us more than we can handle. And you are handling this with the dignity and determination that defines you.

  Here's what I would suggest-

   Concentrate on the bright side-there is always a bright side.

   Find your way around this-when a door is closed in your face, look for the window

   Stay busy and keep your mind active. Allowing yourself to wallow in the darkness is not recommended.

   Remember that you are not alone. No one is spared from the shit we all have to deal with.

   Drink heavily

   And most important-keep perspective and smile a lot (the drinking will help that).

  You'll be fine & I'm not at all worried about you.

  Be happy.

 Your friend,

 Xoxoxoxo

After reading that email, I received a call from my GodFather who was unaware of what has been going on in my life.  You see, I wear that #BPD mask pretty well.  Most people only see what I portray.  I'm good at smiling on the outside while dying on the inside.  He insisted that God put me on his heart and in his spirit---and he wouldn't hang up before I shared what was wrong.  Before I knew it I broke down crying while trying to explain....all of the hurt and pain that I had been harboring poured out of me.  When I got done I was empty...and that emptiness provided space for him to pour/speak life into my lifeless spirit!!!  He assured me that he cared about me as well encouraged me immensely   Because of who he is, however, he was the LAST person I'd expected to receive a call from.

I can't forget my biggest twitter cheerleader @messyartoflvng.  No matter what she's going through in her own life...she takes the time to lift me up and encourage me DAILY!  It's so beneficial to have support and encouragement from others that can relate to what you're going through.  Sometimes, all it takes is a simple tweet to change someones day...and more times than not, those tweets that change my day come from her! I'm so grateful that our paths crossed, and again...encouragement and motivation coming in the least expected form.

Encouragement doesn't take any special talent!  Everyone can do it.  Encouragement brings hope, healing and comfort to those that are downtrodden and experiencing the rough roads of "life".  God has a way of sending the right people...at the right time.  He gives us everything we need!  Be open to receive what God has provided!  It may not come in the package or the person you expected it from.  All the encouragement and motivation that I've referenced has come in the least expected forms and from the people that I least expected it to come from.....I thank God that he placed me on their hearts.  He continues to work things out for my good! Their encouragement has given me HOPE and therefore I'll continue to accept the unexpected!!!

Strength & Courage: My First Inpatient Stay

Let's be honest with one another, if you ask most people what they think of when they hear mental institution,  I'm sure you'll get a variety of common responses such as; straight jackets, crazy killers, padded walls/rooms, white coats, crazies, raving lunatics, and the stereotypical list goes on and on.

About 11.4 million adult Americans suffered from mental illness in the past year, while 2 million teens experienced a major depressive episode in the past year. YES, 1 in 5 Americans suffer from Mental Illness, so it's more common than you probably think!   60% of those suffering actually get treatment each year, and some of these treatments take place in an inpatient setting in mental hospitals/institutions! Being admitted to a mental institution or hospital is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength and courage to seek the help needed to overcome one's issues.

September 8, 2012---(taken directly from my journal)

"I was literally, sitting on my bedroom floor, doing my normal Saturday morning cleaning. Out of NOWHERE, without warning, one tear fell, then another and another. Uncontrollable tears continued. My entire body was shaking.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't think.  I couldn't focus. I was unable to function. Was I having an anxiety attack?  Everything that I had been dealing with totally consumed me, overtook me...I was helpless. Lifeless. Almost like an out of body experience.  I had a mental breakdown."

Off to INOVA Fairfax Hospital I went.  They quickly announced that they had a "SI" (Suicidal Individual) that had arrived. They threw me into an ER room, sat someone at the edge of my bed to watch me.  A steady stream of nurses, psych liaisons, and doctors paraded in and out of my room.  Asking the same questions over & over...problem was, INOVA didn't accept my insurance for inpatient mental health care, so they were in search for somewhere else to send me.  After being at INOVA for 9 hours, it was off via ambulance to Dominion Hospital, this would be my home for the next 5 days.  The advice I received from my psych liaison , Cara, for my first inpatient stay was: "There will be people that make you feel like you don't belong there, there will be people there that you may think don't belong there, keep your focus on you, and concentrate on getting better."  This ended up being the best advice I could have received!

Upon arrival to Dominion (at 9PM) I did an intake interview, got searched, they took my cargo shorts (because of the strings) and all of my other personal belongings, handed me a hospital robe and I was led to my room. A stark white room, with two beds, two desks, two chairs and an in-suite bathroom.  No, not the coziest of places.  I cried myself to sleep that night, wondering how I ever ended up there, but also made a pact to myself to do everything I could to just "get better"...and  I did.

Starting the next morning, I didn't miss ONE therapy group that was offered.  I attended EVERYTHING, I was determined!  The mornings usually started with a community meeting.  This was a meeting where you shared your safety level, and a goal for the day as well as any emotions you were feeling.  After breakfast began the sessions that were usually an hour long.  Movement therapy, art therapy, music therapy, group sessions, individual sessions, dual diagnosis meetings, AA....I attended them ALL! It's safe to say, despite my temporary state of being I had an unusual determination to want to get better, and I made the most of stay at Dominion.

I think there are negatives and positives to everything in life.  My time at Dominion was no different.

• They checked my room every 15 minutes, even throughout the entire night.  Not the best place to get a good night's sleep...but there was a reason behind it needing to be done
• I was in a mental hospital.  There were psychotic people in there that needed help.  One in particular banged on the walls in the hallway at 2AM until he got coffee.  (again, no sleep)
• The food was the pits, being the picky eater that I am I lost 6 pounds in 5 days! 
• There were good psych techs, and there were psych techs there simply to collect a paycheck.  I think it takes special people, with great personalities & people skills to work in the mental health field.  Sadly, most I came in contact with, severely lacked those skills.
• You spend minimal time with the psychiatrist, who diagnoses you and places you on a medicine management plan after 5 or 10 minutes of conversation with you. How does that work??
• Towels the size of wash cloths.  I'm guessing they were eliminating anything that could be used to hang myself, but there were sheets on the bed, so I'm confused. 
• Visitation time was limited to ONE hour per day & two visitors per visitation.
• No cell phones, iPads, electronics etc.  While I HATED it (I'm a social media junkie), total disconnection was necessary to my recovery.

My friend Yvette bought me this gift during her visit.

Despite the negatives, I was still to able to come away with a great deal of information that was sure to help me once I was released.  Coping and breathing skills are essential skills to possess when dealing with and regulating  BPD.  Since emotion dysregulation is one of the main traits of BPD, building skills to manage these emotions when they arise is important.  I walked away from each session having acquired new relaxation exercises, mindful meditation practices, and self-help strategies that would help me for the rest of my life.

All in all, I am grateful for the services that were provided at Dominion.  I was in a dark place that I would have never been able to navigate my way out of....without help.  Upon admission, my safety level was a  ONE...which basically meant I was a danger to myself.  I felt as though the weight of the world had come crashing down upon me, and I didn't know how to cope. I was tired of trying, tired of crying. I didn't know how to dig myself out of the massive mess that life had created....that I'd created. Inside I was dying, so I wanted to end life totally---it seemed to be the easiest thing to do.  Easier than facing the challenges head on.  I've never been a quitter though, and no matter how life kept burying me alive, I continued to rise! Different people have different perspectives on how effective mental institutions are.  My first stay was definitely a life saving experience.   Varying results can be based on how much work you're able to put into getting to that "better place". I was determined to give it my all, and I did.  The hard work paid off, and in the end, despite the negatives---I walked away a stronger and wiser person.

Regrets & Regression...

So, last week...I started writing a blog on my first inpatient stay at Dominion Mental Hospital.  For sure, it triggered me. Before I could catch myself I had quickly slipped back into the dark place that I've fought so hard to get out of.  I was screaming at myself in my head...."NOOOOOO, you're going BACKWARDS!!!  WRONG WAY!!!!"  I felt ashamed that I had regressed after spending so much time, effort and energy on getting to a better place, and seeing life more clearly.  This clearer view of life is more easily accomplished when I'm in an inpatient setting, or even when enrolled in a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP), where I'm for the most part shielded from the triggers that send me tumbling.  Unfortunately, I can't spend the rest of my life in inpatient or in PHP.  I must somehow- at some point, properly adjust to life without the security of those programs.  How do I exert the same confidence and self-assurance that I had in inpatient & PHP when I'm thrust back into the real world, the world full of my triggers....the world where I spend more time regretting things that I can't change?

I woke up Wednesday morning in tears...full of regret.  Full of remorse.  Full of shame.  Full of sorrow.  Full of hurt.  How did I get here SO quickly after having weeks of progress?  I thought that I had radically accepted some of the things I can't change...but suddenly I began to doubt myself.  I suddenly realized that my "hope" for certain situations to be better in my life was diminishing.  Was this diminishing hope the reason for my regression?  I was confused.  I posed a question to my twitter #BPDFriends asking whether or not having "hope" prevents "acceptance."  My twitter friend @messyartoflvng always has the best responses...she responded, "As Long as you accept that hope does not change the fact that something is as it is."  In that moment I instantly felt relieved but regret continued to follow me throughout the day.

For most of my life, I've tried not to live with regrets.  Everything in life happens for a reason, and I try to learn the lessons from the seasons rather than regret.  Over the last few years, I've actually developed a few regrets, even though I've gained a tremendous amount of practical and life experiences from these seasons.  I had to come to the understanding that living with regret isn't a sign of weakness. There is nothing wrong with wishing I had never done something, it only reminds me that I have high expectations of myself, and that I can do better!!!

 “If we have goals and dreams and want to do our best. If we really love people and don’t want to hurt them, we should feel pain when things go wrong,” - Kathryn Schulz

 So how do I learn to transition from the security of inpatient/PHP...I must live one minute at a time.  One minute eventually leads to one day at a time.It sounds like a simple concept, but really in my life with BPD, I've found this challenging.  I've often times been so concerned about what's going to happen in the future, that I forget to take care of me in the here and now.  For sure, I've come SO far.  I've actually learned to not allow my moments of darkness to completely consume me and my day.  I deal with the dark moments as they come and I try with everything that's in me...NOT to allow those moments to turn into days.  I begin and end my day in prayer, and I don't pick the previous day's darkness up the next day.  I've surrounded myself with like-minded people that understand me & this disorder.  I keep all therapy and coaching appointments.  I take all medication as prescribed.  I attend on-line & in person Al-Anon meetings.  I am doing EVERYTHING I can....to get to a better place for ME.  My past mistakes don't define me, neither do my temporary moments of darkness. So with that, I'm encouraged to continue pressing on.....One minute at a time!

I Made It Through Another Day's Journey...

I started writing a blog last week about my first inpatient stay.  Needless to say, it triggered so many emotions, and before I knew it...I had pummeled into a dark place, yet again!

I reached out to my Mom, who has been a God sent on this portion of my journey and she put things in perspective with one little sentence.  "Markeeda, you're going to have these days---at least it isn't EVERY DAY."  She's right, three months ago....or even a month ago....I had these dark days EVERY DAY...so as I look at how far I've come, I realize that I may not be where I want to be, but I thank God I'm not where I was.

I re-tweeted a powerful tweet the other day that pretty much summed up my sentiments in my last blog post about being understood. "I want someone that understands how much they affect my moods/emotions & takes that into consideration."

Then it hit me...While I want to be understood by everyone, there ARE people in my life that DO understand  and support me.  While I want some of the people of my past to reassure me, new people are being brought into my life to help me through this phase. While I want to heal broken family relationships, I realize that I spent 18 years being groomed for this very time.  While life isn't ALL that I want it to be, I've made it through another day's journey....and miles ahead of where I was last month, cause I'm still HERE!  #Perspective

I just want to quickly encourage someone today...that can't see their way out of the darkness---that better days are coming.  It WILL get better, just hold on, as tight as you can, and DON'T LET GO!  Don't GIVE UP!!!  I promise you, trouble doesn't last always....it WILL get better!!!!

I had to take a few days to regroup after halfway finishing the blog about my first inpatient stay, but I'll finish it this week for sure!

I Just Want To Be Understood

I originally started this blog in a quest to be understood.  There were people in my life, that I unintentionally inflicted hurt and pain upon and I had a need and a want to be understood.  While I fundamentally understood their point of view, I didn't feel as though they were as open to understanding mine, which led to feelings of invalidation and rejection .  I'm not sure if this is the general consensus of all those that are living with BPD, but every day I think to myself..."what if" they just understood.  They being the non-borderline people in my life.  The people who I love, the people that I've hurt, my family, my friends..."what if" they understood me---understood this disorder, my life would be so much more manageable.

I read a blog from my twitter friend @Messyartoflvng that made me think of this even more.  In her blog, she said "I feel like I need help in a safe place with people that understand this mindset, these issues and the ridiculous things I do because of them."

I saw a tweet from Iyanla Vanzant yesterday, that said if you want Iyanla to fix your relationship....go fill out this form.  I of course, rushed to the link with expediency!  Of course I want Iyanla to fix ALL that I've recently lost...but then the shame consumed me.  The shame of having BPD, and the shame of having to share that with the world, in the unlikely event that I was even chosen.  I realized that maybe even Iyanla wouldn't understand me, and that temporarily deterred me from applying. My wise mind  (DBT still at work) showed up, and I actually did fill out the form.  NO MORE shame!!!

Sometimes, it saddens me that the only people that seem to understand me, are the other people that suffer from this disorder just as I do.  I want the non-borderline's in my life to UNDERSTAND!! Perhaps I'm the one that really doesn't understand...or perhaps I have an unrealistic expectation from people that claim to love me...

I'm trying to radically accept that everybody won't understand everything, but I'm going to be honest.  I haven't mastered that acceptance and I seriously struggle with this daily.  On an emotional level, being misunderstood causes me an enormous amount of frustration and pain.

I want them to understand, that even though I unintentionally hurt them, I hurt too.  My hurt is often times what they are feeling, intensified by 1000.  I DO feel shame and guilt as a result of my actions, and I feel it more intensely than most! Hypersensitivity, it's REAL.

I want them to understand , that although my false-self manifested it's way into the world via my relationships---what was real was my authentic self. (A.J. Mahari)  My love was authentic.  I'm slowly but surely finding my true self, and I'm giving it more credence than my false self....

I want them to understand, I am NOT my diagnosis.  People diagnosed with BPD, that seek professional help DO get better.  I'm doing my part, I just want you to support me.  Don't abandon me as I make every effort to beat this thing!

I want them to, separate the person from the disorder. Love me, but hate BPD.  If you took the time to educate yourself about the disorder you may understand better.  Understanding sometimes leads to compassion.  Compassion goes a long way!

I want them to understand, the absolutely absurd, unnecessary and ridiculous things that I did because of this disorder.  I've lied, and often times became the person I thought you wanted me to be in an attempt to gain your love and affection.  This doesn't mean I haven't changed.  The more I love myself, the more I learn that it's OK to unashamedly be my flawed self.

I want them to understand, that I've suffered from a lack of self-worth, self-love, and self-esteem for pretty much all of my life.  These issues won't be corrected overnight, but I'm committed and dedicated to long term help!  I don't want you to save me, I simply want you to stand by as I save myself.  If you're absent, how will you know the positive changes that I'm making in my life?

I want them to understand, that the silent treatment is a brutal form of emotional abuse.  Being ignored is honestly the worst feeling ever.  Your ignoring me is a form of punishment for having a mental illness that I'm working hard to control.

I want them to understand, that lying helped me to avoid the pain.  Therapy has helped me face the pain.  DBT has helped in dealing with my emotions surrounding the pain.

I want them to understand, that I wanted/needed to connect with a reality that was better than mine...good or bad.  Now I'm facing my reality, and I realize that my life, purpose and future are worth fighting for.

I want them to understand, that I'm not a bad person, I'm not a monster, I'm not crazy. I have Borderline. I'm a human being, with real feelings.  I'm discovering who I REALLY am, and although it's taken 37 years for it to happen, better late than never.

I just want more than anything to be understood.....

"Back From The Edge"

"Back from the Edge" is a documentary on BPD done by the New York Presbyterian Hospital.

It's pretty lengthy (48 min long), and I'm sure only people REALLY interested in learning more about BPD and about those of us that live with it will actually watch it in it's entirety.  For those not interested in watching, I outlined a few points below, especially those relative to MY life living with BPD.  Enjoy!

"People with BPD experience emotions more intensely than others."

"People with BPD tend to be very dependent and clingy."

"You can't have interpersonal relationships if you're not emotionally stable."

"People thought I had everything together...they thought everything was perfect because that's how I appeared to the world"

"Felt like a Chameleon-there is a sense of not knowing who you are. I was being who other people wanted me to or expected me to be."

" I was becoming someone else so people would like me...therefore being a part of something.  I didn't know how to be."

"People with BPD often times conform to what they think other people want from them."

"People with BPD need other people to regulate them.  The relationships that they form often times breathe life into them"

"Absences or separations from the relationships that they form are catastrophic in their significance...like they don't exist themselves."

"People with Bordeline don't know they are being manipulative."

"Manipulation assumes a person has the skills to think and then execute a plan.  Manipulation in that sense can't be applied to people with BPD."

"I had physical aggression, NOT against anyone."

"As I began to feel more and more worthless as a person, I began to feel people would be better off without me."

"People with the disorder find great relief from being diagnosed."

"BPD is an imminently treatable disorder.  Patients can be helped...have a good chance to get better."

"BPD is a disorder of relations.  Recovery involves getting back into communities and having relationships, tolerating the stress and building a life for yourself again."

"People with this disorder get better!!!!"

For loved ones of someone living with BPD..."Participate in therapy.  Get to know what's going on and what to expect"

"Recovery is not a sprint, but a long distance race."

"...The will and desire to confront what's going on with yourself.  If you confront it, things will be so much better.  It takes faith and trust in the people around you to admit having something so stigmatized and then put yourself in their hands and say please help."