Fighting Stigma and Shame!!

Last week I was bamboozled by a family member that was spreading incorrect and inaccurate information about my mental health journey.  This saddened me but it let me know that myths and stereotypes are constantly being perpetuated by lots of people; sometimes including family and the people closest to those of us that live with mental illness.  I must admit, I was utterly confused on how they were presenting details about me, my mental health journey, the disorder(s) I've been diagnosed with and how I live with them every day.  How can you speak of something that you clearly have no knowledge of? Their ignorance caused me major pain and suffering. An old friend of mine described my mental health journey as a "LifeTime Movie"...this came from an activist that daily fights the stigma & shame surrounding her health issues.  Apparently, she was unaware that her depiction was completely judgmental, stereotypical, critical and completely lacked the compassion that she too fights for regarding her OWN illness.  I understand though, that people fear what they don't understand.  I've decided not to suffer in silence, and to make sure those that actually love and care for me are well informed and educated about not just MY disorder, but mental illness as a whole.

Often times, we actually believe what is portrayed in movies and on television as reality.  Fact of the matter is, movies and television are entertainment, not education (unless of course you're watching Animal Planet,The History Channel, Discovery, etc.)  There are hundreds of movies and sit-coms that negatively and inaccurately depict mental illness and this fuels the stigma and shame associated with it.  Additionally, the news media tends to focus on the mental illness aspect when anything violent or tragic happens.  In 2012 alone, the media dug into the mental health history of Congresswoman Gifford's shooter (Jared Lee Loughner), the Colorado movie theater shooter (James Holmes), and the Sikh Temple shooter (Wade Michael Page.)  Fortunately, these acts of violence are not typical of ALL people that suffer from mental illness yet the media portrayal as something dark and dangerous further adds to the stigma and shame.

How you represent yourself and your disorder has a huge effect on fighting stigma. I personally have BPD, but I choose not to allow BPD to control my life. I live...in spite of my diagnosis, and as the title of my blog states, I'm MORE than my diagnosis. 
We all have the power to fight stigma.  I personally believe that fight starts with education...and identifying the myths and misinformation about mental illness will help to dispel such nonsense.


MY Biggest Mental Health Myths/Stigmas:

• Mental Illness is rare/uncommon:  One in five Americans will be diagnosed with a mental disorder in their lifetime.  This makes mental illnesses more common than cancer, diabetes or HIV/AIDS.
• People with mental illnesses are "CRAZY":  Crazy is a meaningless term.  People with mental illnesses are sick, not crazy.
• People with mental illness are more likely to commit violent crimes:  Mentally ill people are more likely to be the victims of crime than the perpetrators of it.  Most crime are committed out of passion or greed.  Both are very sane things, but not morally correct.  Immoral and insane are very different.  Via @StigmaSmash 
• Mental Illness is usually a choice of bad lifestyle choices:  Mental illness is NOT a result of character flaws or weakness.  Mental Illnesses are health conditions (sometimes brain) that are products of social, psychological, genetic and biological factors.  
• People with mental illness are dangerous/ violent:  People with mental health conditions are no more violent than anyone else!  Those suffering from mental illness are often more frightened, confused and despairing than violent.  Unless drugs or alcohol are involved, people with mental disorders do not pose more of a threat to the community than anyone else.
• People with mental illness never recover:  People with mental illnesses CAN and DO recover.  With treatment, medicine, therapy, support or a combination of all---people with mental illnesses can lead fulfilling and productive lives and contribute positively to society.

Everyone is affected by mental illness.  If your friend, family member or loved one lives with mental illness there are a few things you can do....to ease the shame associated with the illness.  Treat people with mental illnesses as people and not as an illness!  Treat them with respect and dignity as you would anyone else.  Don't label people with terms as "crazy" "wacko" or "CooCoo".  Lastly, learn the facts about mental health and share them with others!

"Mental Illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all." -Bill Clinton

Experience Is The Best Teacher!

I must be honest...I completely struggled through Thanksgiving Day, but I MADE IT!  I'm still here!  One of my family members was in town visiting for the holiday, and I decided to pay a visit since it had  been some time since I'd seen them.  I was actually kind of excited about just getting a chance to see them and hugging their neck~~ genuine hugs can sometimes make all your problems seem to disappear!  I was indeed a little anxious, family relations over the past few months have been strained to say the least, but nevertheless, I headed out, eagerly anticipating the show of love and brief fellowship that was about to commence. I arrived with a small token, and a smile on my face!  It made my heart smile that my family members were just as happy to see me as I was to see them.  I seemingly had been anxious for NOTHING. But, In the midst of our laughing and joking...the conversation took a QUICK turn to something more serious.  Mental Health.

I was informed that another family member (one that I loved dearly) had been telling everyone that I was bi-polar, that I had 10 personalities, that I was "crazy", and that I'd taken to Facebook to speak ill of them publicly.  YES, tears instantly welled up in my eyes...my heart and spirit were INSTANTLY pierced.  How could the ONE person I'd thought the world of: trash my name...throw me under the bus...spread lies...spew ignorance???  The people that I speak to the least seem to ALWAYS be those that have the MOST to say about me.  This family member was invited to attend family counseling with me, invited to visit me during my inpatient stay to speak with my mental health team (Psychiatrist and Psychologist) and they didn't show up. Yet, they were very verbal about what they THOUGHT they knew about my mental health history.  Fact is, I was initially MISDIAGNOSED with Bipolar Disorder. MANY other people (40%) that have BPD have also been inaccurately diagnosed with Bipolar initially. You can read the NIH study here if you are so inclined. BPD Misdiagnosed as Bipolar.  

Lies aside (which they ARE).  SUPPOSE I did have Bipolar.  Suppose I was crazy.  Suppose I did have 10 personalities.  Does that make me unworthy of love and  respect?  I'm STILL a part of your FAMILY. You don't discard people you claimed to love just 2 weeks ago.  Where I come from, family is supposed to love unconditionally.  They cover and correct with LOVE. They restore.  They don't condemn.  They don't judge. They don't tear down. They don't abandon you. They don't kick you while you're down.  They don't invalidate.  They stick with you through the tough times.  They support.  They encourage. They educate themselves so that they don't add to the SHAME and STIGMA associated with mental illness.  I'd always heard that family could hurt you the worst, but I'd never personally experienced that...until now.  

Through this experience, I've learned that...

• Indeed, those you love the most, can hurt you the worst---and family is NOT exempt. 
• My family members are souls on a journey struggling through their life lessons just as I am. (Iyanla)
• Blood is thicker than water is true in science, not life.
• Sometimes, even family are waiting for you to fall, instead of helping you out.
• People often speak about what they don't know.  Knowledge really is power. Lack of is ignorance.
• People are quick to share your flaws, but don't acknowledge their own.
• Just because I'm able to OWN my faults, issues & mistakes...everyone isn't capable of doing the same.
• Hurting people really do hurt people.
• The WHOLE story is always better than a partial story, and it's only fair for all.

I'm glad with each life experience I am able to learn lessons.  From now on, I'm making it a personal goal to not allow ANYONE'S ignorance, hate, drama or negativity stop me from being the BEST person I can be!!!!

I'm Thankful...

I don't want to be a holiday pooper....although, I'm REALLY NOT feeling this holiday season.  I've learned though, that no matter HOW bad things are in life---there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. So here we go.

I'm thankful for...

1.  A will to live.  It may sound simple, but just a few months ago, I didn't have a will to live.  I didn't want to live.  I didn't feel as I had anything to live for.  I attempted suicide and I'm thankful that my attempt was a failed attempt.

2.  Second Chances.  My rock bottom became the foundation upon which I'm rebuilding my life.  A clean slate is what I needed.  My past is my past...I don't live there anymore.  Anyone unable or unwilling to let go of it as I have, unfortunately has to be left there by themselves.

3.  Progress.  I'm not where I want to be, but I thank God I'm not where I used to be.  Recovery is hard work, and I've been putting in MAJOR work...even when it's only baby steps at a time.  Just yesterday, I began making amends to those I've hurt.  While it was emotionally draining, it was also mentally fulfilling.  So many weights were lifted with only 4 out of 37 people contacted.

4. The ending of 2012.  I can emphatically say, this has been the WORST year of my life.  Anyone that knows me knows what I've lost;  My mind, some family, some friends, my dignity.  2013 is the year of restoration and I'm rolling into it FULL SPEED AHEAD!

5.  My Dog Skittles. Until recently, we haven't spent very much time alone together.  We're forced to be alone together now...and he has learned me, my moods.  When I'm my saddest, he hangs close and lavishes me with cuddles.  Can't ask for anything better than someone that loves me unconditionally, no matter what we've been through...even if it comes in the form of my dog!

6. My BPD twitter family.  Living with a mental illness is NOT easy.  YES, we can live "normal lives"(whatever that is).  Having a community of people that suffer from the same disorder that I do, that lifts me up and are able to relate to 99% of the emotions and issues that I go through is AWESOME. Having people that understand me and can relate to me has been my saving grace over the last few months.  God knows what we need....when we need it.

7. Lastly...I'm thankful that God IS.

Enjoy your day!  From Skittles & I..Happy Thanksgiving to you & yours.

Holiday Blues...

I guess there could be any number of reasons that I've been overly emotional for the past few weeks.   Maybe it's because I finally realize how broken I really am.  How much my heart aches, how much pain and hurt is present in my heart...and how far I'm away from healing. Total Brokenness.
Maybe it's because my past and the people in it are constantly being brought to my attention. 
Maybe it's because I experience periods of loneliness. People have removed themselves and I've completely detached (with love) from the codependent relationships in my life.  That makes four fewer people in my life than this time last year, and for the most part---these people constituted my entire support system.
Maybe it's the strained relationships that I have with multiple family members and our inability to overcome disagreements.
Maybe it's the upcoming holiday season...it is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, right?  Well for me its not.  I seriously wish I could hibernate through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's only to wake up on January 1, 2013.  Ideally, I'd wake up to the realization that what I've been living these last few years, was nothing more than a nightmare; a really bad dream.
Maybe facing the reality of that not happening has me emotional.

Maybe it's just a combination of it all.  Looking into the kaleidoscope of my life, nothing is quite coming into focus.  All I know is that I've been an emotional wreck...crying at the drop of a dime.

Am I headed into another depressive episode?  Not exactly.  What's different now (than say a year ago), is that I'm able to recognize my symptoms, and this sometimes enables me to prevent a complete downward spiral.  During this valley experience, I've become very in tuned to myself.  I notice the most subtle changes in my emotions.  I'm now completely aware of my triggers and I'm constantly tweaking my action plan on how to deal better with them when they arise. 

So how do I avoid a depressive episode when I do notice the changes in my emotions??

1.  I treat myself gently with kindness and forgiveness.  I do NOT beat up on myself for feeling the way I feel. 

2.  I force myself to get out of the bed after I've slept for 8 hours....and I try to do at least 20 minutes of activity daily. (Preferably outdoors)

3.  I listen to relaxation sounds almost 24/7.  This is new for me, but it has helped SO much!!  The sounds of a calming soft stream...or gentle rainfall plays constantly---even through the night.

4.  I burn SAGE!!

5.  I use Rose, Jasmine and Bergamot oils as aromatherapy...usually in my bath.  Sometimes, I put a few drops of the oil on an old cloth and inhale the scent a few times a day.

6.  I try to make sure I eat and hydrate properly...and I indulge in LOTS of white tea (Teavana's Golden Mojito)!  I'm extra careful to take ALL prescribed medication AS prescribed.

7.  I try to steer clear of anything that could potentially kill my spirit.  Only you know what those things are in your life....but for me, it's subliminal messages from people that are angry with me--- by way of blogs, tweets, facebook, instagram, etc.

8.  I  speak openly in my support group.  Al-Anon has been a LIFESAVER. (Point blank, period) 

9.  I meditate-twice a day.

10.  I try to indulge in those things that I enjoy. 


While it's not always possible to prevent a depressive episode...these are things that I've done to minimize its effects.  Find out what works for you, and share them with others that may be dealing with the same thing.

Codependency

Recently, I've been learning about and dealing with codependency in both my psychotherapy sessions and Al-Anon.  It's never really an easy pill to swallow when you suddenly realize you have more issues to tackle! As if the depression and BPD diagnosis weren't already enough...I now have the added codependency traits that I'm also learning to recover from.

While I was in high school, I attended a few Ala-teen group sessions at the recommendation of a teacher.  I was very much cognizant of the meaning of codependency yet completely unaware that over the years, my actions had completely transformed into those of a codependent.  A friend of mine had passively thrown the term about, in describing my actions...and my behavior as it related to her, but I didn't take heed.  It wasn't until my life came crashing down and my world was torn apart---that TRUE self discovery started to take place.  I was at a place where I was completely lost...I didn't know who I was or how I had become that person.  Right before my first inpatient hospitalization, I remember sitting in a client's office one day and I completely broke down!  I cried at my desk, and a co-worker came in and asked what was wrong...all I could say was "I feel like I'm losing my mind, I feel like I'm going crazy."  Codependency had taken over my life, and taken on a life of its own.  Both my therapist and psychiatrist have said that often times, people go through cycles or periods of codependency.  That was definitely true for me, I've seen it amplified over the past 2-3 years.

"Codependency is a behavioral and psychological condition in which a person sacrifices his/her own wants and needs in order to maintain an unhealthy relationship. It is also called “relationship addiction”. Codependency is probably due to the intense fear and frantic efforts to avoid abandonment common in BPD." (BPD & Codependency, Becky Oberg)

EEEEEK....Codependency AND BPD....I mean c'mon.  Not a combination I'd wish on my worst enemy!

In my codependent world, I attached myself to people, sometimes even lying to and deceiving those I truly loved...to ensure they loved me back (people pleasing.)  I obsessively held on tightly to these people that I was so very dependent on.  I would sacrifice myself...to make sure their needs were met, that they were happy, that their problems were solved, that they were taken care of (care-taking.)  I centered my LIFE around these people to ensure my security and happiness (control).  I convinced myself that I couldn't live without these people--- because of course my relationship with them was more important to me than I was to myself.  Point blank, I was dependent on someone else's approval, presence, love and their need for me.  Did I need something in return?  Of course I did.  I was desperate for validation.  I was desperate for love.  I needed to be needed.   My self-worth was ONLY boosted when I was able to see the positive difference I made in their lives.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a giver at heart.  I give freely without expectation. I love HARD and I generally give 110% in any relationship/friendship I'm in.  I 'm extremely compassionate and empathetic naturally. That's the HEALTHY part of my true character.  The unhealthy/codependent part comes into play when I allowed those relationships, people and their problems to consume me...when I crossed the boundaries and made it my responsibility to please them and care for them without their consent or request. Bottom line is I severely lacked self worth and self-esteem.  I didn't love myself enough to think that someone could actually love me for who I am.

So how am I recovering from being a co-dependent?  Therapy and life coaching have been SUPERB in getting me out of that self-destructive cycle.  I admitted that I had a problem and took ownership for the messes I made. I didn't want to face the ugly truth, so for years, I lived with beautiful lies. I'm thankful that the truth has finally set me free.  I had to rid myself of the codependent relationships in my life.  Some removed themselves from my life, others I had to detach from with love.  Today, I'm taking time to focus on ME. I accept myself for who I truly am, I'm finding happiness and peace within.  I'm learning to love myself just as I am.  It has taken A LOT of work, but I see an improved difference every day.  I am perfectly imperfect, lovable and deserve to be loved.  I'm no longer afraid of being myself.  There's SOMEBODY in the world that's willing to love the person I've been hiding. I've removed the mask that has kept me safe and in control, I see myself and now I'm being myself.   I'm becoming my OWN best friend; "you love, say, give and do your best for your best friend." -D.Furstenburg...and TODAY, my best friend is, ME!

Alive On Purpose!!!

I am so very proud to be a part of #TeamAOP!  "Alive On Purpose" is dedicated to bringing awareness to the world through suicide prevention and purpose discovery. Our enhanced self-development programs, powerful social media campaigns, and dynamic outreach programs enhance life in our communities and the very people we encounter daily. You will find the empowerment you need to live each day alive with full potential, passion and possibility. We at Alive on Purpose believe that when a person understands fully why they live (purpose) they will refuse to fall victim to life's circumstances.  With all of our efforts we aim to equip people everywhere to discover purpose, increase their potential, and live in today's society fully activated and engaged in their lives."  Please visit their website here to read more about how you can support this wonderful effort.---> Alive on Purpose

On November 1, 2012 they rolled out their newest social media campaign "I Refuse To Flatline" which featured my testimony about suicide.    "I Refuse To Flatline" isn't just MY story, but the stories of everyone who survived death, depression and hopelessness...it's a LIFESTYLE!!  If you aren't on their mailing list, chances are---you haven't read it.  I'll post it here for you all to read, but PLEASE support the ministry and efforts of Alive On Purpose!  Click Here to follow them on twitter Alive On Purpose!  Click here to like their Facebook Page Alive On Purpose!

I'm so thankful and humbled to have been offered an opportunity to share my testimony with hundreds of people across the world.  If my testimony touches just ONE, my suffering was not in vain!

Read How Markeeda Conquered Suicide

A personal crisis halted my being, flipped my world upside down and sent me barreling head first into a sea of depression. Suicide was the only way I thought I could escape the darkness. I was very close to falling victim to the circumstances of life. My attempts were thwarted because the giver of life didn't see fit for me to take my own; God being just who he is, stepped in and saved me from myself. As I surrendered all and started totally trusting HIM, I transitioned from merely existing to living again. I began to understand that no matter how dire my situation was, LIFE itself was still worth living. He REIGNS over all of my issues and my circumstances. I'm here as a LIVING witness that trouble really doesn't last always, and although that portion of my season was dark...brighter days were ahead of me. I thank God that he took the wretch that I was, and has once again---made something beautiful out of my life. Today, I live my life on and with purpose! I REFUSE TO FLATLINE because, that purpose is to be the vessel that God has called me to be; by inspiring, encouraging and uplifting others that they too may see a happier perspective of life.

Meet Markeeda Spencer #TeamAOP

Markeeda is 37 years old and currently resides in Fort Washington, MD with hopes and dreams of relocating to Chicago, IL soon. She has been working in the field of accounting for over a decade, after graduating Magna Cum Laude, she holds a BS in accounting and is currently studying to sit for the CPA Exam. Additionally, Markeeda is an active member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. She is an avid gospel music lover and liturgical dance is her passion---she loves the Lord with all her heart, and he loves her! Her favorite scripture is Psalms 46:10 "Be still and know that I AM GOD; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."