Emotional Bullies

Even before being diagnosed with BPD, a serious fear of abandonment has been apparent in my life. I honestly didn't know it was a "REAL" psychological issue.  As a result, I've often times stayed in relationships longer than I should have...gotten married when I shouldn't have...and clung dearly to the emotional bullies in my life.  Yep, with all the intelligence, common sense, and education that I posses, I continued to hang on to the emotional bullies, at all costs---including my sanity.  These bullies were co-workers, best friends, and YES---even my own family members.  They were people that I love (even now) with my whole heart, people that I think the world of and people that I would bet my entire life savings would never leave or abandon me.  The very people that knew my fear used it against me.  Emotional abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse, yet it's one of the least talked about. It's very subtle but anything that causes another person emotional pain is considered emotional bullying. Below are some signs I recognized of the emotional bullies in my life.

1.  Isolating- Attacking someones relationships that they have with other people is a way to isolate you, so that you are only available to the bully.  I had a friend that gave me "advice" and "counsel" that caused me to distance myself from family, friends and others that may be concerned about my well being.  There was a constant verbal trashing of my friends and family- as well as a control of the amount of interaction I had with them.  These actions made me solely dependent on my friend for EVERYTHING-including support, love and affection.  

2.  Emotional Black Mail- When they threaten to abandon you, to end the relationship.  This is a way of controlling me, because for sure this plays on my weaknesses and vulnerabilities.  Often times, people in my life would "punish" me for not behaving in the way that they wanted me to.  On an emotional level, they withheld the very needs they knew got me through each day.  Punishment is a definite form of manipulation.

3.  Withholding Affection-This is another form of emotional blackmail but it's deeper.  For me, it was the withholding of psychological and emotional nurturing.  I once had a family member who wouldn't speak to me for weeks at a time when I did something displeasing to them.  They deliberately withheld their daily communication, concern, support and love.  Which left me feeling rejected, abandoned and unworthy.

4.  Rejection-  They ignore you, give you the silent treatment, talk to others ABOUT you but won't talk to you, give you the cold shoulder and pushes you away.  Left feeling unwanted and unlovable, yet you still cling to and grateful for whatever little affection this person show you.

We've all heard the term "drama queen."  A drama queen is someone who turns something unimportant into a major deal---someone who responds irrationally and disproportionately to minor incidents... believe it or not, being a drama queen can be a form of emotional bullying.

The below is from Blogger News Network

Although they come in many forms, Drama Queens share some common traits.  They:

• Are hypersensitive, highly emotional and easily hurt.  They’re super-intense, angry, hostile and emotional. They over-react as if everything is a matter of life and death.
• They misunderstand, jump to conclusions and blow up and demand apologies.
• Are perfectionistic, nit-picking, control freaks.  They’re vindictive blamers. They take everything personally and remember forever.
• Take over every situation or group.  They act as if their drama is more important than anything else in the world.  Nothing and nobody else matters; not even getting results.
• Think that spewing of emotions reveals the “real” person.  They’re uncomfortable with people they see as expressionless.  To Drama Queens, loud emotions show strength; calm people are wimps.

Yes, I've had my fair share of drama queens in my life too.  They've misunderstood me, jumped to conclusions about me, and started rumors from THEIR misunderstanding. They are the most perfect people I know, with faults even they can't see.  The emotional turmoil that they experience is above anything else that anyone else experiences. They are authentic and possess traits of integrity, except for when they say things like "Ill never abandon you", "Your secrets are safe with me",  and "You're stuck with me forever"....just to disappear, abandon you and reveal your secrets to the world.  
 

Surprisingly, the most common advice I've received from both therapists and friends alike about how to deal with emotional bullies has been to "Just ignore them, they'll go away". Unfortunately, they won't.  They get satisfaction from bullying you even if you don't respond.  If you DO respond (which I regrettably did last week) they get an extra thrill from the evidence of their power over you.

I obviously don't have the answer on how to deal with emotional bullies, especially when it comes from people that you love dearly,  but I will say this.  I've radically accepted that they are happy being the way they are, with all the drama-queen behavior and their genuine self-inflicted pain.  We can't change ANYONE, we can only change ourselves.  So with that, I've learned to detach myself from those that emotionally bully me.  "Detachment is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement." Al-Anon Member

Accepting the Unexpected...The Power of Encouragement!

I shared a picture with my twitter family of a very unexpected bouquet of flowers that I'd recently received.  The flowers came on a day where both BPD and Depression were trying to take over.  Additionally, I'd had a long day with a difficult and annoying individual!!  For sure, I was looking for the Calgon to completely take me away.  To my surprise, when I arrived home there was the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that I'd ever seen before.  The card attached said "Hope these help to brighten up your day."  My eyes lit up before they filled with tears.  I was so overwhelmed and touched that someone thought enough of me, to even want to brighten my day.  Funny thing is....it worked.  My mood changed instantly.  For some reason, I couldn't fathom that someone could actually believe in me! or that I made a difference in the life of someone.  There we go with the BPD traits again, this time in particular the one involving identity.  People that live with BPD often present identity disturbances which includes an unstable self-image or sense of self.

Today, I received the most encouraging email from a person that I least expected.   I'm going to share the email in it's entirety...minus the name of the person that sent it.  You'd have to know the person to understand the "drinking" humor, but that's what it is.  The sincerity made me cry and the humor made me laugh.  Either way...the encouragement made my heart smile, lifted my spirits and brightened my day.

Hi,

 I am so sorry that you are going through some rough times right now. I know how hard things can be and how dreadful the future can seem. But once you hit bottom, there is only one direction to go, and that's up. Recognizing you have a problem is half the battle; concentrating on getting healthy is easier once you know what demons you are trying to conquer.

  You are blessed, my dear with lots of positive attributes. You are very strong, have lots of close friends and are one of the most determined people I know. I didn't say stubborn, did I? Believe it or not, once you are on the other side of this, you will be an even stronger person. Sure, life has its way of throwing lots of nasty things at us but as is said very often, the Big Guy (or Gal) upstairs never gives us more than we can handle. And you are handling this with the dignity and determination that defines you.

  Here's what I would suggest-

   Concentrate on the bright side-there is always a bright side.

   Find your way around this-when a door is closed in your face, look for the window

   Stay busy and keep your mind active. Allowing yourself to wallow in the darkness is not recommended.

   Remember that you are not alone. No one is spared from the shit we all have to deal with.

   Drink heavily

   And most important-keep perspective and smile a lot (the drinking will help that).

  You'll be fine & I'm not at all worried about you.

  Be happy.

 Your friend,

 Xoxoxoxo

After reading that email, I received a call from my GodFather who was unaware of what has been going on in my life.  You see, I wear that #BPD mask pretty well.  Most people only see what I portray.  I'm good at smiling on the outside while dying on the inside.  He insisted that God put me on his heart and in his spirit---and he wouldn't hang up before I shared what was wrong.  Before I knew it I broke down crying while trying to explain....all of the hurt and pain that I had been harboring poured out of me.  When I got done I was empty...and that emptiness provided space for him to pour/speak life into my lifeless spirit!!!  He assured me that he cared about me as well encouraged me immensely   Because of who he is, however, he was the LAST person I'd expected to receive a call from.

I can't forget my biggest twitter cheerleader @messyartoflvng.  No matter what she's going through in her own life...she takes the time to lift me up and encourage me DAILY!  It's so beneficial to have support and encouragement from others that can relate to what you're going through.  Sometimes, all it takes is a simple tweet to change someones day...and more times than not, those tweets that change my day come from her! I'm so grateful that our paths crossed, and again...encouragement and motivation coming in the least expected form.

Encouragement doesn't take any special talent!  Everyone can do it.  Encouragement brings hope, healing and comfort to those that are downtrodden and experiencing the rough roads of "life".  God has a way of sending the right people...at the right time.  He gives us everything we need!  Be open to receive what God has provided!  It may not come in the package or the person you expected it from.  All the encouragement and motivation that I've referenced has come in the least expected forms and from the people that I least expected it to come from.....I thank God that he placed me on their hearts.  He continues to work things out for my good! Their encouragement has given me HOPE and therefore I'll continue to accept the unexpected!!!

Strength & Courage: My First Inpatient Stay

Let's be honest with one another, if you ask most people what they think of when they hear mental institution,  I'm sure you'll get a variety of common responses such as; straight jackets, crazy killers, padded walls/rooms, white coats, crazies, raving lunatics, and the stereotypical list goes on and on.

About 11.4 million adult Americans suffered from mental illness in the past year, while 2 million teens experienced a major depressive episode in the past year. YES, 1 in 5 Americans suffer from Mental Illness, so it's more common than you probably think!   60% of those suffering actually get treatment each year, and some of these treatments take place in an inpatient setting in mental hospitals/institutions! Being admitted to a mental institution or hospital is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength and courage to seek the help needed to overcome one's issues.

September 8, 2012---(taken directly from my journal)

"I was literally, sitting on my bedroom floor, doing my normal Saturday morning cleaning. Out of NOWHERE, without warning, one tear fell, then another and another. Uncontrollable tears continued. My entire body was shaking.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't think.  I couldn't focus. I was unable to function. Was I having an anxiety attack?  Everything that I had been dealing with totally consumed me, overtook me...I was helpless. Lifeless. Almost like an out of body experience.  I had a mental breakdown."

Off to INOVA Fairfax Hospital I went.  They quickly announced that they had a "SI" (Suicidal Individual) that had arrived. They threw me into an ER room, sat someone at the edge of my bed to watch me.  A steady stream of nurses, psych liaisons, and doctors paraded in and out of my room.  Asking the same questions over & over...problem was, INOVA didn't accept my insurance for inpatient mental health care, so they were in search for somewhere else to send me.  After being at INOVA for 9 hours, it was off via ambulance to Dominion Hospital, this would be my home for the next 5 days.  The advice I received from my psych liaison , Cara, for my first inpatient stay was: "There will be people that make you feel like you don't belong there, there will be people there that you may think don't belong there, keep your focus on you, and concentrate on getting better."  This ended up being the best advice I could have received!

Upon arrival to Dominion (at 9PM) I did an intake interview, got searched, they took my cargo shorts (because of the strings) and all of my other personal belongings, handed me a hospital robe and I was led to my room. A stark white room, with two beds, two desks, two chairs and an in-suite bathroom.  No, not the coziest of places.  I cried myself to sleep that night, wondering how I ever ended up there, but also made a pact to myself to do everything I could to just "get better"...and  I did.

Starting the next morning, I didn't miss ONE therapy group that was offered.  I attended EVERYTHING, I was determined!  The mornings usually started with a community meeting.  This was a meeting where you shared your safety level, and a goal for the day as well as any emotions you were feeling.  After breakfast began the sessions that were usually an hour long.  Movement therapy, art therapy, music therapy, group sessions, individual sessions, dual diagnosis meetings, AA....I attended them ALL! It's safe to say, despite my temporary state of being I had an unusual determination to want to get better, and I made the most of stay at Dominion.

I think there are negatives and positives to everything in life.  My time at Dominion was no different.

• They checked my room every 15 minutes, even throughout the entire night.  Not the best place to get a good night's sleep...but there was a reason behind it needing to be done
• I was in a mental hospital.  There were psychotic people in there that needed help.  One in particular banged on the walls in the hallway at 2AM until he got coffee.  (again, no sleep)
• The food was the pits, being the picky eater that I am I lost 6 pounds in 5 days! 
• There were good psych techs, and there were psych techs there simply to collect a paycheck.  I think it takes special people, with great personalities & people skills to work in the mental health field.  Sadly, most I came in contact with, severely lacked those skills.
• You spend minimal time with the psychiatrist, who diagnoses you and places you on a medicine management plan after 5 or 10 minutes of conversation with you. How does that work??
• Towels the size of wash cloths.  I'm guessing they were eliminating anything that could be used to hang myself, but there were sheets on the bed, so I'm confused. 
• Visitation time was limited to ONE hour per day & two visitors per visitation.
• No cell phones, iPads, electronics etc.  While I HATED it (I'm a social media junkie), total disconnection was necessary to my recovery.

My friend Yvette bought me this gift during her visit.

Despite the negatives, I was still to able to come away with a great deal of information that was sure to help me once I was released.  Coping and breathing skills are essential skills to possess when dealing with and regulating  BPD.  Since emotion dysregulation is one of the main traits of BPD, building skills to manage these emotions when they arise is important.  I walked away from each session having acquired new relaxation exercises, mindful meditation practices, and self-help strategies that would help me for the rest of my life.

All in all, I am grateful for the services that were provided at Dominion.  I was in a dark place that I would have never been able to navigate my way out of....without help.  Upon admission, my safety level was a  ONE...which basically meant I was a danger to myself.  I felt as though the weight of the world had come crashing down upon me, and I didn't know how to cope. I was tired of trying, tired of crying. I didn't know how to dig myself out of the massive mess that life had created....that I'd created. Inside I was dying, so I wanted to end life totally---it seemed to be the easiest thing to do.  Easier than facing the challenges head on.  I've never been a quitter though, and no matter how life kept burying me alive, I continued to rise! Different people have different perspectives on how effective mental institutions are.  My first stay was definitely a life saving experience.   Varying results can be based on how much work you're able to put into getting to that "better place". I was determined to give it my all, and I did.  The hard work paid off, and in the end, despite the negatives---I walked away a stronger and wiser person.

Regrets & Regression...

So, last week...I started writing a blog on my first inpatient stay at Dominion Mental Hospital.  For sure, it triggered me. Before I could catch myself I had quickly slipped back into the dark place that I've fought so hard to get out of.  I was screaming at myself in my head...."NOOOOOO, you're going BACKWARDS!!!  WRONG WAY!!!!"  I felt ashamed that I had regressed after spending so much time, effort and energy on getting to a better place, and seeing life more clearly.  This clearer view of life is more easily accomplished when I'm in an inpatient setting, or even when enrolled in a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP), where I'm for the most part shielded from the triggers that send me tumbling.  Unfortunately, I can't spend the rest of my life in inpatient or in PHP.  I must somehow- at some point, properly adjust to life without the security of those programs.  How do I exert the same confidence and self-assurance that I had in inpatient & PHP when I'm thrust back into the real world, the world full of my triggers....the world where I spend more time regretting things that I can't change?

I woke up Wednesday morning in tears...full of regret.  Full of remorse.  Full of shame.  Full of sorrow.  Full of hurt.  How did I get here SO quickly after having weeks of progress?  I thought that I had radically accepted some of the things I can't change...but suddenly I began to doubt myself.  I suddenly realized that my "hope" for certain situations to be better in my life was diminishing.  Was this diminishing hope the reason for my regression?  I was confused.  I posed a question to my twitter #BPDFriends asking whether or not having "hope" prevents "acceptance."  My twitter friend @messyartoflvng always has the best responses...she responded, "As Long as you accept that hope does not change the fact that something is as it is."  In that moment I instantly felt relieved but regret continued to follow me throughout the day.

For most of my life, I've tried not to live with regrets.  Everything in life happens for a reason, and I try to learn the lessons from the seasons rather than regret.  Over the last few years, I've actually developed a few regrets, even though I've gained a tremendous amount of practical and life experiences from these seasons.  I had to come to the understanding that living with regret isn't a sign of weakness. There is nothing wrong with wishing I had never done something, it only reminds me that I have high expectations of myself, and that I can do better!!!

 “If we have goals and dreams and want to do our best. If we really love people and don’t want to hurt them, we should feel pain when things go wrong,” - Kathryn Schulz

 So how do I learn to transition from the security of inpatient/PHP...I must live one minute at a time.  One minute eventually leads to one day at a time.It sounds like a simple concept, but really in my life with BPD, I've found this challenging.  I've often times been so concerned about what's going to happen in the future, that I forget to take care of me in the here and now.  For sure, I've come SO far.  I've actually learned to not allow my moments of darkness to completely consume me and my day.  I deal with the dark moments as they come and I try with everything that's in me...NOT to allow those moments to turn into days.  I begin and end my day in prayer, and I don't pick the previous day's darkness up the next day.  I've surrounded myself with like-minded people that understand me & this disorder.  I keep all therapy and coaching appointments.  I take all medication as prescribed.  I attend on-line & in person Al-Anon meetings.  I am doing EVERYTHING I can....to get to a better place for ME.  My past mistakes don't define me, neither do my temporary moments of darkness. So with that, I'm encouraged to continue pressing on.....One minute at a time!

I Made It Through Another Day's Journey...

I started writing a blog last week about my first inpatient stay.  Needless to say, it triggered so many emotions, and before I knew it...I had pummeled into a dark place, yet again!

I reached out to my Mom, who has been a God sent on this portion of my journey and she put things in perspective with one little sentence.  "Markeeda, you're going to have these days---at least it isn't EVERY DAY."  She's right, three months ago....or even a month ago....I had these dark days EVERY DAY...so as I look at how far I've come, I realize that I may not be where I want to be, but I thank God I'm not where I was.

I re-tweeted a powerful tweet the other day that pretty much summed up my sentiments in my last blog post about being understood. "I want someone that understands how much they affect my moods/emotions & takes that into consideration."

Then it hit me...While I want to be understood by everyone, there ARE people in my life that DO understand  and support me.  While I want some of the people of my past to reassure me, new people are being brought into my life to help me through this phase. While I want to heal broken family relationships, I realize that I spent 18 years being groomed for this very time.  While life isn't ALL that I want it to be, I've made it through another day's journey....and miles ahead of where I was last month, cause I'm still HERE!  #Perspective

I just want to quickly encourage someone today...that can't see their way out of the darkness---that better days are coming.  It WILL get better, just hold on, as tight as you can, and DON'T LET GO!  Don't GIVE UP!!!  I promise you, trouble doesn't last always....it WILL get better!!!!

I had to take a few days to regroup after halfway finishing the blog about my first inpatient stay, but I'll finish it this week for sure!

I Just Want To Be Understood

I originally started this blog in a quest to be understood.  There were people in my life, that I unintentionally inflicted hurt and pain upon and I had a need and a want to be understood.  While I fundamentally understood their point of view, I didn't feel as though they were as open to understanding mine, which led to feelings of invalidation and rejection .  I'm not sure if this is the general consensus of all those that are living with BPD, but every day I think to myself..."what if" they just understood.  They being the non-borderline people in my life.  The people who I love, the people that I've hurt, my family, my friends..."what if" they understood me---understood this disorder, my life would be so much more manageable.

I read a blog from my twitter friend @Messyartoflvng that made me think of this even more.  In her blog, she said "I feel like I need help in a safe place with people that understand this mindset, these issues and the ridiculous things I do because of them."

I saw a tweet from Iyanla Vanzant yesterday, that said if you want Iyanla to fix your relationship....go fill out this form.  I of course, rushed to the link with expediency!  Of course I want Iyanla to fix ALL that I've recently lost...but then the shame consumed me.  The shame of having BPD, and the shame of having to share that with the world, in the unlikely event that I was even chosen.  I realized that maybe even Iyanla wouldn't understand me, and that temporarily deterred me from applying. My wise mind  (DBT still at work) showed up, and I actually did fill out the form.  NO MORE shame!!!

Sometimes, it saddens me that the only people that seem to understand me, are the other people that suffer from this disorder just as I do.  I want the non-borderline's in my life to UNDERSTAND!! Perhaps I'm the one that really doesn't understand...or perhaps I have an unrealistic expectation from people that claim to love me...

I'm trying to radically accept that everybody won't understand everything, but I'm going to be honest.  I haven't mastered that acceptance and I seriously struggle with this daily.  On an emotional level, being misunderstood causes me an enormous amount of frustration and pain.

I want them to understand, that even though I unintentionally hurt them, I hurt too.  My hurt is often times what they are feeling, intensified by 1000.  I DO feel shame and guilt as a result of my actions, and I feel it more intensely than most! Hypersensitivity, it's REAL.

I want them to understand , that although my false-self manifested it's way into the world via my relationships---what was real was my authentic self. (A.J. Mahari)  My love was authentic.  I'm slowly but surely finding my true self, and I'm giving it more credence than my false self....

I want them to understand, I am NOT my diagnosis.  People diagnosed with BPD, that seek professional help DO get better.  I'm doing my part, I just want you to support me.  Don't abandon me as I make every effort to beat this thing!

I want them to, separate the person from the disorder. Love me, but hate BPD.  If you took the time to educate yourself about the disorder you may understand better.  Understanding sometimes leads to compassion.  Compassion goes a long way!

I want them to understand, the absolutely absurd, unnecessary and ridiculous things that I did because of this disorder.  I've lied, and often times became the person I thought you wanted me to be in an attempt to gain your love and affection.  This doesn't mean I haven't changed.  The more I love myself, the more I learn that it's OK to unashamedly be my flawed self.

I want them to understand, that I've suffered from a lack of self-worth, self-love, and self-esteem for pretty much all of my life.  These issues won't be corrected overnight, but I'm committed and dedicated to long term help!  I don't want you to save me, I simply want you to stand by as I save myself.  If you're absent, how will you know the positive changes that I'm making in my life?

I want them to understand, that the silent treatment is a brutal form of emotional abuse.  Being ignored is honestly the worst feeling ever.  Your ignoring me is a form of punishment for having a mental illness that I'm working hard to control.

I want them to understand, that lying helped me to avoid the pain.  Therapy has helped me face the pain.  DBT has helped in dealing with my emotions surrounding the pain.

I want them to understand, that I wanted/needed to connect with a reality that was better than mine...good or bad.  Now I'm facing my reality, and I realize that my life, purpose and future are worth fighting for.

I want them to understand, that I'm not a bad person, I'm not a monster, I'm not crazy. I have Borderline. I'm a human being, with real feelings.  I'm discovering who I REALLY am, and although it's taken 37 years for it to happen, better late than never.

I just want more than anything to be understood.....

"Back From The Edge"

"Back from the Edge" is a documentary on BPD done by the New York Presbyterian Hospital.

It's pretty lengthy (48 min long), and I'm sure only people REALLY interested in learning more about BPD and about those of us that live with it will actually watch it in it's entirety.  For those not interested in watching, I outlined a few points below, especially those relative to MY life living with BPD.  Enjoy!

"People with BPD experience emotions more intensely than others."

"People with BPD tend to be very dependent and clingy."

"You can't have interpersonal relationships if you're not emotionally stable."

"People thought I had everything together...they thought everything was perfect because that's how I appeared to the world"

"Felt like a Chameleon-there is a sense of not knowing who you are. I was being who other people wanted me to or expected me to be."

" I was becoming someone else so people would like me...therefore being a part of something.  I didn't know how to be."

"People with BPD often times conform to what they think other people want from them."

"People with BPD need other people to regulate them.  The relationships that they form often times breathe life into them"

"Absences or separations from the relationships that they form are catastrophic in their significance...like they don't exist themselves."

"People with Bordeline don't know they are being manipulative."

"Manipulation assumes a person has the skills to think and then execute a plan.  Manipulation in that sense can't be applied to people with BPD."

"I had physical aggression, NOT against anyone."

"As I began to feel more and more worthless as a person, I began to feel people would be better off without me."

"People with the disorder find great relief from being diagnosed."

"BPD is an imminently treatable disorder.  Patients can be helped...have a good chance to get better."

"BPD is a disorder of relations.  Recovery involves getting back into communities and having relationships, tolerating the stress and building a life for yourself again."

"People with this disorder get better!!!!"

For loved ones of someone living with BPD..."Participate in therapy.  Get to know what's going on and what to expect"

"Recovery is not a sprint, but a long distance race."

"...The will and desire to confront what's going on with yourself.  If you confront it, things will be so much better.  It takes faith and trust in the people around you to admit having something so stigmatized and then put yourself in their hands and say please help."

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day!

I encourage everyone to educate themselves about mental health issues that affect millions of people all over the world.  This year's theme is "Depression: A Global Crisis."

This theme is very dear and close to my heart.  Depression affects more than 350 million people worldwide that spans across all ages, races, genders, tax brackets, and it is evident in all of our communities.

Depression can lead one down a very dark road, that is extremely difficult to navigate out of, without proper support and help.  I myself have suffered through bouts of severe depression, and know first hand how debilitating the illness is and how it can negatively affect every aspect of your life, and how it can sometimes lead to suicide or suicide attempts.  I've been there. It's REAL...and not something that the person suffering with can just "snap out of."  While we have all experienced episodes of feeling sad or blue, everyone hasn't experienced clinical depression.

During my latest battle with depression, I lost 30+ pounds in a matter of months.  I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I was irritable and agitated, hopeless, making bad decisions....all I could feel was the overwhelming and intense sadness & emptiness that was constantly accompanied by crying and eventually led to a suicide attempt.  Not a day's worth of tears, but this went on DAILY for more than a month.  I got all of the normal insensitive comments from lots of people...things like: snap out of it...refocus...you took your eye off of God, etc.  These people simply weren't educated on the fact that depression is a REAL issue, and snapping out of it, is not remotely reality.

Even in the world of celebrities.  This year alone, our world has been rocked by the suicide deaths of British film director Tony Scott, former NFL player Junior Seau, and current NFL Player O.J Murdock.  These celebrities lived lives that "normal" people would die to live.  Yet they were themselves dying inside....suffering from depression that the "normal" people simply don't get.

So today, I urge you to familiarize yourself with the symptoms of depression!  If you or a loved one experience 5 or more of these symptoms, reach out for help!  Help is often times, just a phone call away.  For me, help came in the form of an emergency room visit...if you don't have insurance, I urge you to take that route.  They won't turn you away!!!

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

It's difficult to watch someone you love battle depression.  If you do have a loved one that's suffering from, or struggling with depression, I'd like to offer these three little things you can do that may help.

1.  Ask questions:  People with depression often times feel lonely and isolated.  Once they feel you are concerned or are aware of what they are dealing with, sometimes they are more open  or apt to speak about their feelings.

2. Listen:  More than likely, a person that's depressed will tell you things that will probably scare you. (IE: speak of suicide or self harm)  Be supportive, non-judgmental, and really LISTEN to what they are saying.  They more than likely really want to be heard, and aren't necessarily speaking to you for advice.  Validate their feelings and let them know they aren't alone.

3. Encourage them to seek professional help:  The depressed person has to want to help him or herself!!!  Gently encourage them to seek professional help.  You may assist with finding therapists, doctors, etc...but they should be they ones making the actual calls.

Life Goes On...

I neglected to say in my last two posts, that I never in a million years would have thought that "I" would be suffering from a mental illness.  People generally look at me as accomplished, well off, successful, and skilled in my profession.  No matter the accolades I received, I still felt like a failure, inadequate, insecure and never quite good enough; but that goes right back to the signs of BPD---an unstable self image or sense of self.

I DID NOT know I that had BPD when I've built any of the friendships I have had over my lifetime, or when I cultivated the relationships throughout my life, or even with the rise and demise of my marriage, I was CLUELESS.  Had I known, I would have certainly revealed that information...as a precaution to ANYONE that attempted to form any type of relationship with me.  This is no different than if I had an infectious disease that could possibly put someone else at risk, I'd reveal.  But I didn't know, and I didn't intentionally build a friendship to hurt or betray.  In FACT, in this particular instance (with my friend), I actually set out to do what God urged me to do, and that was sow into her life finacially.  Had I stuck with doing ONLY what he said do, I would have probably saved everyone, including myself a lot of pain. 

What I did know.... I knew that I didn't befriend people often, but when I did...the connections would be extremely intense.  I knew that my inner circle was more like a dot, than an actual circle, outside of the childhood friends I made, there weren't others...but I chalked that up to my being extremely shy, introverted, quiet and private.  This no doubt came from how I was raised.  What I saw going on in my household, was NOT to be repeated....and I didn't.  I in turn grew up to be watchful but quiet. 

It troubled me ALOT that my friend felt as though I came into her life to intentionally hurt and betray her....with a mental illness that I didn't even KNOW existed at the time.  I've since had to radically accept (DBT at work) that I can't change what people think or feel about me.

So....Life after diagnosis.

I must say that I've spent an enormous amount of time and money working on getting to a better place after my diagnosis.  My BPD diagnosis was coupled with a severe depression diagnosis, thus resulting in a few inpatient stays, as well as PHP.  My first night in inpatient, as I cried myself to sleep, I told myself that I was greater than my struggles...and I was going to fight my way back to ME.  I've put in the work, and though the road is extremely long, and I have ages before full recovery...I have HOPE that one day I'll get there. 

I can't do it alone though, and I learned from one of my in-patient stays that when you have no friend/family support, you have to rely on your formal support system...and I have a FORMAL support system that helps me every step of the way.  You're not supposed to keep a good thing to yourself, so today...I'll share where MY help comes from:






1.  GOD

2.  My Psychatrist- Dr. Jamuna Raju, Arlington VA

3.  My Psychologist- Dr. Rose Merchant, Clinton MD

4.  My Life Coach (just added)- Tiffany Taylor, @TiffanyLael

5. Outpatient DBT Team at The Retreat at Sheppard Pratt, Baltimore MD

6. The BEST DAILY BPD help ever from Debbie Corso, @healingfrombpd

Currently I'm on 40 MG of Celexa, 25MG of Doxepin, 600 MG of Trileptal daily and 25 MG of Sonata daily---and Ativan as needed for Anxiety. I meet with my psychiatrist monthly to assess the effectiveness of my meds.  I attend weekly sessions of psychotherapy with my psychologist. Weekly DBT sessions, both individual and group. I have monthly sessions with my life coach. I get DAILY doses of inspiration, encouragement and tips for living with BPD from Debbie via twitter and facebook.






Well, that's all for now #BPDFriends...please know, that you're NEVER ALONE!  We're in this thing together!

Understanding BPD....

So...two months after my initial diagnosis, my friend began dating someone very close to me.  As they began courting and dating a lot of information was revealed about me that completely shocked her.  I was NOT the person that she thought I was.  There were inconsistencies (let's call a spade a spade, they were lies) and major exaggerations about my life that she couldn't even begin to understand.  Who was this person that she thought she knew?  Most people with BPD wear masks...we become who we think you want us to be, and we hide our true selves out of fear of rejection.  I can honestly say this really WAS me.  The professional world calls us manipulative, liars, and narcissists....but sometimes, we really don't even know our reality from the lies.  None of what I did or said was done intentionally to hurt or betray her, in fact, they were totally unconscious acts, but I fell into the BPD cycle, and began to continue living this lie out of the fear that if she knew who I REALLY was, she would abandon me, and I was correct.  Abandonment Sensitivity is just one of the  apparent signs of a person living with BPD.  Often times, when we perceive we are being abandoned, we behave in desperate frantic ways in an attempt to avoid the abandonment.  For sure, with her....I did.  I begged her not to leave me or give up on me.

She was furious to know that I had indeed lied to her about portions of my life.  NOT my upbringing, NOT what I've suffered through most of my life....but about superficial things that were irrelevant to even lie about.  She lives a life that's based on truth and authenticity, and I invaded her life and her space with immorality and lies.

Understandably so, she was too angry to ever really listen to what I attempted to explain.  There was always anger and consternation in her voice when I tried to call.  She placed a lot of blame, which I deserved...but she was blinded by her anger, and I never got an opportunity to explain or reveal.   Not that she would have believed me at that point anyway, I'd spent almost two years living a semi-lie.  I tried desperately to get her to speak with my psychiatrist, so that someone other than ME could tell her about the hell that I had been living, but to no avail.  It was too late.  I had betrayed beyond repair, and I was left feeling hopeless and empty.  Left to struggle with overcoming not only BPD, but also surviving the severe depression that resulted from losing both her (as well as the person she had begun to date.). Finally my worst fears were realized. My life was shattered in a million pieces, and I couldn't even BEGIN to see how I was to go on.

Even as I entered the recovery process for depression....and healing from BPD, I realized I still had a LONG way to go!  Often times, people with BPD abandon people, before they abandon them.  This was no different for me.  In one of my emotional impulses, I deleted her (and all her friends) from my  Facebook account, and Instagram.  There was no purpose in it, other than to shut her out of my life, before she could shut me out of hers.  People with BPD are so emotional sometimes, we get impulsive...and do anything to relieve the pain.  What often feels like something "small" to the normal person is often magnified and intensified to us...intense emotions such as fear, hurt, anxiety, anger, sadness, and shame can last for hours or days.

People who suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder often have histories of intense relationships that begin and end very suddenly....LORD, am I a witness to THIS!

I say all this to say...it's so important for the non-borderline people in our lives to get educated about this mental illness, because sometimes....education leads to understanding, and understanding sometimes leads to compassion. I truly wish all the victims that have come into contact with someone that is living with BPD would seek to be educated as well....not as a means of reconciliation and restoration per say, but as that final piece to the puzzle of healing.  Sometimes, if you really understood WHY people do the things that they do.....it helps in the healing process.  I'm EXTREMELY sorry, for the lives I've ruined because of this..to the people I've hurt, betrayed and let down.  I can repair some of those relationships, but the ones I can't, I accept my role in why it can't be repaired.  I plan to do open letters to the people in my life that I've hurt, but I need more internet time than I'm currently afforded to get that done.

I'm not suggesting that I deserve a "get out of jail free" card, because ultimately....no matter what disorder I have, there are always choices to be made, and I made HORRIBLE ones.  My diagnosis and discovery doesn't absolve me of  ANY of my indiscretions.  There are consequences to EVERY choice we make, and I'm learning to live with the consequences of my actions.  BUT, I just want to be understood...and not mislabeled as a horrible person, as a monster, as a nightmare.....because although I made horrible decisions that negatively affected the life of another, those labels about me simply aren't true, or fair.  The biggest misconception and label that has been placed on me is that I was a physical threat to my friend.  A physical threat to myself, YES.  Bringing harm, or a physical threat to her or others, NEVER.   It saddens me that people sometimes tend to invalidate my pain, and claim that my mental illness isn't real.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...but try it for a day, or even an hour. You'll see it's very real.

What I am, is a strong person...that's battling to understand who I am.  Every day is a struggle, but I am determined more than ever to regain my life!  I understand that I have self-identity issues, self-esteem issues, self-worth issues, and self-love issues.  These issues are from deeply rooted childhood problems.  But, as I think, I'm proud of myself for going through what "normal" people couldn't even handle.  I'm proud of how strong I am, and how much ability I have to cope with emotional pain.  I am...a strong, amazing, beautiful soul.......that's well on my way to a long road that ends with full recovery.

My next blog will outline my current treatment regimine, my formal support team, and where I am on this journey.

Lastly...I'll leave you with this video, that explains a little how I'm feeling today!  To all my #BPDBuddies, you are NOT Alone!!!!!

Boderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

My BPD Story....

This past July, I encountered a situation where I did something TOTALLY out of character.  A friend of mine began dating a guy.  Prior to this, my friend and I were pretty much inseparable.  We spoke on the phone several times a day, messaged one another incessantly, visited often and texting was pretty much an every day event too.  As she began to date, I felt her pull away from me....and I literally lost my mind.  I made EVERY attempt at making SURE she didn't "leave me".  You may be reading this, and thinking like most---that I was crazy, but THIS is the life INSIDE of someone living with BPD. You see, people living with BPD often make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.  Whether it was real or imagined, I felt as though she wasn't paying attention to me  anymore.  She wasn't calling as often, not texting much, and my frequent visits were now in question because there was someone ELSE in here life that also needed to visit.  I was consumed with fear and anger, yet again another symptom of living with BPD, inappropriate, intense anger...and I did some things to hurt her, before she could hurt me.  I packed every single item that I had stored at her home, and I took it with me.  You see, people with BPD live in black or white....there is no grey in our worlds.  Either she was gonna be my friend...or she wasn't---there was NO in between, in MY mind....she couldn't be my friend AND have a happy life of her own. 

So I left- heartbroken that she hadn't chosen ME over her own happiness, and she was left wondering WTF was going on in my "crazy ass" head. What neither of us realized at the time, was that I was suffering from BPD...and all of the BPD "catch phrases" were evident in that situation.  I repeatedly asked her not to leave me, not to give up on me, I panicked and ran outside after her barefoot when all she wanted to do was take a walk to clear her head.....in MY mind, she was leaving me. People with BPD tend to do ANYTHING, just so you won't leave them.

She was noticeably more distant after that incident, and I once again panicked.  I immediately recognized an increase in impulsive behavior on my part, but emotionally, I shut down. I kept it all in. I fell into a depression. I didn't eat. Panic attacks were increasing. I fainted from dehydration. Hospital visits were frequent...this was NO way to live. I immediately began to seek answers as to WHY I was behaving so erratically.  I had been seeing a therapist for some time, regarding childhood stuff that I've been trying to overcome in my adult life...but this situation was SERIOUS.  I didn't even know who I was...and I didn't like it.

I was met with opposition.  It seemed as if NO psychiatrist in the entire Washington DC area were accepting new clients...the BEST psychiatrists had waiting lists and weren't scheduling appointments until 3 months away.  But God dropped a gem into my lap...and she opened up a whole new world for me as I was properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  This probably should have been the point at which I shared my diagnosis with my friend.  I was too ashamed.  The stigma behind people with mental illnesses are vast, and I didn't want to be offically labelled as "crazy"...she had in fact called me that several times, and I didn't want her to think that she was right.  So I hid my diagnosis, and suffered in silence, hoping that I could get meds and therapy, and make it all better (or make it go away) before she caught on.  Truth is, there is no cure for BPD...no magic pill...and it's something I'm stuck with for the rest of my life.  Many people actually go on to live healthy lives with proper medication management and therapy.  I personally do psychotherapy in addition to DBT (individual & group) and just added a life coach!

At some point, I'll reveal my ENTIRE formal support team...all my doctors, hospital inpatient care facilities, etc....but today is about BPD education.

What is BPD??  I'm glad you asked!! (info from Mayo Clinic)

Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.
Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:

• Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, promiscuity , gambling sprees, compulsive spending or illegal drug use
• Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
• Wide mood swings
• Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
• Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
• Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
• Suicidal behavior
• Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
• Fear of being alone
• Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing

When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. Your self-image, self-identity or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes you may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals and values.
Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty accepting gray areas — things seem to be either black or white.

In my next blog, I'll fast forward to what happened two months AFTER my diagnosis...how I hit rock bottom, how my worst fears were realized,  how I lost just about everything that mattered to me...and how I hated BPD for ruining my life---THIS made me fight even harder to beat this thing, and take control back over my life!

Lastly, I'll leave you with this video that I feel NAILS what it feels like living with BPD.  I couldn't have made a better video....it explains EVERYTHING I've felt over the past few years of my life.  If you're living with BPD....you are NOT alone!