Cure Ignorance!

So...here I was on vacation, enjoying the sun...the water...the relaxation...the rejuvenation, and #BOOM just like a bad nightmare, I was quickly thrust back into reality once I turned to CNN and heard of the vicious and brutal massacre that had occurred in NewTown, Connecticut.  Initially I was glued to the television---I was extremely saddened and I couldn't properly regulate my emotions!!After stepping away for a while I began watching again---until I realized I was becoming increasingly more angry at the news media.  Before they could even get the shooter's name correct (initially they named his Brother as the suspect), they had ALREADY diagnosed him with being mentally ill!  Then came additional speculations...he had a personality disorder-he suffered from Autism-he possibly had Asperger's. The more I watched...the angrier I got.  It seems as though every time tragedy strikes or violence is prevalent the perpetrator is ALWAYS labelled as mentally ill.  Fact of the matter is...research has repeatedly shown that the vast majority of people with mental illness are not violent...and the vast majority of people who are violent DO NOT suffer from mental illness. Stat of the year: People with mental illness only account for 4% of violence in America (New York Times).  So where's the disconnect??  Why is mental illness constantly demonized by those in the news media that continue to use their platform to spew ignorance?

This blog isn't intended to fight the stigma and shame surrounding mental illness...I've already blogged about that, and you can read it here ---->  Fighting Stigma and Shame! I'm actually writing this blog to BLAST ignorance...plain & simple.

It's ignorance like THIS...

I'd ban ALL guns for convicted criminals and ANYONE with ANY mental health history whatsoever.
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) December 14, 2012

If any member of a house hold has mental illness, that house hold can't own a gun! #easy
— Lee Miller (@mr_leemiller) December 18, 2012

Those defending violent video games miss my point: a mentally ill person, with easy access to guns, can have bloodlust fuelled by the games.
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) December 16, 2012

The solution to gun (all?)violence is to keep criminals & the mentally ill away from law-abiding citizens!
— An American Patriot (@Onelifetogive) December 18, 2012
 

Piers Morgan has 3 million followers and he chose to tweet ignorance? Seriously?

No really...do these people actually believe this stuff??  I have a mental illness (I don't suffer from it, I'm learning to thrive with it!!) and I am NOT violent.  I've legally own a gun.  More than one actually, and I'm able use them very well; I shoot better accuracy percentages than most of my police friends. BUT even at my lowest point in life (when I was not yet prescribed medication) it never even crossed my mind to use it on MYSELF, let alone others.  I'm a big kid at heart, so I have all the gaming systems---YES, I play "Call of Duty" regularly.  It's a shooting game.  I've played online against people, I've beat their socks off (they thought they had an automatic win playing against a woman)...but at the end of the day, I put my controller down, turn my system off---without even a mere thought of "bloodlust."  Maybe I'm a special breed---and somehow different from the rest of the people that I know that live with a mental illness, but I'm NOT.  I'm the standard...what the MEDIA portrays is NOT.  We're NOT all the same.   We're NOT all violent.  We're NOT all subhuman.  Believe it or not, EVIL people actually exist in the world. Evil does not = mentally ill!!! "Evil is about choice!  Sickness (Mental Illness) is about the absence of choice."  (Lindsay Fitzharris)

The ignorance of the news media fuels the stigma and shame of having a mental illness.  I'm NO LONGER ashamed.  Stigma and shame kept me from seeking help for years!  A personal crisis forced me to get the help I needed.  I'm no longer running away from or ignoring my problems, I'm facing them head on.  That's not the only thing I'm facing head on!! I'm also facing those that use their platform to spread lies and ignorance instead of educating themselves and the world!!  YES...a detailed and educational email response went out to Piers Morgan regarding his insensitive and ignorant tweet, NO...I didn't get a response, but I faced it head on!  Knowledge is the Cure for ignorance!! 

Beating the odds...Time for vacation!

You all know, these last six months have easily been the WORST six months of my entire life!!!  I've never experienced anything like the nightmare I've survived.  I lost MYSELF, betrayed my heart, and told lies to avoid losing the love of someone who didn't really love me like I thought they did.  I lost my dignity.  I lost friends and family.  I lost my MIND when a mental health crisis crashed my world!  TW:  Attempted suicide.  Battled an eating disorder. (End TW) Was diagnosed with depression and BPD.....ALL within six months.  I'm STILL here though...beating ALL odds that were set against me!

Recovery is HARD, but it's possible.  I've been putting in MAJOR work!!  Therapy session after therapy session.  DBT session after DBT session.  Al-anon meeting after Al-anon meeting.  Calls and meetings with my sponsor even when I didn't feel like it.  Keeping my appointments with my nutritionist and sticking to a plan EVEN when eating was the LAST thing on my mind.  Life Coaching sessions even when my LIFE felt hopeless.  Taking and tweaking medicine regimens even when the meds were making me sick.  Not to mention more inpatient stays than I ever care to remember...all in the name of trying to be the BEST ME I can be.

Have I stumbled?  Yes.  Have I sometimes regressed?  Yes.  Have I allowed people and things to make me spiral backwards?  Yep.  I'm STILL human.  I have feelings. I experience intense emotions.  YET. STILL. I. RISE.   Each time I bounce back quicker than the time before.  I have BPD, but BPD doesn't have ME!!!

Today, I'm leaving for a tropical vacation!!!!  After the whirlwind of the last six months, I DESERVE a vacation!!  Not a vacation from recovery, because I've learned to NEVER take a day off from making life better for myself.  I'm simply changing scenery.  This week I'll spend time working on "me" from a beach!  I have my reading material packed...and I'll read from the pool.  Guided Meditation downloaded....I'll find a quiet spot on the beach in the early or late morning hours.  I've scheduled to attend electronic Al-Anon sessions while I'm gone, and YES...my sponsor will be checking to make sure!  Meds are packed.  I'm ready!  I may not blog again this week, but I'll be sure to share some wonderful photo's with you when I return.

Nietzsche said..."That which does not kill us makes us stronger".  One of my twitter followers took it a step further and said that wound that you experienced wasn't a death sentence, but a LIFE sentence.  Embrace the healing and start living!!! So with that, I affirm today that I am ALREADY healed, happy, loving, wealthy, successful, confident, physically and emotionally well!!

Fighting Stigma and Shame!!

Last week I was bamboozled by a family member that was spreading incorrect and inaccurate information about my mental health journey.  This saddened me but it let me know that myths and stereotypes are constantly being perpetuated by lots of people; sometimes including family and the people closest to those of us that live with mental illness.  I must admit, I was utterly confused on how they were presenting details about me, my mental health journey, the disorder(s) I've been diagnosed with and how I live with them every day.  How can you speak of something that you clearly have no knowledge of? Their ignorance caused me major pain and suffering. An old friend of mine described my mental health journey as a "LifeTime Movie"...this came from an activist that daily fights the stigma & shame surrounding her health issues.  Apparently, she was unaware that her depiction was completely judgmental, stereotypical, critical and completely lacked the compassion that she too fights for regarding her OWN illness.  I understand though, that people fear what they don't understand.  I've decided not to suffer in silence, and to make sure those that actually love and care for me are well informed and educated about not just MY disorder, but mental illness as a whole.

Often times, we actually believe what is portrayed in movies and on television as reality.  Fact of the matter is, movies and television are entertainment, not education (unless of course you're watching Animal Planet,The History Channel, Discovery, etc.)  There are hundreds of movies and sit-coms that negatively and inaccurately depict mental illness and this fuels the stigma and shame associated with it.  Additionally, the news media tends to focus on the mental illness aspect when anything violent or tragic happens.  In 2012 alone, the media dug into the mental health history of Congresswoman Gifford's shooter (Jared Lee Loughner), the Colorado movie theater shooter (James Holmes), and the Sikh Temple shooter (Wade Michael Page.)  Fortunately, these acts of violence are not typical of ALL people that suffer from mental illness yet the media portrayal as something dark and dangerous further adds to the stigma and shame.

How you represent yourself and your disorder has a huge effect on fighting stigma. I personally have BPD, but I choose not to allow BPD to control my life. I live...in spite of my diagnosis, and as the title of my blog states, I'm MORE than my diagnosis. 
We all have the power to fight stigma.  I personally believe that fight starts with education...and identifying the myths and misinformation about mental illness will help to dispel such nonsense.


MY Biggest Mental Health Myths/Stigmas:

• Mental Illness is rare/uncommon:  One in five Americans will be diagnosed with a mental disorder in their lifetime.  This makes mental illnesses more common than cancer, diabetes or HIV/AIDS.
• People with mental illnesses are "CRAZY":  Crazy is a meaningless term.  People with mental illnesses are sick, not crazy.
• People with mental illness are more likely to commit violent crimes:  Mentally ill people are more likely to be the victims of crime than the perpetrators of it.  Most crime are committed out of passion or greed.  Both are very sane things, but not morally correct.  Immoral and insane are very different.  Via @StigmaSmash 
• Mental Illness is usually a choice of bad lifestyle choices:  Mental illness is NOT a result of character flaws or weakness.  Mental Illnesses are health conditions (sometimes brain) that are products of social, psychological, genetic and biological factors.  
• People with mental illness are dangerous/ violent:  People with mental health conditions are no more violent than anyone else!  Those suffering from mental illness are often more frightened, confused and despairing than violent.  Unless drugs or alcohol are involved, people with mental disorders do not pose more of a threat to the community than anyone else.
• People with mental illness never recover:  People with mental illnesses CAN and DO recover.  With treatment, medicine, therapy, support or a combination of all---people with mental illnesses can lead fulfilling and productive lives and contribute positively to society.

Everyone is affected by mental illness.  If your friend, family member or loved one lives with mental illness there are a few things you can do....to ease the shame associated with the illness.  Treat people with mental illnesses as people and not as an illness!  Treat them with respect and dignity as you would anyone else.  Don't label people with terms as "crazy" "wacko" or "CooCoo".  Lastly, learn the facts about mental health and share them with others!

"Mental Illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all." -Bill Clinton

Experience Is The Best Teacher!

I must be honest...I completely struggled through Thanksgiving Day, but I MADE IT!  I'm still here!  One of my family members was in town visiting for the holiday, and I decided to pay a visit since it had  been some time since I'd seen them.  I was actually kind of excited about just getting a chance to see them and hugging their neck~~ genuine hugs can sometimes make all your problems seem to disappear!  I was indeed a little anxious, family relations over the past few months have been strained to say the least, but nevertheless, I headed out, eagerly anticipating the show of love and brief fellowship that was about to commence. I arrived with a small token, and a smile on my face!  It made my heart smile that my family members were just as happy to see me as I was to see them.  I seemingly had been anxious for NOTHING. But, In the midst of our laughing and joking...the conversation took a QUICK turn to something more serious.  Mental Health.

I was informed that another family member (one that I loved dearly) had been telling everyone that I was bi-polar, that I had 10 personalities, that I was "crazy", and that I'd taken to Facebook to speak ill of them publicly.  YES, tears instantly welled up in my eyes...my heart and spirit were INSTANTLY pierced.  How could the ONE person I'd thought the world of: trash my name...throw me under the bus...spread lies...spew ignorance???  The people that I speak to the least seem to ALWAYS be those that have the MOST to say about me.  This family member was invited to attend family counseling with me, invited to visit me during my inpatient stay to speak with my mental health team (Psychiatrist and Psychologist) and they didn't show up. Yet, they were very verbal about what they THOUGHT they knew about my mental health history.  Fact is, I was initially MISDIAGNOSED with Bipolar Disorder. MANY other people (40%) that have BPD have also been inaccurately diagnosed with Bipolar initially. You can read the NIH study here if you are so inclined. BPD Misdiagnosed as Bipolar.  

Lies aside (which they ARE).  SUPPOSE I did have Bipolar.  Suppose I was crazy.  Suppose I did have 10 personalities.  Does that make me unworthy of love and  respect?  I'm STILL a part of your FAMILY. You don't discard people you claimed to love just 2 weeks ago.  Where I come from, family is supposed to love unconditionally.  They cover and correct with LOVE. They restore.  They don't condemn.  They don't judge. They don't tear down. They don't abandon you. They don't kick you while you're down.  They don't invalidate.  They stick with you through the tough times.  They support.  They encourage. They educate themselves so that they don't add to the SHAME and STIGMA associated with mental illness.  I'd always heard that family could hurt you the worst, but I'd never personally experienced that...until now.  

Through this experience, I've learned that...

• Indeed, those you love the most, can hurt you the worst---and family is NOT exempt. 
• My family members are souls on a journey struggling through their life lessons just as I am. (Iyanla)
• Blood is thicker than water is true in science, not life.
• Sometimes, even family are waiting for you to fall, instead of helping you out.
• People often speak about what they don't know.  Knowledge really is power. Lack of is ignorance.
• People are quick to share your flaws, but don't acknowledge their own.
• Just because I'm able to OWN my faults, issues & mistakes...everyone isn't capable of doing the same.
• Hurting people really do hurt people.
• The WHOLE story is always better than a partial story, and it's only fair for all.

I'm glad with each life experience I am able to learn lessons.  From now on, I'm making it a personal goal to not allow ANYONE'S ignorance, hate, drama or negativity stop me from being the BEST person I can be!!!!

I'm Thankful...

I don't want to be a holiday pooper....although, I'm REALLY NOT feeling this holiday season.  I've learned though, that no matter HOW bad things are in life---there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. So here we go.

I'm thankful for...

1.  A will to live.  It may sound simple, but just a few months ago, I didn't have a will to live.  I didn't want to live.  I didn't feel as I had anything to live for.  I attempted suicide and I'm thankful that my attempt was a failed attempt.

2.  Second Chances.  My rock bottom became the foundation upon which I'm rebuilding my life.  A clean slate is what I needed.  My past is my past...I don't live there anymore.  Anyone unable or unwilling to let go of it as I have, unfortunately has to be left there by themselves.

3.  Progress.  I'm not where I want to be, but I thank God I'm not where I used to be.  Recovery is hard work, and I've been putting in MAJOR work...even when it's only baby steps at a time.  Just yesterday, I began making amends to those I've hurt.  While it was emotionally draining, it was also mentally fulfilling.  So many weights were lifted with only 4 out of 37 people contacted.

4. The ending of 2012.  I can emphatically say, this has been the WORST year of my life.  Anyone that knows me knows what I've lost;  My mind, some family, some friends, my dignity.  2013 is the year of restoration and I'm rolling into it FULL SPEED AHEAD!

5.  My Dog Skittles. Until recently, we haven't spent very much time alone together.  We're forced to be alone together now...and he has learned me, my moods.  When I'm my saddest, he hangs close and lavishes me with cuddles.  Can't ask for anything better than someone that loves me unconditionally, no matter what we've been through...even if it comes in the form of my dog!

6. My BPD twitter family.  Living with a mental illness is NOT easy.  YES, we can live "normal lives"(whatever that is).  Having a community of people that suffer from the same disorder that I do, that lifts me up and are able to relate to 99% of the emotions and issues that I go through is AWESOME. Having people that understand me and can relate to me has been my saving grace over the last few months.  God knows what we need....when we need it.

7. Lastly...I'm thankful that God IS.

Enjoy your day!  From Skittles & I..Happy Thanksgiving to you & yours.

Holiday Blues...

I guess there could be any number of reasons that I've been overly emotional for the past few weeks.   Maybe it's because I finally realize how broken I really am.  How much my heart aches, how much pain and hurt is present in my heart...and how far I'm away from healing. Total Brokenness.
Maybe it's because my past and the people in it are constantly being brought to my attention. 
Maybe it's because I experience periods of loneliness. People have removed themselves and I've completely detached (with love) from the codependent relationships in my life.  That makes four fewer people in my life than this time last year, and for the most part---these people constituted my entire support system.
Maybe it's the strained relationships that I have with multiple family members and our inability to overcome disagreements.
Maybe it's the upcoming holiday season...it is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, right?  Well for me its not.  I seriously wish I could hibernate through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's only to wake up on January 1, 2013.  Ideally, I'd wake up to the realization that what I've been living these last few years, was nothing more than a nightmare; a really bad dream.
Maybe facing the reality of that not happening has me emotional.

Maybe it's just a combination of it all.  Looking into the kaleidoscope of my life, nothing is quite coming into focus.  All I know is that I've been an emotional wreck...crying at the drop of a dime.

Am I headed into another depressive episode?  Not exactly.  What's different now (than say a year ago), is that I'm able to recognize my symptoms, and this sometimes enables me to prevent a complete downward spiral.  During this valley experience, I've become very in tuned to myself.  I notice the most subtle changes in my emotions.  I'm now completely aware of my triggers and I'm constantly tweaking my action plan on how to deal better with them when they arise. 

So how do I avoid a depressive episode when I do notice the changes in my emotions??

1.  I treat myself gently with kindness and forgiveness.  I do NOT beat up on myself for feeling the way I feel. 

2.  I force myself to get out of the bed after I've slept for 8 hours....and I try to do at least 20 minutes of activity daily. (Preferably outdoors)

3.  I listen to relaxation sounds almost 24/7.  This is new for me, but it has helped SO much!!  The sounds of a calming soft stream...or gentle rainfall plays constantly---even through the night.

4.  I burn SAGE!!

5.  I use Rose, Jasmine and Bergamot oils as aromatherapy...usually in my bath.  Sometimes, I put a few drops of the oil on an old cloth and inhale the scent a few times a day.

6.  I try to make sure I eat and hydrate properly...and I indulge in LOTS of white tea (Teavana's Golden Mojito)!  I'm extra careful to take ALL prescribed medication AS prescribed.

7.  I try to steer clear of anything that could potentially kill my spirit.  Only you know what those things are in your life....but for me, it's subliminal messages from people that are angry with me--- by way of blogs, tweets, facebook, instagram, etc.

8.  I  speak openly in my support group.  Al-Anon has been a LIFESAVER. (Point blank, period) 

9.  I meditate-twice a day.

10.  I try to indulge in those things that I enjoy. 


While it's not always possible to prevent a depressive episode...these are things that I've done to minimize its effects.  Find out what works for you, and share them with others that may be dealing with the same thing.

Codependency

Recently, I've been learning about and dealing with codependency in both my psychotherapy sessions and Al-Anon.  It's never really an easy pill to swallow when you suddenly realize you have more issues to tackle! As if the depression and BPD diagnosis weren't already enough...I now have the added codependency traits that I'm also learning to recover from.

While I was in high school, I attended a few Ala-teen group sessions at the recommendation of a teacher.  I was very much cognizant of the meaning of codependency yet completely unaware that over the years, my actions had completely transformed into those of a codependent.  A friend of mine had passively thrown the term about, in describing my actions...and my behavior as it related to her, but I didn't take heed.  It wasn't until my life came crashing down and my world was torn apart---that TRUE self discovery started to take place.  I was at a place where I was completely lost...I didn't know who I was or how I had become that person.  Right before my first inpatient hospitalization, I remember sitting in a client's office one day and I completely broke down!  I cried at my desk, and a co-worker came in and asked what was wrong...all I could say was "I feel like I'm losing my mind, I feel like I'm going crazy."  Codependency had taken over my life, and taken on a life of its own.  Both my therapist and psychiatrist have said that often times, people go through cycles or periods of codependency.  That was definitely true for me, I've seen it amplified over the past 2-3 years.

"Codependency is a behavioral and psychological condition in which a person sacrifices his/her own wants and needs in order to maintain an unhealthy relationship. It is also called “relationship addiction”. Codependency is probably due to the intense fear and frantic efforts to avoid abandonment common in BPD." (BPD & Codependency, Becky Oberg)

EEEEEK....Codependency AND BPD....I mean c'mon.  Not a combination I'd wish on my worst enemy!

In my codependent world, I attached myself to people, sometimes even lying to and deceiving those I truly loved...to ensure they loved me back (people pleasing.)  I obsessively held on tightly to these people that I was so very dependent on.  I would sacrifice myself...to make sure their needs were met, that they were happy, that their problems were solved, that they were taken care of (care-taking.)  I centered my LIFE around these people to ensure my security and happiness (control).  I convinced myself that I couldn't live without these people--- because of course my relationship with them was more important to me than I was to myself.  Point blank, I was dependent on someone else's approval, presence, love and their need for me.  Did I need something in return?  Of course I did.  I was desperate for validation.  I was desperate for love.  I needed to be needed.   My self-worth was ONLY boosted when I was able to see the positive difference I made in their lives.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a giver at heart.  I give freely without expectation. I love HARD and I generally give 110% in any relationship/friendship I'm in.  I 'm extremely compassionate and empathetic naturally. That's the HEALTHY part of my true character.  The unhealthy/codependent part comes into play when I allowed those relationships, people and their problems to consume me...when I crossed the boundaries and made it my responsibility to please them and care for them without their consent or request. Bottom line is I severely lacked self worth and self-esteem.  I didn't love myself enough to think that someone could actually love me for who I am.

So how am I recovering from being a co-dependent?  Therapy and life coaching have been SUPERB in getting me out of that self-destructive cycle.  I admitted that I had a problem and took ownership for the messes I made. I didn't want to face the ugly truth, so for years, I lived with beautiful lies. I'm thankful that the truth has finally set me free.  I had to rid myself of the codependent relationships in my life.  Some removed themselves from my life, others I had to detach from with love.  Today, I'm taking time to focus on ME. I accept myself for who I truly am, I'm finding happiness and peace within.  I'm learning to love myself just as I am.  It has taken A LOT of work, but I see an improved difference every day.  I am perfectly imperfect, lovable and deserve to be loved.  I'm no longer afraid of being myself.  There's SOMEBODY in the world that's willing to love the person I've been hiding. I've removed the mask that has kept me safe and in control, I see myself and now I'm being myself.   I'm becoming my OWN best friend; "you love, say, give and do your best for your best friend." -D.Furstenburg...and TODAY, my best friend is, ME!

Alive On Purpose!!!

I am so very proud to be a part of #TeamAOP!  "Alive On Purpose" is dedicated to bringing awareness to the world through suicide prevention and purpose discovery. Our enhanced self-development programs, powerful social media campaigns, and dynamic outreach programs enhance life in our communities and the very people we encounter daily. You will find the empowerment you need to live each day alive with full potential, passion and possibility. We at Alive on Purpose believe that when a person understands fully why they live (purpose) they will refuse to fall victim to life's circumstances.  With all of our efforts we aim to equip people everywhere to discover purpose, increase their potential, and live in today's society fully activated and engaged in their lives."  Please visit their website here to read more about how you can support this wonderful effort.---> Alive on Purpose

On November 1, 2012 they rolled out their newest social media campaign "I Refuse To Flatline" which featured my testimony about suicide.    "I Refuse To Flatline" isn't just MY story, but the stories of everyone who survived death, depression and hopelessness...it's a LIFESTYLE!!  If you aren't on their mailing list, chances are---you haven't read it.  I'll post it here for you all to read, but PLEASE support the ministry and efforts of Alive On Purpose!  Click Here to follow them on twitter Alive On Purpose!  Click here to like their Facebook Page Alive On Purpose!

I'm so thankful and humbled to have been offered an opportunity to share my testimony with hundreds of people across the world.  If my testimony touches just ONE, my suffering was not in vain!

Read How Markeeda Conquered Suicide

A personal crisis halted my being, flipped my world upside down and sent me barreling head first into a sea of depression. Suicide was the only way I thought I could escape the darkness. I was very close to falling victim to the circumstances of life. My attempts were thwarted because the giver of life didn't see fit for me to take my own; God being just who he is, stepped in and saved me from myself. As I surrendered all and started totally trusting HIM, I transitioned from merely existing to living again. I began to understand that no matter how dire my situation was, LIFE itself was still worth living. He REIGNS over all of my issues and my circumstances. I'm here as a LIVING witness that trouble really doesn't last always, and although that portion of my season was dark...brighter days were ahead of me. I thank God that he took the wretch that I was, and has once again---made something beautiful out of my life. Today, I live my life on and with purpose! I REFUSE TO FLATLINE because, that purpose is to be the vessel that God has called me to be; by inspiring, encouraging and uplifting others that they too may see a happier perspective of life.

Meet Markeeda Spencer #TeamAOP

Markeeda is 37 years old and currently resides in Fort Washington, MD with hopes and dreams of relocating to Chicago, IL soon. She has been working in the field of accounting for over a decade, after graduating Magna Cum Laude, she holds a BS in accounting and is currently studying to sit for the CPA Exam. Additionally, Markeeda is an active member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. She is an avid gospel music lover and liturgical dance is her passion---she loves the Lord with all her heart, and he loves her! Her favorite scripture is Psalms 46:10 "Be still and know that I AM GOD; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Emotional Bullies

Even before being diagnosed with BPD, a serious fear of abandonment has been apparent in my life. I honestly didn't know it was a "REAL" psychological issue.  As a result, I've often times stayed in relationships longer than I should have...gotten married when I shouldn't have...and clung dearly to the emotional bullies in my life.  Yep, with all the intelligence, common sense, and education that I posses, I continued to hang on to the emotional bullies, at all costs---including my sanity.  These bullies were co-workers, best friends, and YES---even my own family members.  They were people that I love (even now) with my whole heart, people that I think the world of and people that I would bet my entire life savings would never leave or abandon me.  The very people that knew my fear used it against me.  Emotional abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse, yet it's one of the least talked about. It's very subtle but anything that causes another person emotional pain is considered emotional bullying. Below are some signs I recognized of the emotional bullies in my life.

1.  Isolating- Attacking someones relationships that they have with other people is a way to isolate you, so that you are only available to the bully.  I had a friend that gave me "advice" and "counsel" that caused me to distance myself from family, friends and others that may be concerned about my well being.  There was a constant verbal trashing of my friends and family- as well as a control of the amount of interaction I had with them.  These actions made me solely dependent on my friend for EVERYTHING-including support, love and affection.  

2.  Emotional Black Mail- When they threaten to abandon you, to end the relationship.  This is a way of controlling me, because for sure this plays on my weaknesses and vulnerabilities.  Often times, people in my life would "punish" me for not behaving in the way that they wanted me to.  On an emotional level, they withheld the very needs they knew got me through each day.  Punishment is a definite form of manipulation.

3.  Withholding Affection-This is another form of emotional blackmail but it's deeper.  For me, it was the withholding of psychological and emotional nurturing.  I once had a family member who wouldn't speak to me for weeks at a time when I did something displeasing to them.  They deliberately withheld their daily communication, concern, support and love.  Which left me feeling rejected, abandoned and unworthy.

4.  Rejection-  They ignore you, give you the silent treatment, talk to others ABOUT you but won't talk to you, give you the cold shoulder and pushes you away.  Left feeling unwanted and unlovable, yet you still cling to and grateful for whatever little affection this person show you.

We've all heard the term "drama queen."  A drama queen is someone who turns something unimportant into a major deal---someone who responds irrationally and disproportionately to minor incidents... believe it or not, being a drama queen can be a form of emotional bullying.

The below is from Blogger News Network

Although they come in many forms, Drama Queens share some common traits.  They:

• Are hypersensitive, highly emotional and easily hurt.  They’re super-intense, angry, hostile and emotional. They over-react as if everything is a matter of life and death.
• They misunderstand, jump to conclusions and blow up and demand apologies.
• Are perfectionistic, nit-picking, control freaks.  They’re vindictive blamers. They take everything personally and remember forever.
• Take over every situation or group.  They act as if their drama is more important than anything else in the world.  Nothing and nobody else matters; not even getting results.
• Think that spewing of emotions reveals the “real” person.  They’re uncomfortable with people they see as expressionless.  To Drama Queens, loud emotions show strength; calm people are wimps.

Yes, I've had my fair share of drama queens in my life too.  They've misunderstood me, jumped to conclusions about me, and started rumors from THEIR misunderstanding. They are the most perfect people I know, with faults even they can't see.  The emotional turmoil that they experience is above anything else that anyone else experiences. They are authentic and possess traits of integrity, except for when they say things like "Ill never abandon you", "Your secrets are safe with me",  and "You're stuck with me forever"....just to disappear, abandon you and reveal your secrets to the world.  
 

Surprisingly, the most common advice I've received from both therapists and friends alike about how to deal with emotional bullies has been to "Just ignore them, they'll go away". Unfortunately, they won't.  They get satisfaction from bullying you even if you don't respond.  If you DO respond (which I regrettably did last week) they get an extra thrill from the evidence of their power over you.

I obviously don't have the answer on how to deal with emotional bullies, especially when it comes from people that you love dearly,  but I will say this.  I've radically accepted that they are happy being the way they are, with all the drama-queen behavior and their genuine self-inflicted pain.  We can't change ANYONE, we can only change ourselves.  So with that, I've learned to detach myself from those that emotionally bully me.  "Detachment is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement." Al-Anon Member

Accepting the Unexpected...The Power of Encouragement!

I shared a picture with my twitter family of a very unexpected bouquet of flowers that I'd recently received.  The flowers came on a day where both BPD and Depression were trying to take over.  Additionally, I'd had a long day with a difficult and annoying individual!!  For sure, I was looking for the Calgon to completely take me away.  To my surprise, when I arrived home there was the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that I'd ever seen before.  The card attached said "Hope these help to brighten up your day."  My eyes lit up before they filled with tears.  I was so overwhelmed and touched that someone thought enough of me, to even want to brighten my day.  Funny thing is....it worked.  My mood changed instantly.  For some reason, I couldn't fathom that someone could actually believe in me! or that I made a difference in the life of someone.  There we go with the BPD traits again, this time in particular the one involving identity.  People that live with BPD often present identity disturbances which includes an unstable self-image or sense of self.

Today, I received the most encouraging email from a person that I least expected.   I'm going to share the email in it's entirety...minus the name of the person that sent it.  You'd have to know the person to understand the "drinking" humor, but that's what it is.  The sincerity made me cry and the humor made me laugh.  Either way...the encouragement made my heart smile, lifted my spirits and brightened my day.

Hi,

 I am so sorry that you are going through some rough times right now. I know how hard things can be and how dreadful the future can seem. But once you hit bottom, there is only one direction to go, and that's up. Recognizing you have a problem is half the battle; concentrating on getting healthy is easier once you know what demons you are trying to conquer.

  You are blessed, my dear with lots of positive attributes. You are very strong, have lots of close friends and are one of the most determined people I know. I didn't say stubborn, did I? Believe it or not, once you are on the other side of this, you will be an even stronger person. Sure, life has its way of throwing lots of nasty things at us but as is said very often, the Big Guy (or Gal) upstairs never gives us more than we can handle. And you are handling this with the dignity and determination that defines you.

  Here's what I would suggest-

   Concentrate on the bright side-there is always a bright side.

   Find your way around this-when a door is closed in your face, look for the window

   Stay busy and keep your mind active. Allowing yourself to wallow in the darkness is not recommended.

   Remember that you are not alone. No one is spared from the shit we all have to deal with.

   Drink heavily

   And most important-keep perspective and smile a lot (the drinking will help that).

  You'll be fine & I'm not at all worried about you.

  Be happy.

 Your friend,

 Xoxoxoxo

After reading that email, I received a call from my GodFather who was unaware of what has been going on in my life.  You see, I wear that #BPD mask pretty well.  Most people only see what I portray.  I'm good at smiling on the outside while dying on the inside.  He insisted that God put me on his heart and in his spirit---and he wouldn't hang up before I shared what was wrong.  Before I knew it I broke down crying while trying to explain....all of the hurt and pain that I had been harboring poured out of me.  When I got done I was empty...and that emptiness provided space for him to pour/speak life into my lifeless spirit!!!  He assured me that he cared about me as well encouraged me immensely   Because of who he is, however, he was the LAST person I'd expected to receive a call from.

I can't forget my biggest twitter cheerleader @messyartoflvng.  No matter what she's going through in her own life...she takes the time to lift me up and encourage me DAILY!  It's so beneficial to have support and encouragement from others that can relate to what you're going through.  Sometimes, all it takes is a simple tweet to change someones day...and more times than not, those tweets that change my day come from her! I'm so grateful that our paths crossed, and again...encouragement and motivation coming in the least expected form.

Encouragement doesn't take any special talent!  Everyone can do it.  Encouragement brings hope, healing and comfort to those that are downtrodden and experiencing the rough roads of "life".  God has a way of sending the right people...at the right time.  He gives us everything we need!  Be open to receive what God has provided!  It may not come in the package or the person you expected it from.  All the encouragement and motivation that I've referenced has come in the least expected forms and from the people that I least expected it to come from.....I thank God that he placed me on their hearts.  He continues to work things out for my good! Their encouragement has given me HOPE and therefore I'll continue to accept the unexpected!!!

Strength & Courage: My First Inpatient Stay

Let's be honest with one another, if you ask most people what they think of when they hear mental institution,  I'm sure you'll get a variety of common responses such as; straight jackets, crazy killers, padded walls/rooms, white coats, crazies, raving lunatics, and the stereotypical list goes on and on.

About 11.4 million adult Americans suffered from mental illness in the past year, while 2 million teens experienced a major depressive episode in the past year. YES, 1 in 5 Americans suffer from Mental Illness, so it's more common than you probably think!   60% of those suffering actually get treatment each year, and some of these treatments take place in an inpatient setting in mental hospitals/institutions! Being admitted to a mental institution or hospital is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength and courage to seek the help needed to overcome one's issues.

September 8, 2012---(taken directly from my journal)

"I was literally, sitting on my bedroom floor, doing my normal Saturday morning cleaning. Out of NOWHERE, without warning, one tear fell, then another and another. Uncontrollable tears continued. My entire body was shaking.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't think.  I couldn't focus. I was unable to function. Was I having an anxiety attack?  Everything that I had been dealing with totally consumed me, overtook me...I was helpless. Lifeless. Almost like an out of body experience.  I had a mental breakdown."

Off to INOVA Fairfax Hospital I went.  They quickly announced that they had a "SI" (Suicidal Individual) that had arrived. They threw me into an ER room, sat someone at the edge of my bed to watch me.  A steady stream of nurses, psych liaisons, and doctors paraded in and out of my room.  Asking the same questions over & over...problem was, INOVA didn't accept my insurance for inpatient mental health care, so they were in search for somewhere else to send me.  After being at INOVA for 9 hours, it was off via ambulance to Dominion Hospital, this would be my home for the next 5 days.  The advice I received from my psych liaison , Cara, for my first inpatient stay was: "There will be people that make you feel like you don't belong there, there will be people there that you may think don't belong there, keep your focus on you, and concentrate on getting better."  This ended up being the best advice I could have received!

Upon arrival to Dominion (at 9PM) I did an intake interview, got searched, they took my cargo shorts (because of the strings) and all of my other personal belongings, handed me a hospital robe and I was led to my room. A stark white room, with two beds, two desks, two chairs and an in-suite bathroom.  No, not the coziest of places.  I cried myself to sleep that night, wondering how I ever ended up there, but also made a pact to myself to do everything I could to just "get better"...and  I did.

Starting the next morning, I didn't miss ONE therapy group that was offered.  I attended EVERYTHING, I was determined!  The mornings usually started with a community meeting.  This was a meeting where you shared your safety level, and a goal for the day as well as any emotions you were feeling.  After breakfast began the sessions that were usually an hour long.  Movement therapy, art therapy, music therapy, group sessions, individual sessions, dual diagnosis meetings, AA....I attended them ALL! It's safe to say, despite my temporary state of being I had an unusual determination to want to get better, and I made the most of stay at Dominion.

I think there are negatives and positives to everything in life.  My time at Dominion was no different.

• They checked my room every 15 minutes, even throughout the entire night.  Not the best place to get a good night's sleep...but there was a reason behind it needing to be done
• I was in a mental hospital.  There were psychotic people in there that needed help.  One in particular banged on the walls in the hallway at 2AM until he got coffee.  (again, no sleep)
• The food was the pits, being the picky eater that I am I lost 6 pounds in 5 days! 
• There were good psych techs, and there were psych techs there simply to collect a paycheck.  I think it takes special people, with great personalities & people skills to work in the mental health field.  Sadly, most I came in contact with, severely lacked those skills.
• You spend minimal time with the psychiatrist, who diagnoses you and places you on a medicine management plan after 5 or 10 minutes of conversation with you. How does that work??
• Towels the size of wash cloths.  I'm guessing they were eliminating anything that could be used to hang myself, but there were sheets on the bed, so I'm confused. 
• Visitation time was limited to ONE hour per day & two visitors per visitation.
• No cell phones, iPads, electronics etc.  While I HATED it (I'm a social media junkie), total disconnection was necessary to my recovery.

My friend Yvette bought me this gift during her visit.

Despite the negatives, I was still to able to come away with a great deal of information that was sure to help me once I was released.  Coping and breathing skills are essential skills to possess when dealing with and regulating  BPD.  Since emotion dysregulation is one of the main traits of BPD, building skills to manage these emotions when they arise is important.  I walked away from each session having acquired new relaxation exercises, mindful meditation practices, and self-help strategies that would help me for the rest of my life.

All in all, I am grateful for the services that were provided at Dominion.  I was in a dark place that I would have never been able to navigate my way out of....without help.  Upon admission, my safety level was a  ONE...which basically meant I was a danger to myself.  I felt as though the weight of the world had come crashing down upon me, and I didn't know how to cope. I was tired of trying, tired of crying. I didn't know how to dig myself out of the massive mess that life had created....that I'd created. Inside I was dying, so I wanted to end life totally---it seemed to be the easiest thing to do.  Easier than facing the challenges head on.  I've never been a quitter though, and no matter how life kept burying me alive, I continued to rise! Different people have different perspectives on how effective mental institutions are.  My first stay was definitely a life saving experience.   Varying results can be based on how much work you're able to put into getting to that "better place". I was determined to give it my all, and I did.  The hard work paid off, and in the end, despite the negatives---I walked away a stronger and wiser person.

Regrets & Regression...

So, last week...I started writing a blog on my first inpatient stay at Dominion Mental Hospital.  For sure, it triggered me. Before I could catch myself I had quickly slipped back into the dark place that I've fought so hard to get out of.  I was screaming at myself in my head...."NOOOOOO, you're going BACKWARDS!!!  WRONG WAY!!!!"  I felt ashamed that I had regressed after spending so much time, effort and energy on getting to a better place, and seeing life more clearly.  This clearer view of life is more easily accomplished when I'm in an inpatient setting, or even when enrolled in a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP), where I'm for the most part shielded from the triggers that send me tumbling.  Unfortunately, I can't spend the rest of my life in inpatient or in PHP.  I must somehow- at some point, properly adjust to life without the security of those programs.  How do I exert the same confidence and self-assurance that I had in inpatient & PHP when I'm thrust back into the real world, the world full of my triggers....the world where I spend more time regretting things that I can't change?

I woke up Wednesday morning in tears...full of regret.  Full of remorse.  Full of shame.  Full of sorrow.  Full of hurt.  How did I get here SO quickly after having weeks of progress?  I thought that I had radically accepted some of the things I can't change...but suddenly I began to doubt myself.  I suddenly realized that my "hope" for certain situations to be better in my life was diminishing.  Was this diminishing hope the reason for my regression?  I was confused.  I posed a question to my twitter #BPDFriends asking whether or not having "hope" prevents "acceptance."  My twitter friend @messyartoflvng always has the best responses...she responded, "As Long as you accept that hope does not change the fact that something is as it is."  In that moment I instantly felt relieved but regret continued to follow me throughout the day.

For most of my life, I've tried not to live with regrets.  Everything in life happens for a reason, and I try to learn the lessons from the seasons rather than regret.  Over the last few years, I've actually developed a few regrets, even though I've gained a tremendous amount of practical and life experiences from these seasons.  I had to come to the understanding that living with regret isn't a sign of weakness. There is nothing wrong with wishing I had never done something, it only reminds me that I have high expectations of myself, and that I can do better!!!

 “If we have goals and dreams and want to do our best. If we really love people and don’t want to hurt them, we should feel pain when things go wrong,” - Kathryn Schulz

 So how do I learn to transition from the security of inpatient/PHP...I must live one minute at a time.  One minute eventually leads to one day at a time.It sounds like a simple concept, but really in my life with BPD, I've found this challenging.  I've often times been so concerned about what's going to happen in the future, that I forget to take care of me in the here and now.  For sure, I've come SO far.  I've actually learned to not allow my moments of darkness to completely consume me and my day.  I deal with the dark moments as they come and I try with everything that's in me...NOT to allow those moments to turn into days.  I begin and end my day in prayer, and I don't pick the previous day's darkness up the next day.  I've surrounded myself with like-minded people that understand me & this disorder.  I keep all therapy and coaching appointments.  I take all medication as prescribed.  I attend on-line & in person Al-Anon meetings.  I am doing EVERYTHING I can....to get to a better place for ME.  My past mistakes don't define me, neither do my temporary moments of darkness. So with that, I'm encouraged to continue pressing on.....One minute at a time!

I Made It Through Another Day's Journey...

I started writing a blog last week about my first inpatient stay.  Needless to say, it triggered so many emotions, and before I knew it...I had pummeled into a dark place, yet again!

I reached out to my Mom, who has been a God sent on this portion of my journey and she put things in perspective with one little sentence.  "Markeeda, you're going to have these days---at least it isn't EVERY DAY."  She's right, three months ago....or even a month ago....I had these dark days EVERY DAY...so as I look at how far I've come, I realize that I may not be where I want to be, but I thank God I'm not where I was.

I re-tweeted a powerful tweet the other day that pretty much summed up my sentiments in my last blog post about being understood. "I want someone that understands how much they affect my moods/emotions & takes that into consideration."

Then it hit me...While I want to be understood by everyone, there ARE people in my life that DO understand  and support me.  While I want some of the people of my past to reassure me, new people are being brought into my life to help me through this phase. While I want to heal broken family relationships, I realize that I spent 18 years being groomed for this very time.  While life isn't ALL that I want it to be, I've made it through another day's journey....and miles ahead of where I was last month, cause I'm still HERE!  #Perspective

I just want to quickly encourage someone today...that can't see their way out of the darkness---that better days are coming.  It WILL get better, just hold on, as tight as you can, and DON'T LET GO!  Don't GIVE UP!!!  I promise you, trouble doesn't last always....it WILL get better!!!!

I had to take a few days to regroup after halfway finishing the blog about my first inpatient stay, but I'll finish it this week for sure!

I Just Want To Be Understood

I originally started this blog in a quest to be understood.  There were people in my life, that I unintentionally inflicted hurt and pain upon and I had a need and a want to be understood.  While I fundamentally understood their point of view, I didn't feel as though they were as open to understanding mine, which led to feelings of invalidation and rejection .  I'm not sure if this is the general consensus of all those that are living with BPD, but every day I think to myself..."what if" they just understood.  They being the non-borderline people in my life.  The people who I love, the people that I've hurt, my family, my friends..."what if" they understood me---understood this disorder, my life would be so much more manageable.

I read a blog from my twitter friend @Messyartoflvng that made me think of this even more.  In her blog, she said "I feel like I need help in a safe place with people that understand this mindset, these issues and the ridiculous things I do because of them."

I saw a tweet from Iyanla Vanzant yesterday, that said if you want Iyanla to fix your relationship....go fill out this form.  I of course, rushed to the link with expediency!  Of course I want Iyanla to fix ALL that I've recently lost...but then the shame consumed me.  The shame of having BPD, and the shame of having to share that with the world, in the unlikely event that I was even chosen.  I realized that maybe even Iyanla wouldn't understand me, and that temporarily deterred me from applying. My wise mind  (DBT still at work) showed up, and I actually did fill out the form.  NO MORE shame!!!

Sometimes, it saddens me that the only people that seem to understand me, are the other people that suffer from this disorder just as I do.  I want the non-borderline's in my life to UNDERSTAND!! Perhaps I'm the one that really doesn't understand...or perhaps I have an unrealistic expectation from people that claim to love me...

I'm trying to radically accept that everybody won't understand everything, but I'm going to be honest.  I haven't mastered that acceptance and I seriously struggle with this daily.  On an emotional level, being misunderstood causes me an enormous amount of frustration and pain.

I want them to understand, that even though I unintentionally hurt them, I hurt too.  My hurt is often times what they are feeling, intensified by 1000.  I DO feel shame and guilt as a result of my actions, and I feel it more intensely than most! Hypersensitivity, it's REAL.

I want them to understand , that although my false-self manifested it's way into the world via my relationships---what was real was my authentic self. (A.J. Mahari)  My love was authentic.  I'm slowly but surely finding my true self, and I'm giving it more credence than my false self....

I want them to understand, I am NOT my diagnosis.  People diagnosed with BPD, that seek professional help DO get better.  I'm doing my part, I just want you to support me.  Don't abandon me as I make every effort to beat this thing!

I want them to, separate the person from the disorder. Love me, but hate BPD.  If you took the time to educate yourself about the disorder you may understand better.  Understanding sometimes leads to compassion.  Compassion goes a long way!

I want them to understand, the absolutely absurd, unnecessary and ridiculous things that I did because of this disorder.  I've lied, and often times became the person I thought you wanted me to be in an attempt to gain your love and affection.  This doesn't mean I haven't changed.  The more I love myself, the more I learn that it's OK to unashamedly be my flawed self.

I want them to understand, that I've suffered from a lack of self-worth, self-love, and self-esteem for pretty much all of my life.  These issues won't be corrected overnight, but I'm committed and dedicated to long term help!  I don't want you to save me, I simply want you to stand by as I save myself.  If you're absent, how will you know the positive changes that I'm making in my life?

I want them to understand, that the silent treatment is a brutal form of emotional abuse.  Being ignored is honestly the worst feeling ever.  Your ignoring me is a form of punishment for having a mental illness that I'm working hard to control.

I want them to understand, that lying helped me to avoid the pain.  Therapy has helped me face the pain.  DBT has helped in dealing with my emotions surrounding the pain.

I want them to understand, that I wanted/needed to connect with a reality that was better than mine...good or bad.  Now I'm facing my reality, and I realize that my life, purpose and future are worth fighting for.

I want them to understand, that I'm not a bad person, I'm not a monster, I'm not crazy. I have Borderline. I'm a human being, with real feelings.  I'm discovering who I REALLY am, and although it's taken 37 years for it to happen, better late than never.

I just want more than anything to be understood.....

"Back From The Edge"

"Back from the Edge" is a documentary on BPD done by the New York Presbyterian Hospital.

It's pretty lengthy (48 min long), and I'm sure only people REALLY interested in learning more about BPD and about those of us that live with it will actually watch it in it's entirety.  For those not interested in watching, I outlined a few points below, especially those relative to MY life living with BPD.  Enjoy!

"People with BPD experience emotions more intensely than others."

"People with BPD tend to be very dependent and clingy."

"You can't have interpersonal relationships if you're not emotionally stable."

"People thought I had everything together...they thought everything was perfect because that's how I appeared to the world"

"Felt like a Chameleon-there is a sense of not knowing who you are. I was being who other people wanted me to or expected me to be."

" I was becoming someone else so people would like me...therefore being a part of something.  I didn't know how to be."

"People with BPD often times conform to what they think other people want from them."

"People with BPD need other people to regulate them.  The relationships that they form often times breathe life into them"

"Absences or separations from the relationships that they form are catastrophic in their significance...like they don't exist themselves."

"People with Bordeline don't know they are being manipulative."

"Manipulation assumes a person has the skills to think and then execute a plan.  Manipulation in that sense can't be applied to people with BPD."

"I had physical aggression, NOT against anyone."

"As I began to feel more and more worthless as a person, I began to feel people would be better off without me."

"People with the disorder find great relief from being diagnosed."

"BPD is an imminently treatable disorder.  Patients can be helped...have a good chance to get better."

"BPD is a disorder of relations.  Recovery involves getting back into communities and having relationships, tolerating the stress and building a life for yourself again."

"People with this disorder get better!!!!"

For loved ones of someone living with BPD..."Participate in therapy.  Get to know what's going on and what to expect"

"Recovery is not a sprint, but a long distance race."

"...The will and desire to confront what's going on with yourself.  If you confront it, things will be so much better.  It takes faith and trust in the people around you to admit having something so stigmatized and then put yourself in their hands and say please help."