tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65431130585630155512024-03-18T21:40:25.630-07:00More Than My Diagnosis...Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-29616716717330012462013-03-04T07:16:00.003-08:002013-03-04T19:06:30.251-08:00Progress...DBT Skills to the TEST!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Do you know the pure satisfaction and sense of accomplishment you get when you're able to cross something off of your "To Do" list? No matter how small and insignificant...you've made progress and that is sometimes a GREAT feeling!!! <br />
Yesterday morning as I was enjoying some rare quiet time with my S/O, I was jolted by several text messages advising me to check my Facebook page. Against my better judgement, I pulled myself out of bed and did just that. I was instantly triggered by what I read...and quickly responded to what I felt was an unprovoked attack. ALL of my DBT skills went out the window...NO WiseMind. NO Mindfulness. NO Radical Acceptance. No Mindful breaths. WHOA!!! What just happened??? Everything I had learned and practiced for the last six months seemingly were gone, POOF---in a matter of seconds. I felt dejected. I felt like a failure. <br />
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After about an hour of texting, emailing and obsessing ...my S/O had FINALLY had enough. He snatched my iPad and phone and gently but sternly said "ENOUGH." He told me to get dressed because we were going OUT. I huffed and threw a semi-tantrum, because my plan was to spend a quiet day at HOME, together. He handed me 2 cubes of ice, and quietly walked away. He realized before I did the path that I was taking and lovingly steered me back to the road of recovery. I'm thankful for a companion that has taken the time to LEARN about my mental illness and ALSO how to help me navigate through it. He was helping me to practice my #DBT distraction skills...before I even knew what was going on. <br />
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DBT has taught me that during a crisis, I can engage in activities that will help to distract me from my distress...and I can also distract with other physical sensations (IE: the ice cubes shook me out of my distressed feelings). On our way out to the mall and lunch...he had me describe in detail exactly how I envision our trip to Tahiti will be. YET AGAIN, another technique that uses POSITIVE mental imagery---allowing OTHER thoughts to pass through my mind, to give myself and my mind a reprieve from the other MESS that I had experienced earlier in the day. <br />
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After all of that...and many hours later, I was able to stand on my own. Without help from the S/O I engaged in some self soothing techniques that sealed the deal! I lit my sage, enjoyed a long bubble bath...and listened to worship music for what seemed like hours. I was in my own world! Ended the night with some guided meditation, and slept peacefully.<br />
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A few things that I learned yesterday is:<br />
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*Six months ago, I would have allowed being triggered to completely consume me and destroy my day/life...once anxiety sets in, it's hard to get out of it's grip. While I did have help from my S/O---I utilized the skills I've learned in DBT, and was able to get on with my day/life. I initially felt as though I had failed to utilize my DBT skills, but I was able to pull it together!! Progress....in the smallest form is STILL progress!!!!!<br />
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*I'm not perfect...but I'm SURELY not the person I used to be. <br />
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*Let go of criticism!! People will criticize you and try to keep you bound to your past and the person that you USED to be. The past is just that, MY PAST. I didn't run from it, I owned it and learned from it and NOW I'm going forward.<br />
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*What other people express is more about THEM and their perceptions...not about me, and I don't have to take their perceptions personally. We are all individually entitled to our own perceptions. People will be people.<br />
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*TRUE loyalty doesn't fade...even when the friendship/relationship has. I have to be ME, regardless of what THEY do or say. <br />
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*Last but certainly not least......yesterday, I realized more than ever, how blessed I am to have someone to walk this journey WITH me. Someone who promised to love me UNTIL I learned to love myself. Even in crisis, good things are revealed.<br />
<br />Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-15799820916834754622013-02-15T17:12:00.000-08:002013-02-15T17:12:06.579-08:00Free To Be Me!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The new year has been absolutely WONDERFUL to me. I've grown and learned so much over the last six months...not just about myself, but about LIFE. I've spent an enormous amount of time in therapy, in Al-Anon, in DBT, in church, in life coaching sessions.....not just figuring out where and why my life went wrong---but fixing and healing those areas that needed it. I had to go BACK to where I got OFF track in order to get back on the right track!! The journey hasn't been easy, but the wisdom from my pain has been the most rewarding thing on Earth!<br />
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First up was learning to love myself. Easier said than done...but as I told my friend <a href="http://www.twitter.com/myyorkiebiscuit" target="_blank">Owetta</a> last week it has taken me 37 years to FINALLY get it right. Now that I've gotten it right, it's truly the most AMAZING feeling ever. How could I have survived this long...not TRULY loving ME? I mean....loving ALL of me. My good AND my bad....my positives AND my negatives...my ups AND my downs...my strengths AND my weaknesses....my past AND my future. The Bible says ALL things work together for the good of them that love the Lord. ALL things are inclusive of my mistakes, my mess-ups, insecurities, my screw-ups, my bad behavior, they are WORKING for my GOOD!!<br />
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As I began to learn to love me...it free'd me to BE myself. No longer did I need to pretend to be something or someone that I was not. No longer did I need to beg and steal love from others that weren't willing to give it to me freely. No longer did I need to lie about who I was to ENSURE that someone loved me. As I began to love me, it opened up the path for me to be loved by others! *giggles*<br />
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Do I still stumble with the self-love from time to time? SURE I do. I've gone 37 years without it, and it's not gonna correct itself over night. One thing is for sure though---I've worked HARD at achieving that goal!! For everyone that knows me....I'm an overachiever. I get DONE what I set my mind to do!!<br />
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Bottom line is....I love ME. The REAL me. The TRUE me.....and I can care LESS who doesn't.<br />
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<br />Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-45187070475901208632013-01-02T17:22:00.000-08:002013-01-02T17:22:01.716-08:00Happy New Year!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So I've been a little M I A lately. I totally neglected my blog. I went on vacation, got relaxed and rejuvenated and almost immediately upon my return home I got sick...yep, totally wiped out from that flu bug. Not many things or people can totally wipe me out for weeks at a time, but I had to succumb to more rest and relaxation as my body dealt with the flu. It was NO FUN!!! But here we are in 2013......a new year to get it right! It's only been two days into the new year, but SO FAR, SO GOOD! I just wanted to pop in and say hi, let ya'll know I'm OK....blogs will continue this week!!Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-62925128409169387622012-12-18T11:40:00.000-08:002012-12-20T07:53:19.354-08:00Cure Ignorance!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So...here I was on vacation, enjoying the sun...the water...the relaxation...the rejuvenation, and #BOOM just like a bad nightmare, I was quickly thrust back into reality once I turned to CNN and heard of the vicious and brutal massacre that had occurred in NewTown, Connecticut. Initially I was glued to the television---I was extremely saddened and I couldn't properly regulate my emotions!!After stepping away for a while I began watching again---until I realized I was becoming increasingly more angry at the news media. Before they could even get the shooter's name correct (initially they named his Brother as the suspect), they had ALREADY diagnosed him with being mentally ill! Then came additional speculations...he had a personality disorder-he suffered from Autism-he possibly had Asperger's. The more I watched...the angrier I got. It seems as though every time tragedy strikes or violence is prevalent the perpetrator is ALWAYS labelled as mentally ill. Fact of the matter is...research has repeatedly shown that the vast majority of people with mental illness are not violent...and the vast majority of people who are violent DO NOT suffer from mental illness. Stat of the year: People with mental illness only account for 4% of violence in America (New York Times). So where's the disconnect?? Why is mental illness constantly demonized by those in the news media that continue to use their platform to spew ignorance?<br />
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This blog isn't intended to fight the stigma and shame surrounding mental illness...I've already blogged about that, and you can read it here ----> <a href="http://www.womentalhealth.blogspot.com/2012/11/fighting-stigma-and-shame.html" target="_blank">Fighting Stigma and Shame!</a> I'm actually writing this blog to BLAST ignorance...plain & simple. <br />
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It's ignorance like THIS...<br />
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I'd ban ALL guns for convicted criminals and ANYONE with ANY mental health history whatsoever.<br />
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) <a data-datetime="2012-12-14T22:21:46+00:00" href="https://twitter.com/piersmorgan/status/279712814879354880">December 14, 2012</a></blockquote>
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If any member of a house hold has mental illness, that house hold can't own a gun! <a href="https://twitter.com/search/%23easy">#easy</a><br />
— Lee Miller (@mr_leemiller) <a data-datetime="2012-12-18T17:42:33+00:00" href="https://twitter.com/mr_leemiller/status/281092099171045378">December 18, 2012</a></blockquote>
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Those defending violent video games miss my point: a mentally ill person, with easy access to guns, can have bloodlust fuelled by the games.<br />
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) <a data-datetime="2012-12-16T15:05:34+00:00" href="https://twitter.com/piersmorgan/status/280327815373656064">December 16, 2012</a></blockquote>
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The solution to gun (all?)violence is to keep criminals & the mentally ill away from law-abiding citizens!<br />
— An American Patriot (@Onelifetogive) <a data-datetime="2012-12-18T15:52:31+00:00" href="https://twitter.com/Onelifetogive/status/281064409458176000">December 18, 2012</a><br />
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No really...do these people actually believe this stuff?? I have a mental illness (I don't suffer from it, I'm learning to thrive with it!!) and I am NOT violent. I've legally own a gun. More than one actually, and I'm able use them very well; I shoot better accuracy percentages than most of my police friends. BUT even at my lowest point in life (when I was not yet prescribed medication) it never even crossed my mind to use it on MYSELF, let alone others. I'm a big kid at heart, so I have all the gaming systems---YES, I play <em>"<strong>Call of Duty</strong>"</em> regularly. It's a shooting game. I've played online against people, I've beat their socks off (they thought they had an automatic win playing against a woman)...but at the end of the day, I put my controller down, turn my system off---without even a mere thought of "bloodlust." Maybe I'm a special breed---and somehow different from the rest of the people that I know that live with a mental illness, but I'm NOT. I'm the standard...what the MEDIA portrays is NOT. We're NOT all the same. We're NOT all violent. We're NOT all subhuman. Believe it or not, EVIL people actually exist in the world. Evil does not = mentally ill!!! "Evil is about choice! Sickness (Mental Illness) is about the absence of choice." (Lindsay Fitzharris)<br />
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The ignorance of the news media fuels the stigma and shame of having a mental illness. I'm NO LONGER ashamed. Stigma and shame kept me from seeking help for years! A personal crisis forced me to get the help I needed. I'm no longer running away from or ignoring my problems, I'm facing them head on. That's not the only thing I'm facing head on!! I'm also facing those that use their platform to spread lies and ignorance instead of educating themselves and the world!! YES...a detailed and educational email response went out to Piers Morgan regarding his insensitive and ignorant tweet, NO...I didn't get a response, but I faced it head on! Knowledge is the Cure for ignorance!! <br />
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<br />Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-58953080000082402462012-12-09T04:25:00.000-08:002012-12-09T05:01:40.549-08:00Beating the odds...Time for vacation!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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You all know, these last six months have easily been the WORST six months of my entire life!!! I've never experienced anything like the nightmare I've survived. I lost MYSELF, betrayed my heart, and told lies to avoid losing the love of someone who didn't really love me like I thought they did. I lost my dignity. I lost friends and family. I lost my MIND when a mental health crisis crashed my world! <b>TW</b>: Attempted suicide. Battled an eating disorder. (<b>End TW</b>) Was diagnosed with depression and BPD.....ALL within six months. I'm STILL here though...beating ALL odds that were set against me!<br />
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Recovery is HARD, but it's possible. I've been putting in MAJOR work!! Therapy session after therapy session. DBT session after DBT session. Al-anon meeting after Al-anon meeting. Calls and meetings with my sponsor even when I didn't feel like it. Keeping my appointments with my nutritionist and sticking to a plan EVEN when eating was the LAST thing on my mind. Life Coaching sessions even when my LIFE felt hopeless. Taking and tweaking medicine regimens even when the meds were making me sick. Not to mention more inpatient stays than I ever care to remember...all in the name of trying to be the BEST ME I can be.<br />
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Have I stumbled? Yes. Have I sometimes regressed? Yes. Have I allowed people and things to make me spiral backwards? Yep. I'm STILL human. I have feelings. I experience intense emotions. YET. STILL. I. RISE. Each time I bounce back quicker than the time before. I have BPD, but BPD doesn't have ME!!! <br />
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Today, I'm leaving for a tropical vacation!!!! After the whirlwind of the last six months, I DESERVE a vacation!! Not a vacation from recovery, because I've learned to NEVER take a day off from making life better for myself. I'm simply changing scenery. This week I'll spend time working on "me" from a beach! I have my reading material packed...and I'll read from the pool. Guided Meditation downloaded....I'll find a quiet spot on the beach in the early or late morning hours. I've scheduled to attend electronic Al-Anon sessions while I'm gone, and YES...my sponsor will be checking to make sure! Meds are packed. I'm ready! I may not blog again this week, but I'll be sure to share some wonderful photo's with you when I return. <br />
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Nietzsche said..."That which does not kill us makes us stronger". One of my twitter followers took it a step further and said that wound that you experienced wasn't a death sentence, but a LIFE sentence. Embrace the healing and start living!!! So with that, I affirm today that I am ALREADY healed, happy, loving, wealthy, successful, confident, physically and emotionally well!! Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-25797166145142101142012-11-29T15:45:00.001-08:002012-11-29T15:48:45.309-08:00Fighting Stigma and Shame!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Last week I was bamboozled by a family member that was spreading incorrect and inaccurate information about my mental health journey. This saddened me but it let me know that myths and stereotypes are constantly being perpetuated by lots of people; sometimes including family and the people closest to those of us that live with mental illness. I must admit, I was utterly confused on how they were presenting details about me, my mental health journey, the disorder(s) I've been diagnosed with and how I live with them every day. How can you speak of something that you clearly have no knowledge of? Their ignorance caused me major pain and suffering. An old friend of mine described my mental health journey as a "LifeTime Movie"...this came from an activist that daily fights the stigma & shame surrounding her health issues. Apparently, she was unaware that her depiction was completely judgmental, stereotypical, critical and completely lacked the compassion that she too fights for regarding her OWN illness. I understand though, that people fear what they don't understand. I've decided not to suffer in silence, and to make sure those that actually love and care for me are well informed and educated about not just MY disorder, but mental illness as a whole.<br />
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Often times, we actually believe what is portrayed in movies and on television as reality. Fact of the matter is, movies and television are entertainment, not education (unless of course you're watching Animal Planet,The History Channel, Discovery, etc.) There are hundreds of movies and sit-coms that negatively and inaccurately depict mental illness and this fuels the stigma and shame associated with it. Additionally, the news media tends to focus on the mental illness aspect when anything violent or tragic happens. In 2012 alone, the media dug into the mental health history of Congresswoman Gifford's shooter (Jared Lee Loughner), the Colorado movie theater shooter (James Holmes), and the Sikh Temple shooter (Wade Michael Page.) Fortunately, these acts of violence are not typical of ALL people that suffer from mental illness yet the media portrayal as something dark and dangerous further adds to the stigma and shame.<br />
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How you represent yourself and your disorder has a huge effect on fighting stigma. I personally have BPD, but I choose not to allow BPD to control my life. I live...in spite of my diagnosis, and as the title of my blog states, I'm MORE than my diagnosis. <br />
We all have the power to fight stigma. I personally believe that fight starts with education...and identifying the myths and misinformation about mental illness will help to dispel such nonsense.<br />
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MY Biggest Mental Health Myths/Stigmas:<br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="color: red; font-weight: bold;">Mental Illness is rare/uncommon: </span>One in five Americans will be diagnosed with a mental disorder in their lifetime. This makes mental illnesses more common than cancer, diabetes or HIV/AIDS.</li>
<li><b><span style="color: red;">People with mental illnesses are "CRAZY"</span></b>: Crazy is a meaningless term. People with mental illnesses are sick, not crazy.</li>
<li><span style="color: red;"><b>People with mental illness are more likely to commit violent crimes</b></span>: Mentally ill people are more likely to be the victims of crime than the perpetrators of it. Most crime are committed out of passion or greed. Both are very sane things, but not morally correct. Immoral and insane are very different. Via <a href="http://www.twitter.com/stigmasmash" target="_blank">@StigmaSmash </a></li>
<li><b><span style="color: red;">Mental Illness is usually a choice of bad lifestyle choices</span></b>: Mental illness is NOT a result of character flaws or weakness. Mental Illnesses are health conditions (sometimes brain) that are products of social, psychological, genetic and biological factors. </li>
<li><span style="color: red;"><b>People with mental illness are dangerous/ violent</b></span>: People with mental health conditions are no more violent than anyone else! Those suffering from mental illness are often more frightened, confused and despairing than violent. Unless drugs or alcohol are involved, people with mental disorders do not pose more of a threat to the community than anyone else.</li>
<li><b><span style="color: red;">People with mental illness never recover</span></b>: People with mental illnesses CAN and DO recover. With treatment, medicine, therapy, support or a combination of all---people with mental illnesses can lead fulfilling and productive lives and contribute positively to society.</li>
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Everyone is affected by mental illness. If your friend, family member or loved one lives with mental illness there are a few things you can do....to ease the shame associated with the illness. Treat people with mental illnesses as people and not as an illness! Treat them with respect and dignity as you would anyone else. Don't label people with terms as "crazy" "wacko" or "CooCoo". Lastly, learn the facts about mental health and share them with others!</div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">"<i>Mental Illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all." -Bill Clinton</i></span></b></div>
<br />Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-89292479013236169832012-11-26T13:04:00.001-08:002012-11-26T13:04:41.071-08:00Experience Is The Best Teacher!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I must be honest...I completely struggled through Thanksgiving Day, but I MADE IT! I'm still here! One of my family members was in town visiting for the holiday, and I decided to pay a visit since it had been some time since I'd seen them. I was actually kind of excited about just getting a chance to see them and hugging their neck~~ genuine hugs can sometimes make all your problems seem to disappear! I was indeed a little anxious, family relations over the past few months have been strained to say the least, but nevertheless, I headed out, eagerly anticipating the show of love and brief fellowship that was about to commence. I arrived with a small token, and a smile on my face! It made my heart smile that my family members were just as happy to see me as I was to see them. I seemingly had been anxious for NOTHING. But, In the midst of our laughing and joking...the conversation took a QUICK turn to something more serious. Mental Health.</div>
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I was informed that another family member (one that I loved dearly) had been telling everyone that I was bi-polar, that I had 10 personalities, that I was "crazy", and that I'd taken to Facebook to speak ill of them publicly. YES, tears instantly welled up in my eyes...my heart and spirit were INSTANTLY pierced. How could the ONE person I'd thought the world of: trash my name...throw me under the bus...spread lies...spew ignorance??? The people that I speak to the least seem to ALWAYS be those that have the MOST to say about me. This family member was invited to attend family counseling with me, invited to visit me during my inpatient stay to speak with my mental health team (Psychiatrist and Psychologist) and they didn't show up. Yet, they were very verbal about what they THOUGHT they knew about my mental health history. Fact is, I was initially<b> MISDIAGNOSED</b> with Bipolar Disorder. MANY other people (40%) that have BPD have also been inaccurately diagnosed with Bipolar initially. You can read the NIH study here if you are so inclined. <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2849890/" target="_blank">BPD Misdiagnosed as Bipolar</a>. </div>
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Lies aside (which they ARE). SUPPOSE I did have Bipolar. Suppose I was crazy. Suppose I did have 10 personalities. Does that make me unworthy of love and respect? I'm STILL a part of your FAMILY. You don't discard people you claimed to love just 2 weeks ago. Where I come from, family is supposed to love unconditionally. They cover and correct with LOVE. They restore. They don't condemn. They don't judge. They don't tear down. They don't abandon you. They don't kick you while you're down. They don't invalidate. They stick with you through the tough times. They support. They encourage. They educate themselves so that they don't add to the SHAME and STIGMA associated with mental illness. I'd always heard that family could hurt you the worst, but I'd never personally experienced that...until now. </div>
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Through this experience, I've learned that...</div>
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<ul>
<li>Indeed, those you love the most, can hurt you the worst---and family is NOT exempt. </li>
<li>My family members are souls on a journey struggling through their life lessons just as I am. (Iyanla)</li>
<li>Blood is thicker than water is true in science, not life.</li>
<li>Sometimes, even family are waiting for you to fall, instead of helping you out.</li>
<li>People often speak about what they don't know. Knowledge really is power. Lack of is ignorance.</li>
<li>People are quick to share your flaws, but don't acknowledge their own.</li>
<li>Just because I'm able to OWN my faults, issues & mistakes...everyone isn't capable of doing the same.</li>
<li>Hurting people really do hurt people.</li>
<li>The WHOLE story is always better than a partial story, and it's only fair for all.</li>
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I'm glad with each life experience I am able to learn lessons. From now on, I'm making it a personal goal to not allow ANYONE'S ignorance, hate, drama or negativity stop me from being the BEST person I can be!!!!</div>
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Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-21857972856211610222012-11-22T07:48:00.004-08:002012-11-22T07:50:06.882-08:00I'm Thankful...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I don't want to be a holiday pooper....although, I'm REALLY NOT feeling this holiday season. I've learned though, that no matter HOW bad things are in life---there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. So here we go.<br />
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I'm thankful for...</div>
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1. <b>A will to live</b>. It may sound simple, but just a few months ago, I didn't have a will to live. I didn't want to live. I didn't feel as I had anything to live for. I attempted suicide and I'm thankful that my attempt was a failed attempt. <br />
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2. <b> Second Chances</b>. My rock bottom became the foundation upon which I'm rebuilding my life. A clean slate is what I needed. My past is my past...I don't live there anymore. Anyone unable or unwilling to let go of it as I have, unfortunately has to be left there by themselves.</div>
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3. <b>Progress</b>. I'm not where I want to be, but I thank God I'm not where I used to be. Recovery is hard work, and I've been putting in MAJOR work...even when it's only baby steps at a time. Just yesterday, I began making amends to those I've hurt. While it was emotionally draining, it was also mentally fulfilling. So many weights were lifted with only 4 out of 37 people contacted. <br />
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4. <b>The ending of 2012</b>. I can emphatically say, this has been the WORST year of my life. Anyone that knows me knows what I've lost; My mind, some family, some friends, my dignity. 2013 is the year of restoration and I'm rolling into it FULL SPEED AHEAD!</div>
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5. <b>My Dog Skittles</b>. Until recently, we haven't spent very much time alone together. We're forced to be alone together now...and he has learned me, my moods. When I'm my saddest, he hangs close and lavishes me with cuddles. Can't ask for anything better than someone that loves me unconditionally, no matter what we've been through...even if it comes in the form of my dog!<br />
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6. <b>My BPD twitter family</b>. Living with a mental illness is NOT easy. YES, we can live "normal lives"(whatever that is). Having a community of people that suffer from the same disorder that I do, that lifts me up and are able to relate to 99% of the emotions and issues that I go through is AWESOME. Having people that understand me and can relate to me has been my saving grace over the last few months. God knows what we need....when we need it.<br />
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7.<b> Lastly...I'm thankful that God IS. </b><br />
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Enjoy your day! From Skittles & I..Happy Thanksgiving to you & yours.<br />
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Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-78529450357708264592012-11-15T19:08:00.002-08:002012-11-15T19:08:36.989-08:00Holiday Blues...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I guess there could be any number of reasons that I've been overly emotional for the past few weeks. Maybe it's because I finally realize how broken I really am. How much my heart aches, how much pain and hurt is present in my heart...and how far I'm away from healing. Total Brokenness. <br />
Maybe it's because my past and the people in it are constantly being brought to my attention. <br />
Maybe it's because I experience periods of loneliness. People have removed themselves and I've completely detached (with love) from the codependent relationships in my life. That makes four fewer people in my life than this time last year, and for the most part---these people constituted my entire support system.<br />
Maybe it's the strained relationships that I have with multiple family members and our inability to overcome disagreements.<br />
Maybe it's the upcoming holiday season...it is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, right? Well for me its not. I seriously wish I could hibernate through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's only to wake up on January 1, 2013. Ideally, I'd wake up to the realization that what I've been living these last few years, was nothing more than a nightmare; a really bad dream.<br />
Maybe facing the reality of that not happening has me emotional.<br />
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Maybe it's just a combination of it all. Looking into the kaleidoscope of my life, nothing is quite coming into focus. All I know is that I've been an emotional wreck...crying at the drop of a dime.<br />
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Am I headed into another depressive episode? Not exactly. What's different now (than say a year ago), is that I'm able to recognize my symptoms, and this sometimes enables me to prevent a complete downward spiral. During this valley experience, I've become very in tuned to myself. I notice the most subtle changes in my emotions. I'm now completely aware of my triggers and I'm constantly tweaking my action plan on how to deal better with them when they arise. <br />
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So how do I avoid a depressive episode when I do notice the changes in my emotions??<br />
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1. I treat myself gently with kindness and forgiveness. I do NOT beat up on myself for feeling the way I feel. <br />
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2. I force myself to get out of the bed after I've slept for 8 hours....and I try to do at least 20 minutes of activity daily. (Preferably outdoors)<br />
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3. I listen to relaxation sounds almost 24/7. This is new for me, but it has helped SO much!! The sounds of a calming soft stream...or gentle rainfall plays constantly---even through the night.<br />
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4. I burn SAGE!!<br />
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5. I use Rose, Jasmine and Bergamot oils as aromatherapy...usually in my bath. Sometimes, I put a few drops of the oil on an old cloth and inhale the scent a few times a day.<br />
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6. I try to make sure I eat and hydrate properly...and I indulge in LOTS of white tea (Teavana's Golden Mojito)! I'm extra careful to take ALL prescribed medication AS prescribed.<br />
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7. I try to steer clear of anything that could potentially kill my spirit. Only you know what those things are in your life....but for me, it's subliminal messages from people that are angry with me--- by way of blogs, tweets, facebook, instagram, etc.<br />
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8. I speak openly in my support group. Al-Anon has been a LIFESAVER. (Point blank, period) <br />
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9. I meditate-twice a day.<br />
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10. I try to indulge in those things that I enjoy. <br />
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While it's not always possible to prevent a depressive episode...these are things that I've done to minimize its effects. Find out what works for you, and share them with others that may be dealing with the same thing.Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-60439019996444180552012-11-08T18:03:00.001-08:002012-11-09T10:16:18.621-08:00Codependency<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Recently, I've been learning about and dealing with codependency in both my psychotherapy sessions and Al-Anon. It's never really an easy pill to swallow when you suddenly realize you have more issues to tackle! As if the depression and BPD diagnosis weren't already enough...I now have the added codependency traits that I'm also learning to recover from.<br />
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While I was in high school, I attended a few Ala-teen group sessions at the recommendation of a teacher. I was very much cognizant of the meaning of codependency yet completely unaware that over the years, my actions had completely transformed into those of a codependent. A friend of mine had passively thrown the term about, in describing my actions...and my behavior as it related to her, but I didn't take heed. It wasn't until my life came crashing down and my world was torn apart---that TRUE self discovery started to take place. I was at a place where I was completely lost...I didn't know who I was or how I had become that person. Right before my first inpatient hospitalization, I remember sitting in a client's office one day and I completely broke down! I cried at my desk, and a co-worker came in and asked what was wrong...all I could say was "I feel like I'm losing my mind, I feel like I'm going crazy." Codependency had taken over my life, and taken on a life of its own. Both my therapist and psychiatrist have said that often times, people go through cycles or periods of codependency. That was definitely true for me, I've seen it amplified over the past 2-3 years.<br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: none; background-color: white; line-height: 17px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"Codependency is a behavioral and psychological condition in which a person sacrifices his/her own wants and needs in order to maintain an unhealthy relationship. It is also called “relationship addiction”. Codependency is probably due to the intense fear and frantic efforts to avoid abandonment common in BPD." (<i>BPD & Codependency, Becky Oberg</i>)</span></span><br />
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EEEEEK....Codependency AND BPD....I mean c'mon. Not a combination I'd wish on my worst enemy! <br />
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In my codependent world, I attached myself to people, sometimes even lying to and deceiving those I truly loved...to ensure they loved me back (people pleasing.) I obsessively held on tightly to these people that I was so very dependent on. I would sacrifice myself...to make sure their needs were met, that they were happy, that their problems were solved, that they were taken care of (care-taking.) I centered my LIFE around these people to ensure my security and happiness (control). I convinced myself that I couldn't live without these people--- because of course my relationship with them was more important to me than I was to myself. Point blank, I was dependent on someone else's approval, presence, love and their need for me. Did I need something in return? Of course I did. I was desperate for validation. I was desperate for love. I needed to be needed. My self-worth was ONLY boosted when I was able to see the positive difference I made in their lives.<br />
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Don't get me wrong, I'm a giver at heart. I give freely without expectation. I love HARD and I generally give 110% in any relationship/friendship I'm in. I 'm extremely compassionate and empathetic naturally. That's the HEALTHY part of my true character. The unhealthy/codependent part comes into play when I allowed those relationships, people and their problems to consume me...when I crossed the boundaries and made it my responsibility to please them and care for them without their consent or request. Bottom line is I severely lacked self worth and self-esteem. I didn't love myself enough to think that someone could actually love me for who I am. <br />
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So how am I recovering from being a co-dependent? Therapy and life coaching have been SUPERB in getting me out of that self-destructive cycle. I admitted that I had a problem and took ownership for the messes I made. I didn't want to face the ugly truth, so for years, I lived with beautiful lies. I'm thankful that the truth has finally set me free. I had to rid myself of the codependent relationships in my life. Some removed themselves from my life, others I had to detach from with love. Today, I'm taking time to focus on ME. I accept myself for who I truly am, I'm finding happiness and peace within. I'm learning to love myself just as I am. It has taken A LOT of work, but I see an improved difference every day. I am perfectly imperfect, lovable and deserve to be loved. I'm no longer afraid of being myself. There's SOMEBODY in the world that's willing to love the person I've been hiding. I've removed the mask that has kept me safe and in control, I see myself and now I'm being myself. I'm becoming my OWN best friend; "you love, say, give and do your best for your best friend." -D.Furstenburg...and TODAY, my best friend is, ME!<br />
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Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-70037199430281511602012-11-02T16:28:00.002-07:002012-11-06T17:59:59.456-08:00Alive On Purpose!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am so very proud to be a part of #TeamAOP! "<span style="line-height: 1.3em;">Alive On Purpose" is dedicated to bringing awareness to the world through</span><span style="line-height: 1.3em;"> </span><span class="underline" style="border: 0px currentColor; line-height: 1.3em; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline;">suicide prevention</span><span style="line-height: 1.3em;"> </span><span style="line-height: 1.3em;">and</span><span style="line-height: 1.3em;"> </span><span class="underline" style="border: 0px currentColor; line-height: 1.3em; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline;">purpose discovery</span><span style="line-height: 1.3em;">. Our enhanced self-development programs, powerful social media campaigns, and dynamic outreach programs enhance life in our communities and the very people we encounter daily. You will find the empowerment you need to live each day alive with full potential, passion and possibility. We at Alive on Purpose believe that when a person understands fully why they live (purpose) they will refuse to fall victim to life's circumstances. </span><span style="line-height: 1.3em;">With all of our efforts we aim to equip people everywhere to discover purpose, increase their potential, and live in today's society fully activated and engaged in their lives</span><span style="line-height: 1.3em;">." </span><span style="line-height: 1.3em;">Please visit their website here to read more about how you can support this wonderful effort.---> <a href="http://www.imaliveonpurpose.com/" target="_blank">Alive on Purpose</a></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">On November 1, 2012 they rolled out their newest social media campaign "I Refuse To Flatline" which featured my testimony about suicide. "I Refuse To Flatline" isn't just MY story, but the stories of everyone who survived death, depression and hopelessness...it's a LIFESTYLE!! If you aren't on their mailing list, chances are---you haven't read it. I'll post it here for you all to read, but PLEASE support the ministry and efforts of Alive On Purpose! Click Here to follow them on twitter <a href="http://www.twitter.com/AliveOnPurpose" target="_blank">Alive On Purpose</a>! Click here to like their Facebook Page <a href="http://www.facebook.com/imaliveonpurpose" target="_blank">Alive On Purpose</a>! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm so thankful and humbled to have been offered an opportunity to share my testimony with hundreds of people across the world. If my testimony touches just ONE, my suffering was not in vain!</span><br />
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<tr><td align="left" colspan="1" rowspan="1" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; margin: 0px; padding: 7px 36px;" valign="top"><b>A personal crisis halted my being, flipped my world upside down and sent me barreling head first into a sea of depression. Suicide was the only way I thought I could escape the darkness. I was very close to falling victim to the circumstances of life. My attempts were thwarted because the giver of life didn't see fit for me to take my own; God being just who he is, stepped in and saved me from myself. As I surrendered all and started totally trusting HIM, I transitioned from merely existing to living again. I began to understand that no matter how dire my situation was, LIFE itself was still worth living. He REIGNS over all of my issues and my circumstances. I'm here as a LIVING witness that trouble really doesn't last always, and although that portion of my season was dark...brighter days were ahead of me. I thank God that he took the wretch that I was, and has once again---made something beautiful out of my life. Today, I live my life on and with purpose! I REFUSE TO FLATLINE because, that purpose is to be the vessel that God has called me to be; by inspiring, encouraging and uplifting others that they too may see a happier perspective of life.</b></td></tr>
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<tr><td align="left" colspan="1" rowspan="1" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; margin: 0px; padding: 7px 36px;" valign="top"><b>Markeeda is 37 years old and currently resides in Fort Washington, MD with hopes and dreams of relocating to Chicago, IL soon. She has been working in the field of accounting for over a decade, after graduating Magna Cum Laude, she holds a BS in accounting and is currently studying to sit for the CPA Exam. Additionally, Markeeda is an active member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. She is an avid gospel music lover and liturgical dance is her passion---she loves the Lord with all her heart, and he loves her! Her favorite scripture is Psalms 46:10 "Be still and know that I AM GOD; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."</b></td></tr>
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<br />Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-71396183155061612692012-10-30T10:15:00.002-07:002012-11-01T07:52:03.877-07:00Emotional Bullies<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Even before being diagnosed with BPD, a serious fear of abandonment has been apparent in my life. I honestly didn't know it was a "REAL" psychological issue. As a result, I've often times stayed in relationships longer than I should have...gotten married when I shouldn't have...and clung dearly to the emotional bullies in my life. Yep, with all the intelligence, common sense, and education that I posses, I continued to hang on to the emotional bullies, at all costs---including my sanity. These bullies were co-workers, best friends, and YES---even my own family members. They were people that I love (even now) with my whole heart, people that I think the world of and people that I would bet my entire life savings would never leave or abandon me. The very people that knew my fear used it against me. Emotional abuse is one of the most common forms of abuse, yet it's one of the least talked about. It's very subtle but anything that causes another person emotional pain is considered emotional bullying. Below are some signs I recognized of the emotional bullies in my life.<br />
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1. <b> Isolating</b>- Attacking someones relationships that they have with other people is a way to isolate you, so that you are only available to the bully. I had a friend that gave me "advice" and "counsel" that caused me to distance myself from family, friends and others that may be concerned about my well being. There was a constant verbal trashing of my friends and family- as well as a control of the amount of interaction I had with them. These actions made me solely dependent on my friend for EVERYTHING-including support, love and affection. </div>
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2. <b>Emotional Black Mail</b>- When they threaten to abandon you, to end the relationship. This is a way of controlling me, because for sure this plays on my weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Often times, people in my life would "punish" me for not behaving in the way that they wanted me to. On an emotional level, they withheld the very needs they knew got me through each day. Punishment is a definite form of manipulation.</div>
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3. <b>Withholding Affection</b>-This is another form of emotional blackmail but it's deeper. For me, it was the withholding of psychological and emotional nurturing. I once had a family member who wouldn't speak to me for weeks at a time when I did something displeasing to them. They deliberately withheld their daily communication, concern, support and love. Which left me feeling rejected, abandoned and unworthy.</div>
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4. <b>Rejection</b>- They ignore you, give you the silent treatment, talk to others ABOUT you but won't talk to you, give you the cold shoulder and pushes you away. Left feeling unwanted and unlovable, yet you still cling to and grateful for whatever little affection this person show you.</div>
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We've all heard the term "drama queen." A drama queen is someone who turns something unimportant into a major deal---someone who responds irrationally and disproportionately to minor incidents... believe it or not, being a drama queen can be a form of emotional bullying.</div>
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The below is from <a href="http://www.bloggernews.net/124606">Blogger News Network</a></div>
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<strong>Although they come in many forms, Drama Queens share some common traits. They:</strong></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Are hypersensitive, highly emotional and easily hurt. They’re super-intense, angry, hostile and emotional. They over-react as if everything is a matter of life and death.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">They misunderstand, jump to conclusions and blow up and demand apologies.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Are perfectionistic, nit-picking, control freaks. They’re vindictive blamers. They take everything personally and remember forever.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Take over every situation or group. They act as if their drama is more important than anything else in the world. Nothing and nobody else matters; not even getting results.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Think that spewing of emotions reveals the “real” person. They’re uncomfortable with people they see as expressionless. To Drama Queens, loud emotions show strength; calm people are wimps.</span></li>
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<span style="line-height: 22px;">Yes, I've had my fair share of drama queens in my life too. They've misunderstood me, jumped to conclusions about me, and started rumors from THEIR misunderstanding. They are the most perfect people I know, with faults even they can't see. The emotional turmoil that they experience is above anything else that anyone else experiences. They are authentic and possess traits of integrity, except for when they say things like "Ill never abandon you", "Your secrets are safe with me", and "You're stuck with me forever"....just to disappear, abandon you and reveal your secrets to the world. </span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 22px;">Surprisingly, the most common advice I've received from both therapists and friends alike about how to deal with emotional bullies has been to "Just ignore them, they'll go away". Unfortunately, they won't. They get satisfaction from bullying you even if you don't respond. If you DO respond (which I regrettably did last week) they get an extra thrill from the evidence of their power over you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 22px;">I obviously don't have the answer on how to deal with emotional bullies, especially when it comes from people that you love dearly, but I will say this. I've radically accepted that they are happy being the way they are, with all the drama-queen behavior and their genuine self-inflicted pain. We can't change ANYONE, we can only change ourselves. So with that, I've learned to detach myself from those that emotionally bully me. <i><b>"Detachment is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement."</b></i> Al-Anon Member</span></span></div>
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Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-50809707987623776602012-10-24T17:04:00.001-07:002012-10-25T11:14:03.849-07:00Accepting the Unexpected...The Power of Encouragement!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I shared a picture with my twitter family of a very unexpected bouquet of flowers that I'd recently received. The flowers came on a day where both BPD and Depression were trying to take over. Additionally, I'd had a long day with a difficult and annoying individual!! For sure, I was looking for the Calgon to completely take me away. To my surprise, when I arrived home there was the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that I'd ever seen before. The card attached said "Hope these help to brighten up your day." My eyes lit up before they filled with tears. I was so overwhelmed and touched that someone thought enough of me, to even want to brighten my day. Funny thing is....it worked. My mood changed instantly. For some reason, I couldn't fathom that someone could actually believe in me! or that I made a difference in the life of someone. There we go with the BPD traits again, this time in particular the one involving identity. People that live with BPD often present identity disturbances which includes an unstable self-image or sense of self. <br />
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Today, I received the most encouraging email from a person that I least expected. I'm going to share the email in it's entirety...minus the name of the person that sent it. You'd have to know the person to understand the "drinking" humor, but that's what it is. The sincerity made me cry and the humor made me laugh. Either way...the encouragement made my heart smile, lifted my spirits and brightened my day.<br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b>Hi,</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b> I am so sorry that you are going through some rough times right now. I know how hard things can be and how dreadful the future can seem. But once you hit bottom, there is only one direction to go, and that's up. Recognizing you have a problem is half the battle; concentrating on getting healthy is easier once you know what demons you are trying to conquer.</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b> You are blessed, my dear with lots of positive attributes. You are very strong, have lots of close friends and are one of the most determined people I know. I didn't say stubborn, did I? Believe it or not, once you are on the other side of this, you will be an even stronger person. Sure, life has its way of throwing lots of nasty things at us but as is said very often, the Big Guy (or Gal) upstairs never gives us more than we can handle. And you are handling this with the dignity and determination that defines you.</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b> Here's what I would suggest-</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b> Concentrate on the bright side-there is always a bright side.</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b> Find your way around this-when a door is closed in your face, look for the window</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b> Stay busy and keep your mind active. Allowing yourself to wallow in the darkness is not recommended.</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b> Remember that you are not alone. No one is spared from the shit we all have to deal with.</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b> Drink heavily</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b> And most important-keep perspective and smile a lot (the drinking will help that).</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b> You'll be fine & I'm not at all worried about you.</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b> Be happy.</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b> Your friend,</b></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: xx-small;"><b> Xoxoxoxo</b></span></i></div>
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After reading that email, I received a call from my GodFather who was unaware of what has been going on in my life. You see, I wear that #BPD mask pretty well. Most people only see what I portray. I'm good at smiling on the outside while dying on the inside. He insisted that God put me on his heart and in his spirit---and he wouldn't hang up before I shared what was wrong. Before I knew it I broke down crying while trying to explain....all of the hurt and pain that I had been harboring poured out of me. When I got done I was empty...and that emptiness provided space for him to pour/speak life into my lifeless spirit!!! He assured me that he cared about me as well encouraged me immensely Because of who he is, however, he was the LAST person I'd expected to receive a call from. <br />
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I can't forget my biggest twitter cheerleader <a href="http://www.twitter.com/messyartoflvng">@messyartoflvng</a>. No matter what she's going through in her own life...she takes the time to lift me up and encourage me DAILY! It's so beneficial to have support and encouragement from others that can relate to what you're going through. Sometimes, all it takes is a simple tweet to change someones day...and more times than not, those tweets that change my day come from her! I'm so grateful that our paths crossed, and again...encouragement and motivation coming in the least expected form.<br />
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Encouragement doesn't take any special talent! Everyone can do it. Encouragement brings hope, healing and comfort to those that are downtrodden and experiencing the rough roads of "life". God has a way of sending the right people...at the right time. He gives us everything we need! Be open to receive what God has provided! It may not come in the package or the person you expected it from. All the encouragement and motivation that I've referenced has come in the least expected forms and from the people that I least expected it to come from.....I thank God that he placed me on their hearts. He continues to work things out for my good! Their encouragement has given me HOPE and therefore I'll continue to accept the unexpected!!!Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-74814574211286314622012-10-23T08:01:00.002-07:002012-10-24T08:07:53.651-07:00Strength & Courage: My First Inpatient Stay<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwsOZXctRblGshyphenhyphenB__c0h8W_8x0WhupCpiQhFAWXSysZG0pgzU2xeKyF-p55r3owUInZ5KwK1cTWyMBhJ8YrF23s_t6fi8GylKckNVVI1fU6OgRt_V8gaQbodDSSGPPCT6cKwux6IE4hx6/s1600/psychiatric-hospital4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwsOZXctRblGshyphenhyphenB__c0h8W_8x0WhupCpiQhFAWXSysZG0pgzU2xeKyF-p55r3owUInZ5KwK1cTWyMBhJ8YrF23s_t6fi8GylKckNVVI1fU6OgRt_V8gaQbodDSSGPPCT6cKwux6IE4hx6/s320/psychiatric-hospital4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Let's be honest with one another, if you ask most people what they think of when they hear mental institution, I'm sure you'll get a variety of common responses such as; straight jackets, crazy killers, padded walls/rooms, white coats, crazies, raving lunatics, and the stereotypical list goes on and on.<br />
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About 11.4 million adult Americans suffered from mental illness in the past year, while 2 million teens experienced a major depressive episode in the past year. YES, 1 in 5 Americans suffer from Mental Illness, so it's more common than you probably think! 60% of those suffering actually get treatment each year, and some of these treatments take place in an inpatient setting in mental hospitals/institutions! Being admitted to a mental institution or hospital is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength and courage to seek the help needed to overcome one's issues.<br />
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September 8, 2012---(taken directly from my journal)<br />
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<b><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">"I was literally, sitting on my bedroom floor, doing my normal Saturday morning cleaning. Out of NOWHERE, without warning, one tear fell, then another and another. Uncontrollable tears continued. My entire body was shaking. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I couldn't focus. I was unable to function. Was I having an anxiety attack? Everything that I had been dealing with totally consumed me, overtook me...I was helpless. Lifeless. Almost like an out of body experience. I had a mental breakdown."</span></i></b><br />
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Off to INOVA Fairfax Hospital I went. They quickly announced that they had a "SI" (Suicidal Individual) that had arrived. They threw me into an ER room, sat someone at the edge of my bed to watch me. A steady stream of nurses, psych liaisons, and doctors paraded in and out of my room. Asking the same questions over & over...problem was, INOVA didn't accept my insurance for inpatient mental health care, so they were in search for somewhere else to send me. After being at INOVA for 9 hours, it was off via ambulance to Dominion Hospital, this would be my home for the next 5 days. The advice I received from my psych liaison , Cara, for my first inpatient stay was: "There will be people that make you feel like you don't belong there, there will be people there that you may think don't belong there, keep your focus on you, and concentrate on getting better." This ended up being the best advice I could have received!<br />
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Upon arrival to Dominion (at 9PM) I did an intake interview, got searched, they took my cargo shorts (because of the strings) and all of my other personal belongings, handed me a hospital robe and I was led to my room. A stark white room, with two beds, two desks, two chairs and an in-suite bathroom. No, not the coziest of places. I cried myself to sleep that night, wondering how I ever ended up there, but also made a pact to myself to do everything I could to just "get better"...and I did. <br />
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Starting the next morning, I didn't miss ONE therapy group that was offered. I attended EVERYTHING, I was determined! The mornings usually started with a community meeting. This was a meeting where you shared your safety level, and a goal for the day as well as any emotions you were feeling. After breakfast began the sessions that were usually an hour long. Movement therapy, art therapy, music therapy, group sessions, individual sessions, dual diagnosis meetings, AA....I attended them <b>ALL</b>! It's safe to say, despite my temporary state of being I had an unusual determination to want to get better, and I made the most of stay at Dominion.<br />
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I think there are negatives and positives to everything in life. My time at Dominion was no different. <br />
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<li>They checked my room every 15 minutes, even throughout the entire night. Not the best place to get a good night's sleep...but there was a reason behind it needing to be done</li>
<li>I was in a mental hospital. There were psychotic people in there that needed help. One in particular banged on the walls in the hallway at 2AM until he got coffee. (again, no sleep)</li>
<li>The food was the pits, being the picky eater that I am I lost 6 pounds in 5 days! </li>
<li>There were good psych techs, and there were psych techs there simply to collect a paycheck. I think it takes special people, with great personalities & people skills to work in the mental health field. Sadly, most I came in contact with, severely lacked those skills. </li>
<li>You spend minimal time with the psychiatrist, who diagnoses you and places you on a medicine management plan after 5 or 10 minutes of conversation with you. How does that work??</li>
<li>Towels the size of wash cloths. I'm guessing they were eliminating anything that could be used to hang myself, but there were sheets on the bed, so I'm confused. </li>
<li>Visitation time was limited to ONE hour per day & two visitors per visitation.</li>
<li>No cell phones, iPads, electronics etc. While I HATED it (I'm a social media junkie), total disconnection was necessary to my recovery.</li>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVWhL0rcoQWpFCXNDN28N9Ou7mfoQ-qFWruXLBQMMAKyLqJ9u_t0EEdP-SzQ6hGdm68FD-Gmyad7UmK3o9T_4e6mfHcaCN7FgoycfL32UFdKlQjm9dssFaMrgFK9PJ2qF0n0kynOrdUP78/s1600/gift.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVWhL0rcoQWpFCXNDN28N9Ou7mfoQ-qFWruXLBQMMAKyLqJ9u_t0EEdP-SzQ6hGdm68FD-Gmyad7UmK3o9T_4e6mfHcaCN7FgoycfL32UFdKlQjm9dssFaMrgFK9PJ2qF0n0kynOrdUP78/s200/gift.jpg" width="118" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My friend Yvette bought me this gift during her visit.</td></tr>
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Despite the negatives, I was still to able to come away with a great deal of information that was sure to help me once I was released. Coping and breathing skills are essential skills to possess when dealing with and regulating BPD. Since emotion dysregulation is one of the main traits of BPD, building skills to manage these emotions when they arise is important. I walked away from each session having acquired new relaxation exercises, mindful meditation practices, and self-help strategies that would help me for the rest of my life.<br />
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All in all, I am grateful for the services that were provided at Dominion. I was in a dark place that I would have never been able to navigate my way out of....without help. Upon admission, my safety level was a ONE...which basically meant I was a danger to myself. I felt as though the weight of the world had come crashing down upon me, and I didn't know how to cope. I was tired of trying, tired of crying. I didn't know how to dig myself out of the massive mess that life had created....that I'd created. Inside I was dying, so I wanted to end life totally---it seemed to be the easiest thing to do. Easier than facing the challenges head on. I've never been a quitter though, and no matter how life kept burying me alive, I continued to rise! Different people have different perspectives on how effective mental institutions are. My first stay was definitely a life saving experience. Varying results can be based on how much work you're able to put into getting to that "better place". I was determined to give it my all, and I did. The hard work paid off, and in the end, despite the negatives---I walked away a stronger and wiser person. <br />
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Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-6184798366365218822012-10-18T09:12:00.001-07:002012-10-18T09:53:13.210-07:00Regrets & Regression...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So, last week...I started writing a blog on my first inpatient stay at Dominion Mental Hospital. For sure, it triggered me. Before I could catch myself I had quickly slipped back into the dark place that I've fought so hard to get out of. I was screaming at myself in my head...."<b>NOOOOOO, you're going BACKWARDS!!! WRONG WAY!!!!"</b> I felt ashamed that I had regressed after spending so much time, effort and energy on getting to a better place, and seeing life more clearly. This clearer view of life is more easily accomplished when I'm in an inpatient setting, or even when enrolled in a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP), where I'm for the most part shielded from the triggers that send me tumbling. Unfortunately, I can't spend the rest of my life in inpatient or in PHP. I must somehow- at some point, properly adjust to life without the security of those programs. How do I exert the same confidence and self-assurance that I had in inpatient & PHP when I'm thrust back into the real world, the world full of my triggers....the world where I spend more time regretting things that I can't change?<br />
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I woke up Wednesday morning in tears...full of regret. Full of remorse. Full of shame. Full of sorrow. Full of hurt. How did I get here SO quickly after having weeks of progress? I thought that I had radically accepted some of the things I can't change...but suddenly I began to doubt myself. I suddenly realized that my "hope" for certain situations to be better in my life was diminishing. Was this diminishing hope the reason for my regression? I was confused. I posed a question to my twitter #BPDFriends asking whether or not having "hope" prevents "acceptance." My twitter friend <a href="http://www.twitter.com/messyartoflvng">@messyartoflvng</a> always has the best responses...she responded, "As Long as you accept that hope does not change the fact that something is as it is." In that moment I instantly felt relieved but regret continued to follow me throughout the day.<br />
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For most of my life, I've tried not to live with regrets. Everything in life happens for a reason, and I try to learn the lessons from the seasons rather than regret. Over the last few years, I've actually developed a few regrets, even though I've gained a tremendous amount of practical and life experiences from these seasons. I had to come to the understanding that living with regret isn't a sign of weakness. There is nothing wrong with wishing I had never done something, it only reminds me that I have high expectations of myself, and that I can do better!!!<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b><i> <span style="background-color: white;">“If we have goals and dreams and want to do our best. If we really love people and don’t want to hurt them, we should feel pain when things go wrong,” - Kathryn Schulz</span></i></b></span><br />
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So how do I learn to transition from the security of inpatient/PHP...I must live one minute at a time. One minute eventually leads to one day at a time.It sounds like a simple concept, but really in my life with BPD, I've found this challenging. I've often times been so concerned about what's going to happen in the future, that I forget to take care of me in the here and now. For sure, I've come SO far. I've actually learned to not allow my moments of darkness to completely consume me and my day. I deal with the dark moments as they come and I try with everything that's in me...NOT to allow those moments to turn into days. I begin and end my day in prayer, and I don't pick the previous day's darkness up the next day. I've surrounded myself with like-minded people that understand me & this disorder. I keep all therapy and coaching appointments. I take all medication as prescribed. I attend on-line & in person Al-Anon meetings. I am doing EVERYTHING I can....to get to a better place for ME. My past mistakes don't define me, neither do my temporary moments of darkness. So with that, I'm encouraged to continue pressing on.....One minute at a time!Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-68514040740088612982012-10-15T11:25:00.000-07:002012-10-15T11:26:18.362-07:00I Made It Through Another Day's Journey...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I started writing a blog last week about my first inpatient stay. Needless to say, it triggered so many emotions, and before I knew it...I had pummeled into a dark place, yet again! <br />
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I reached out to my Mom, who has been a God sent on this portion of my journey and she put things in perspective with one little sentence. "Markeeda, you're going to have these days---at least it isn't EVERY DAY." She's right, three months ago....or even a month ago....I had these dark days EVERY DAY...so as I look at how far I've come, I realize that I may not be where I want to be, but I thank God I'm not where I was. <br />
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I re-tweeted a powerful tweet the other day that pretty much summed up my sentiments in my last blog post about being understood.<i><b> "I want someone that understands how much they affect my moods/emotions & takes that into consideration."</b></i><br />
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Then it hit me...While I want to be understood by everyone, there ARE people in my life that DO understand and support me. While I want some of the people of my past to reassure me, new people are being brought into my life to help me through this phase. While I want to heal broken family relationships, I realize that I spent 18 years being groomed for this very time. While life isn't ALL that I want it to be, I've made it through another day's journey....and miles ahead of where I was last month, cause I'm still HERE! #Perspective<br />
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I just want to quickly encourage someone today...that can't see their way out of the darkness---that better days are coming. It WILL get better, just hold on, as tight as you can, and DON'T LET GO! Don't GIVE UP!!! I promise you, trouble doesn't last always....it WILL get better!!!!<br />
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I had to take a few days to regroup after halfway finishing the blog about my first inpatient stay, but I'll finish it this week for sure!<br />
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<br />Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-42493395598095925512012-10-12T08:19:00.000-07:002012-10-12T09:19:10.349-07:00I Just Want To Be Understood<br />
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I originally started this blog in a quest to be understood. There were people in my life, that I unintentionally inflicted hurt and pain upon and I had a need and a want to be understood. While I fundamentally understood their point of view, I didn't feel as though they were as open to understanding mine, which led to feelings of invalidation and rejection . I'm not sure if this is the general consensus of all those that are living with BPD, but every day I think to myself..."what if" they just understood. They being the non-borderline people in my life. The people who I love, the people that I've hurt, my family, my friends..."what if" they understood me---understood this disorder, my life would be so much more manageable.<br />
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I read a blog from my twitter friend <a href="http://www.twitter.com/messyartoflvng">@Messyartoflvng </a>that made me think of this even more. In her blog, she said "I feel like I need help in a safe place with people that understand this mindset, these issues and the ridiculous things I do because of them."<br />
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I saw a tweet from Iyanla Vanzant yesterday, that said if you want Iyanla to fix your relationship....go fill out this form. I of course, rushed to the link with expediency! Of course I want Iyanla to fix ALL that I've recently lost...but then the shame consumed me. The shame of having BPD, and the shame of having to share that with the world, in the unlikely event that I was even chosen. I realized that maybe even Iyanla wouldn't understand me, and that temporarily deterred me from applying. My wise mind (DBT still at work) showed up, and I actually did fill out the form. NO MORE shame!!!<br />
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Sometimes, it saddens me that the only people that seem to understand me, are the other people that suffer from this disorder just as I do. I want the non-borderline's in my life to <b>UNDERSTAND</b>!! Perhaps I'm the one that really doesn't understand...or perhaps I have an unrealistic expectation from people that claim to love me...<br />
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I'm trying to radically accept that everybody won't understand everything, but I'm going to be honest. I haven't mastered that acceptance and I seriously struggle with this daily. On an emotional level, being misunderstood causes me an enormous amount of frustration and pain. <br />
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<b>I want them to understand</b>, that even though I unintentionally hurt them, I hurt too. My hurt is often times what they are feeling, intensified by 1000. I DO feel shame and guilt as a result of my actions, and I feel it more intensely than most! Hypersensitivity, it's REAL.<br />
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<b>I want them to understand</b> , that although my false-self manifested it's way into the world via my relationships---what was real was my authentic self. (A.J. Mahari) My love was authentic. I'm slowly but surely finding my true self, and I'm giving it more credence than my false self....<br />
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<b>I want them to understand</b>, I am NOT my diagnosis. People diagnosed with BPD, that seek professional help DO get better. I'm doing my part, I just want you to support me. Don't abandon me as I make every effort to beat this thing!<br />
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<b>I want them to</b>, separate the person from the disorder. Love me, but hate BPD. If you took the time to educate yourself about the disorder you may understand better. Understanding sometimes leads to compassion. Compassion goes a long way!<br />
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<b>I want them to understand</b>, the absolutely absurd, unnecessary and ridiculous things that I did because of this disorder. I've lied, and often times became the person I thought you wanted me to be in an attempt to gain your love and affection. This doesn't mean I haven't changed. The more I love myself, the more I learn that it's OK to unashamedly be my flawed self.<br />
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<b>I want them to understand</b>, that I've suffered from a lack of self-worth, self-love, and self-esteem for pretty much all of my life. These issues won't be corrected overnight, but I'm committed and dedicated to long term help! I don't want you to save me, I simply want you to stand by as I save myself. If you're absent, how will you know the positive changes that I'm making in my life?<br />
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<b>I want them to understand</b>, that the silent treatment is a brutal form of emotional abuse. Being ignored is honestly the worst feeling ever. Your ignoring me is a form of punishment for having a mental illness that I'm working hard to control.<br />
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<b>I want them to understand</b>, that lying helped me to avoid the pain. Therapy has helped me face the pain. DBT has helped in dealing with my emotions surrounding the pain. <br />
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<b>I want them to understand,</b> that I wanted/needed to connect with a reality that was better than mine...good or bad. Now I'm facing my reality, and I realize that my life, purpose and future are worth fighting for.<br />
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<b>I want them to understand</b>, that I'm not a bad person, I'm not a monster, I'm not crazy. I have Borderline. I'm a human being, with real feelings. I'm discovering who I REALLY am, and although it's taken 37 years for it to happen, better late than never. <br />
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<b><u>I just want more than anything to be understood.....</u></b></div>
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<br />Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-4193299999999973892012-10-11T11:19:00.000-07:002012-10-11T11:19:16.936-07:00"Back From The Edge"<b><i>"Back from the Edge"</i></b> is a documentary on BPD done by the New York Presbyterian Hospital.<br />
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It's pretty lengthy (48 min long), and I'm sure only people REALLY interested in learning more about BPD and about those of us that live with it will actually watch it in it's entirety. For those not interested in watching, I outlined a few points below, especially those relative to MY life living with BPD. Enjoy!<br />
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"People with BPD experience emotions more intensely than others."<br />
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"People with BPD tend to be very dependent and clingy."<br />
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"You can't have interpersonal relationships if you're not emotionally stable."<br />
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"People thought I had everything together...they thought everything was perfect because that's how I appeared to the world"<br />
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"Felt like a Chameleon-there is a sense of not knowing who you are. I was being who other people wanted me to or expected me to be."<br />
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" I was becoming someone else so people would like me...therefore being a part of something. I didn't know how to be."<br />
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"People with BPD often times conform to what they think other people want from them."<br />
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"People with BPD need other people to regulate them. The relationships that they form often times breathe life into them"<br />
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"Absences or separations from the relationships that they form are catastrophic in their significance...like they don't exist themselves."<br />
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"People with Bordeline don't know they are being manipulative."<br />
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"Manipulation assumes a person has the skills to think and then execute a plan. Manipulation in that sense can't be applied to people with BPD."<br />
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"I had physical aggression, NOT against anyone."<br />
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"As I began to feel more and more worthless as a person, I began to feel people would be better off without me."<br />
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"People with the disorder find great relief from being diagnosed."<br />
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"BPD is an imminently treatable disorder. Patients can be helped...have a good chance to get better."<br />
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"BPD is a disorder of relations. Recovery involves getting back into communities and having relationships, tolerating the stress and building a life for yourself again."<br />
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"People with this disorder get better!!!!"<br />
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For loved ones of someone living with BPD..."Participate in therapy. Get to know what's going on and what to expect"<br />
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"Recovery is not a sprint, but a long distance race."<br />
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"...The will and desire to confront what's going on with yourself. If you confront it, things will be so much better. It takes faith and trust in the people around you to admit having something so stigmatized and then put yourself in their hands and say please help."<br />
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<br />Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-31387753846126079202012-10-10T09:23:00.002-07:002012-10-10T11:25:08.278-07:00World Mental Health Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Today is World Mental Health Day!<br />
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I encourage everyone to educate themselves about mental health issues that affect millions of people all over the world. This year's theme is "Depression: A Global Crisis." <br />
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This theme is very dear and close to my heart. Depression affects more than 350 million people worldwide that spans across all ages, races, genders, tax brackets, and it is evident in all of our communities.<br />
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Depression can lead one down a very dark road, that is extremely difficult to navigate out of, without proper support and help. I myself have suffered through bouts of severe depression, and know first hand how debilitating the illness is and how it can negatively affect every aspect of your life, and how it can sometimes lead to suicide or suicide attempts. I've been there. It's REAL...and not something that the person suffering with can just "snap out of." While we have all experienced episodes of feeling sad or blue, everyone hasn't experienced clinical depression. <br />
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During my latest battle with depression, I lost 30+ pounds in a matter of months. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I was irritable and agitated, hopeless, making bad decisions....all I could feel was the overwhelming and intense sadness & emptiness that was constantly accompanied by crying and eventually led to a suicide attempt. Not a day's worth of tears, but this went on DAILY for more than a month. I got all of the normal insensitive comments from lots of people...things like: snap out of it...refocus...you took your eye off of God, etc. These people simply weren't educated on the fact that depression is a REAL issue, and snapping out of it, is not remotely reality.<br />
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Even in the world of celebrities. This year alone, our world has been rocked by the suicide deaths of British film director <b>Tony Scott, </b>former NFL player <b>Junior Seau, </b>and<b> </b>current NFL Player <b>O.J Murdock. </b> These celebrities lived lives that "normal" people would die to live. Yet they were themselves dying inside....suffering from depression that the "normal" people simply don't get.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px;">So today, I urge you to familiarize yourself with the symptoms of depression! If you or a loved one experience 5 or more of these symptoms, reach out for help! Help is often times, just a phone call away. For me, help came in the form of an emergency room visit...if you don't have insurance, I urge you to take that route. They won't turn you away!!!</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px;">According to the National Institute of </span><a chronic_id="" directive="friendlyurl" href="http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/default.htm" object_type="" path="/webmdhttp://www.webmd.com/mental-health/default.htm" style="background-color: white; color: #3789b9; font-family: Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px; outline: none; text-decoration: none;">Mental Health</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px;">, symptoms of depression may include the following:</span><br />
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<li style="background-image: url(http://css.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/modules/linksListTOC_bullet.gif); background-position: 0px 4px; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; list-style-type: none; padding: 0px 0px 6px 15px;">Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions</li>
<li style="background-image: url(http://css.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/modules/linksListTOC_bullet.gif); background-position: 0px 4px; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; list-style-type: none; padding: 0px 0px 6px 15px;">Fatigue and decreased energy</li>
<li style="background-image: url(http://css.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/modules/linksListTOC_bullet.gif); background-position: 0px 4px; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; list-style-type: none; padding: 0px 0px 6px 15px;">Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness</li>
<li style="background-image: url(http://css.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/modules/linksListTOC_bullet.gif); background-position: 0px 4px; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; list-style-type: none; padding: 0px 0px 6px 15px;">Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism</li>
<li style="background-image: url(http://css.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/modules/linksListTOC_bullet.gif); background-position: 0px 4px; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; list-style-type: none; padding: 0px 0px 6px 15px;">Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping</li>
<li style="background-image: url(http://css.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/modules/linksListTOC_bullet.gif); background-position: 0px 4px; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; list-style-type: none; padding: 0px 0px 6px 15px;">Irritability, restlessness</li>
<li style="background-image: url(http://css.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/modules/linksListTOC_bullet.gif); background-position: 0px 4px; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; list-style-type: none; padding: 0px 0px 6px 15px;">Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex</li>
<li style="background-image: url(http://css.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/modules/linksListTOC_bullet.gif); background-position: 0px 4px; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; list-style-type: none; padding: 0px 0px 6px 15px;">Overeating or appetite loss</li>
<li style="background-image: url(http://css.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/modules/linksListTOC_bullet.gif); background-position: 0px 4px; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; list-style-type: none; padding: 0px 0px 6px 15px;">Persistent aches or pains, <a chronic_id="" directive="friendlyurl" href="http://www.webmd.com/migraines-headaches/default.htm" object_type="" path="/webmdhttp://www.webmd.com/migraines-headaches/default.htm" style="color: #3789b9; outline: none; text-decoration: none;">headaches</a>, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment</li>
<li style="background-image: url(http://css.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/modules/linksListTOC_bullet.gif); background-position: 0px 4px; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; list-style-type: none; padding: 0px 0px 6px 15px;">Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings</li>
<li style="background-image: url(http://css.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/modules/linksListTOC_bullet.gif); background-position: 0px 4px; background-repeat: no-repeat no-repeat; list-style-type: none; padding: 0px 0px 6px 15px;">Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts</li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">It's difficult to watch someone you love battle depression. If you do have a loved one that's suffering from, or struggling with depression, I'd like to offer these three little things you can do that may help.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">1. <b> Ask questions</b>: People with depression often times feel lonely and isolated. Once they feel you are concerned or are aware of what they are dealing with, sometimes they are more open or apt to speak about their feelings.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">2. </span><b style="line-height: 16px;">Listen</b><span style="line-height: 16px;">: More than likely, a person that's depressed will tell you things that will probably scare you. (IE: speak of suicide or self harm) Be supportive, non-judgmental, and really LISTEN to what they are saying. They more than likely really want to be heard, and aren't necessarily speaking to you for advice. Validate their feelings and let them know they aren't alone.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 16px;">3. <b>Encourage them to seek professional help</b>: The depressed person has to want to help him or herself!!! Gently encourage them to seek professional help. You may assist with finding therapists, doctors, etc...but they should be they ones making the actual calls.</span></span></div>
Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-60151859631763746852012-10-09T08:39:00.001-07:002012-10-13T13:54:43.296-07:00Life Goes On...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_Zxa3cb6lpSGaq_X0HyFsn9y36vimivR_0OErZDBpLDqre9PMPojxbubiBXSdOeaYrTpuzg5fcwI-cDGASOgHbqz43gWLsjEb7PXT00RqSZvBROk8jnNxFAx9fwnjl2WntWyaZI9eWB49/s1600/life_goes_on_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><br /></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_Zxa3cb6lpSGaq_X0HyFsn9y36vimivR_0OErZDBpLDqre9PMPojxbubiBXSdOeaYrTpuzg5fcwI-cDGASOgHbqz43gWLsjEb7PXT00RqSZvBROk8jnNxFAx9fwnjl2WntWyaZI9eWB49/s1600/life_goes_on_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_Zxa3cb6lpSGaq_X0HyFsn9y36vimivR_0OErZDBpLDqre9PMPojxbubiBXSdOeaYrTpuzg5fcwI-cDGASOgHbqz43gWLsjEb7PXT00RqSZvBROk8jnNxFAx9fwnjl2WntWyaZI9eWB49/s200/life_goes_on_large.jpg" width="200" /></a>I neglected to say in my last two posts, that I never in a million years would have thought that "I" would be suffering from a mental illness. People generally look at me as accomplished, well off, successful, and skilled in my profession. No matter the accolades I received, I still felt like a failure, inadequate, insecure and never quite good enough; but that goes right back to the signs of BPD---an unstable self image or sense of self.<br />
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<strong>I DID NOT</strong> know I that had BPD when I've built any of the friendships I have had over my lifetime, or when I cultivated the relationships throughout my life, or even with the rise and demise of my marriage, I was CLUELESS. Had I known, I would have certainly revealed that information...as a precaution to ANYONE that attempted to form any type of relationship with me. This is no different than if I had an infectious disease that could possibly put someone else at risk, I'd reveal. But I didn't know, and I didn't intentionally build a friendship to hurt or betray. In FACT, in this particular instance (with my friend), I actually set out to do what God urged me to do, and that was sow into her life finacially. Had I stuck with doing ONLY what he said do, I would have probably saved everyone, including myself a lot of pain. <br />
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What I did know.... I knew that I didn't befriend people often, but when I did...the connections would be extremely intense. I knew that my inner circle was more like a dot, than an actual circle, outside of the childhood friends I made, there weren't others...but I chalked that up to my being extremely shy, introverted, quiet and private. This no doubt came from how I was raised. What I saw going on in my household, was NOT to be repeated....and I didn't. I in turn grew up to be watchful but quiet. <br />
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It troubled me ALOT that my friend felt as though I came into her life to intentionally hurt and betray her....with a mental illness that I didn't even KNOW existed at the time. I've since had to radically accept (DBT at work) that I can't change what people think or feel about me.<br />
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So....Life after diagnosis.<br />
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I must say that I've spent an enormous amount of time and money working on getting to a better place after my diagnosis. My BPD diagnosis was coupled with a severe depression diagnosis, thus resulting in a few inpatient stays, as well as PHP. My first night in inpatient, as I cried myself to sleep, I told myself that I was greater than my struggles...and I was going to fight my way back to ME. I've put in the work, and though the road is extremely long, and I have ages before full recovery...I have HOPE that one day I'll get there. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiddCuNRomFgbhP6hROGnKcDLgSUVdaVvGnJx2f1CtpuP6S_oay01iyp8CqllBE_Cm8bSbQVZemz5taBbPu6E4IgrFZpiS7lvW2LAmShOX9l0hn0zgRtMNQaPfedI61R5sug06sMFjtPMNB/s1600/support-system1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiddCuNRomFgbhP6hROGnKcDLgSUVdaVvGnJx2f1CtpuP6S_oay01iyp8CqllBE_Cm8bSbQVZemz5taBbPu6E4IgrFZpiS7lvW2LAmShOX9l0hn0zgRtMNQaPfedI61R5sug06sMFjtPMNB/s200/support-system1.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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I can't do it alone though, and I learned from one of my in-patient stays that when you have no friend/family support, you have to rely on your formal support system...and I have a FORMAL support system that helps me every step of the way. You're not supposed to keep a good thing to yourself, so today...I'll share where MY help comes from:<br />
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1. <strong> GOD</strong><br />
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2. My Psychatrist- Dr. Jamuna Raju, Arlington VA<br />
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3. My Psychologist- Dr. Rose Merchant, Clinton MD<br />
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4. My Life Coach (just added)- Tiffany Taylor, <a href="http://www.twitter.com/TiffanyLael">@TiffanyLael</a><br />
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5. Outpatient DBT Team at The Retreat at Sheppard Pratt, Baltimore MD<br />
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6. The BEST DAILY BPD help ever from Debbie Corso, <a href="http://www.twitter.com/healingfrombpd">@healingfrombpd</a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnRdNd_pD1Rj-isXB8eTSNrytD99ABTwPjkaukghihqRpQ-HwRUFewiO5nty41XqyvoDpLtz6_zWn4v0R_MOeZEeuNrEwaRHWFRJMIF6mYMl9q4iocuTB_hYxrCOkhBic-TBUpkroHWqhF/s1600/IMAG1998.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnRdNd_pD1Rj-isXB8eTSNrytD99ABTwPjkaukghihqRpQ-HwRUFewiO5nty41XqyvoDpLtz6_zWn4v0R_MOeZEeuNrEwaRHWFRJMIF6mYMl9q4iocuTB_hYxrCOkhBic-TBUpkroHWqhF/s200/IMAG1998.jpg" width="119" /></a>Currently I'm on 40 MG of Celexa, 25MG of Doxepin, 600 MG of Trileptal daily and 25 MG of Sonata daily---and Ativan as needed for Anxiety. I meet with my psychiatrist monthly to assess the effectiveness of my meds. I attend weekly sessions of psychotherapy with my psychologist. Weekly DBT sessions, both individual and group. I have monthly sessions with my life coach. I get DAILY doses of inspiration, encouragement and tips for living with BPD from Debbie via twitter and facebook.<br />
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Well, that's all for now #BPDFriends...please know, that you're NEVER ALONE! We're in this thing together!<br />
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<br />Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-35241443554049835302012-10-06T10:17:00.002-07:002012-10-13T13:50:01.962-07:00Understanding BPD....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWFXEFbl68qeDIBxQQ9Dzh12srLvm6_UbtdqWRvbpShT0cstpzGExIASGYzVtk7Xjfg0ea976cMNq547QTodsE174kc0KxiLEWF5Din5vacxaArORUFYd3a6PfROSa1-xCX2O65FfGYpIu/s1600/photo+(3).JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWFXEFbl68qeDIBxQQ9Dzh12srLvm6_UbtdqWRvbpShT0cstpzGExIASGYzVtk7Xjfg0ea976cMNq547QTodsE174kc0KxiLEWF5Din5vacxaArORUFYd3a6PfROSa1-xCX2O65FfGYpIu/s320/photo+(3).JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
So...two months after my initial diagnosis, my friend began dating someone very close to me. As they began courting and dating a lot of information was revealed about me that completely shocked her. I was NOT the person that she thought I was. There were inconsistencies (let's call a spade a spade, they were lies) and major exaggerations about my life that she couldn't even begin to understand. Who was this person that she thought she knew? Most people with BPD wear masks...we become who we think you want us to be, and we hide our true selves out of fear of rejection. I can honestly say this really WAS me. The professional world calls us manipulative, liars, and narcissists....but sometimes, we really don't even know our reality from the lies. None of what I did or said was done intentionally to hurt or betray her, in fact, they were totally unconscious acts, but I fell into the BPD cycle, and began to continue living this lie out of the fear that if she knew who I REALLY was, she would abandon me, and I was correct. Abandonment Sensitivity is just one of the apparent signs of a person living with BPD. Often times, when we perceive we are being abandoned, we behave in desperate frantic ways in an attempt to avoid the abandonment. For sure, with her....I did. I begged her not to leave me or give up on me.<br />
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She was furious to know that I had indeed lied to her about portions of my life. NOT my upbringing, NOT what I've suffered through most of my life....but about superficial things that were irrelevant to even lie about. She lives a life that's based on truth and authenticity, and I invaded her life and her space with immorality and lies. <br />
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Understandably so, she was too angry to ever really listen to what I attempted to explain. There was always anger and consternation in her voice when I tried to call. She placed a lot of blame, which I deserved...but she was blinded by her anger, and I never got an opportunity to explain or reveal. Not that she would have believed me at that point anyway, I'd spent almost two years living a semi-lie. I tried desperately to get her to speak with my psychiatrist, so that someone other than ME could tell her about the hell that I had been living, but to no avail. It was too late. I had betrayed beyond repair, and I was left feeling hopeless and empty. Left to struggle with overcoming not only BPD, but also surviving the severe depression that resulted from losing both her (as well as the person she had begun to date.). Finally my worst fears were realized. My life was shattered in a million pieces, and I couldn't even BEGIN to see how I was to go on.<br />
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Even as I entered the recovery process for depression....and healing from BPD, I realized I still had a LONG way to go! Often times, people with BPD abandon people, before they abandon them. This was no different for me. In one of my emotional impulses, I deleted her (and all her friends) from my Facebook account, and Instagram. There was no purpose in it, other than to shut her out of my life, before she could shut me out of hers. People with BPD are so emotional sometimes, we get impulsive...and do anything to relieve the pain. What often feels like something "small" to the normal person is often magnified and intensified to us...intense emotions such as fear, hurt, anxiety, anger, sadness, and shame can last for hours or days.<br />
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People who suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder often have histories of intense relationships that begin and end very suddenly....LORD, am I a witness to THIS!<br />
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I say all this to say...it's so important for the non-borderline people in our lives to get educated about this mental illness, because sometimes....education leads to understanding, and understanding sometimes leads to compassion. I truly wish all the victims that have come into contact with someone that is living with BPD would seek to be educated as well....not as a means of reconciliation and restoration per say, but as that final piece to the puzzle of healing. Sometimes, if you really understood WHY people do the things that they do.....it helps in the healing process. I'm EXTREMELY sorry, for the lives I've ruined because of this..to the people I've hurt, betrayed and let down. I can repair some of those relationships, but the ones I can't, I accept my role in why it can't be repaired. I plan to do open letters to the people in my life that I've hurt, but I need more internet time than I'm currently afforded to get that done.<br />
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I'm not suggesting that I deserve a "get out of jail free" card, because ultimately....no matter what disorder I have, there are always choices to be made, and I made HORRIBLE ones. My diagnosis and discovery doesn't absolve me of ANY of my indiscretions. There are consequences to EVERY choice we make, and I'm learning to live with the consequences of my actions. BUT, I just want to be understood...and not mislabeled as a horrible person, as a monster, as a nightmare.....because although I made horrible decisions that negatively affected the life of another, those labels about me simply aren't true, or fair. The biggest misconception and label that has been placed on me is that I was a physical threat to my friend. A physical threat to myself, YES. Bringing harm, or a physical threat to her or others, NEVER. It saddens me that people sometimes tend to invalidate my pain, and claim that my mental illness isn't real. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...but try it for a day, or even an hour. You'll see it's very real.<br />
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What I am, is a strong person...that's battling to understand who I am. Every day is a struggle, but I am determined more than ever to regain my life! I understand that I have self-identity issues, self-esteem issues, self-worth issues, and self-love issues. These issues are from deeply rooted childhood problems. But, as I think, I'm proud of myself for going through what "normal" people couldn't even handle. I'm proud of how strong I am, and how much ability I have to cope with emotional pain. I am...a strong, amazing, beautiful soul.......that's well on my way to a long road that ends with full recovery.<br />
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My next blog will outline my current treatment regimine, my formal support team, and where I am on this journey.<br />
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Lastly...I'll leave you with this video, that explains a little how I'm feeling today! To all my #BPDBuddies, you are NOT Alone!!!!!<br />
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<br />Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6543113058563015551.post-11159460914261973652012-10-04T15:58:00.000-07:002012-10-05T16:23:15.843-07:00Boderline Personality Disorder (BPD)<h2>
<span style="font-size: x-large;">My BPD Story....</span></h2>
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This past July, I encountered a situation where I did something TOTALLY out of character. A friend of mine began dating a guy. Prior to this, my friend and I were pretty much inseparable. We spoke on the phone several times a day, messaged one another incessantly, visited often and texting was pretty much an every day event too. As she began to date, I felt her pull away from me....and I literally lost my mind. I made EVERY attempt at making SURE she didn't "leave me". You may be reading this, and thinking like most---that I was crazy, but THIS is the life INSIDE of someone living with BPD. You see, people living with BPD often make<strong><em> frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. </em></strong>Whether it was real or imagined, I felt as though she wasn't paying attention to me anymore. She wasn't calling as often, not texting much, and my frequent visits were now in question because there was someone ELSE in here life that also needed to visit. I was consumed with fear and anger, yet again another symptom of living with BPD, <strong><em>inappropriate, intense anger</em></strong>...and I did some things to hurt her, before she could hurt me. I packed every single item that I had stored at her home, and I took it with me. You see, people with BPD live in black or white....there is no grey in our worlds. Either she was gonna be my friend...or she wasn't---there was NO in between, in MY mind....she couldn't be my friend AND have a happy life of her own. <br />
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So I left- heartbroken that she hadn't chosen ME over her own happiness, and she was left wondering WTF was going on in my "crazy ass" head. What neither of us realized at the time, was that I was suffering from BPD...and all of the BPD "catch phrases" were evident in that situation. I repeatedly asked her not to leave me, not to give up on me, I panicked and ran outside after her barefoot when all she wanted to do was take a walk to clear her head.....in MY mind, she was leaving me. People with BPD tend to do <strong>ANYTHING</strong>, just so you won't leave them.<br />
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She was noticeably more distant after that incident, and I once again panicked. I immediately recognized an increase in impulsive behavior on my part, but emotionally, I shut down. I kept it all in. I fell into a depression. I didn't eat. Panic attacks were increasing. I fainted from dehydration. Hospital visits were frequent...this was NO way to live. I immediately began to seek answers as to WHY I was behaving so erratically. I had been seeing a therapist for some time, regarding childhood stuff that I've been trying to overcome in my adult life...but this situation was SERIOUS. I didn't even know who I was...and I didn't like it.<br />
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I was met with opposition. It seemed as if NO psychiatrist in the entire Washington DC area were accepting new clients...the BEST psychiatrists had waiting lists and weren't scheduling appointments until 3 months away. But God dropped a gem into my lap...and she opened up a whole new world for me as I was properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This probably should have been the point at which I shared my diagnosis with my friend. I was too ashamed. The stigma behind people with mental illnesses are vast, and I didn't want to be offically labelled as "crazy"...she had in fact called me that several times, and I didn't want her to think that she was right. So I hid my diagnosis, and suffered in silence, hoping that I could get meds and therapy, and make it all better (or make it go away) before she caught on. Truth is, there is no cure for BPD...no magic pill...and it's something I'm stuck with for the rest of my life. Many people actually go on to live healthy lives with proper medication management and therapy. I personally do psychotherapy in addition to DBT (individual & group) and just added a life coach!<br />
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At some point, I'll reveal my ENTIRE formal support team...all my doctors, hospital inpatient care facilities, etc....but today is about BPD education.<br />
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What is BPD?? I'm glad you asked!! (info from Mayo Clinic)<br />
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<em>Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave. </em><br />
<em>Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include: </em><br />
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<li><em>Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, promiscuity , gambling sprees, compulsive spending or illegal drug use</em></li>
<li><em>Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it</em></li>
<li><em>Wide mood swings</em></li>
<li><em>Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression</em></li>
<li><em>Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights</em></li>
<li><em>Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses</em></li>
<li><em>Suicidal behavior</em></li>
<li><em>Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless</em></li>
<li><em>Fear of being alone</em></li>
<li><em>Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing</em></li>
</ul>
<em>When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. Your self-image, self-identity or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes you may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals and values. </em><br />
<em>Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty accepting gray areas — things seem to be either black or white. </em><br />
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In my next blog, I'll fast forward to what happened two months AFTER my diagnosis...how I hit rock bottom, how my worst fears were realized, how I lost just about everything that mattered to me...and how I hated BPD for ruining my life---THIS made me fight even harder to beat this thing, and take control back over my life!<br />
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Lastly, I'll leave you with this video that I feel NAILS what it feels like living with BPD. I couldn't have made a better video....it explains EVERYTHING I've felt over the past few years of my life. If you're living with BPD....you are NOT alone!<br />
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Markeeda Spencerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15703799708741881795noreply@blogger.com0