Progress...DBT Skills to the TEST!

Do you know the pure satisfaction and sense of accomplishment you get when you're able to cross something off of your "To Do" list?  No matter how small and insignificant...you've made progress and that is sometimes a GREAT feeling!!! 
Yesterday morning as I was enjoying some rare quiet time with my S/O, I was jolted by several text messages advising me to check my Facebook page.  Against my better judgement, I pulled myself out of bed and did just that.  I was instantly triggered by what I read...and quickly responded to what I felt was an unprovoked attack.  ALL of my DBT skills went out the window...NO WiseMind. NO Mindfulness.  NO Radical Acceptance. No Mindful breaths. WHOA!!!  What just happened???  Everything I had learned and practiced for the last six months seemingly were gone, POOF---in a matter of seconds.  I felt dejected.  I felt like a failure. 

After about an hour of texting, emailing and obsessing ...my S/O had FINALLY had enough.  He snatched my iPad and phone and gently but sternly said "ENOUGH."  He told me to get dressed because we were going OUT.  I huffed and threw a semi-tantrum, because my plan was to spend a quiet day at HOME, together.   He handed me 2 cubes of ice, and quietly walked away.  He realized before I did the path that I was taking and lovingly steered me back to the road of recovery.  I'm thankful for a companion that has taken the time to LEARN about my mental illness and ALSO how to help me navigate through it.  He was helping me to practice my #DBT distraction skills...before I even knew what was going on. 

DBT has taught me that during a crisis, I can engage in activities that will help to distract me from my distress...and I can also distract with other physical sensations (IE: the ice cubes shook me out of my distressed feelings).  On our way out to the mall and lunch...he had me describe in detail exactly how I envision our trip to Tahiti will be.  YET AGAIN, another technique that uses POSITIVE mental imagery---allowing OTHER thoughts to pass through my mind, to give myself and my mind a reprieve from the other MESS that I had experienced earlier in the  day. 

After all of that...and many hours later, I was able to stand on my own.  Without help from the S/O I engaged in some self soothing techniques that sealed the deal!  I lit my sage, enjoyed a long bubble bath...and listened to worship music for what seemed like hours.  I was in my own world!  Ended the night with some guided meditation, and slept peacefully.

A few things that I learned yesterday is:

*Six months ago, I would have allowed being triggered to completely consume me and destroy my day/life...once anxiety sets in, it's hard to get out of it's grip.  While I did have help from my S/O---I utilized the skills I've learned in DBT, and was able to get on with my day/life.  I initially felt as though I had failed to utilize my DBT skills, but I was able to pull it together!! Progress....in the smallest form is STILL progress!!!!!


*I'm not perfect...but I'm SURELY not the person I used to be. 

*Let go of criticism!!  People will criticize you and try to keep you bound to your past and the person that you USED to be. The past is just that, MY PAST.  I didn't run from it, I owned it and learned from it and NOW I'm going forward.

*What other people express is more about THEM and their perceptions...not about me, and I don't have to take their perceptions personally. We are all individually entitled to our own perceptions.  People will be people.

*TRUE loyalty doesn't fade...even when the friendship/relationship has.  I have to be ME, regardless of what THEY do or say. 

*Last but certainly not least......yesterday, I realized more than ever, how blessed I am to have someone to walk this journey WITH me.  Someone who promised to love me UNTIL I learned to love myself.  Even in crisis, good things are revealed.

Free To Be Me!

The new year has been absolutely WONDERFUL to me.  I've grown and learned so much over the last six months...not just about myself, but about LIFE.  I've spent an enormous amount of time in therapy, in Al-Anon, in DBT, in church, in life coaching sessions.....not just figuring out where and why my life went wrong---but fixing and healing those areas that needed it.  I had to go BACK to where I got OFF track in order to get back on the right track!!  The journey hasn't been easy, but the wisdom from my pain has been the most rewarding thing on Earth!

First up was learning to love myself.  Easier said than done...but as I told my friend Owetta last week it has taken me 37 years to FINALLY get it right.  Now that I've gotten it right, it's truly the most AMAZING feeling ever.  How could I have survived this long...not TRULY loving ME?  I mean....loving ALL of me.  My good AND my bad....my positives AND my negatives...my ups AND my downs...my strengths AND my weaknesses....my past AND my future. The Bible says ALL things work together for the good of them that love the Lord.  ALL things are inclusive of my mistakes, my mess-ups, insecurities, my screw-ups, my bad behavior, they are WORKING for my GOOD!!

 As I began to learn to love me...it free'd me to BE myself.  No longer did I need to pretend to be something or someone that I was not.  No longer did I need to beg and steal love from others that weren't willing to give it to me freely.  No longer did I need to lie about who I was to ENSURE that someone loved me.  As I began to love me, it opened up the path for me to be loved by others! *giggles*

Do I still stumble with the self-love from time to time? SURE I do.  I've gone 37 years without it, and it's not gonna correct itself over night.  One thing is for sure though---I've worked HARD at achieving that goal!!  For everyone that knows me....I'm an overachiever.  I get DONE what I set my mind to do!!

Bottom line is....I love ME.  The REAL me.  The TRUE me.....and I can care LESS who doesn't.

Happy New Year!!!

So I've been a little M I A lately.  I totally neglected my blog.  I went on vacation, got relaxed and rejuvenated and almost immediately upon my return home I got sick...yep, totally wiped out from that flu bug.  Not many things or people can totally wipe me out for weeks at a time, but I had to succumb to more rest and relaxation as my body dealt with the flu. It was NO FUN!!!  But here we are in 2013......a new year to get it right!  It's only been two days into the new year, but SO FAR, SO GOOD!  I just wanted to pop in and say hi, let ya'll know I'm OK....blogs will continue this week!!