World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day!

I encourage everyone to educate themselves about mental health issues that affect millions of people all over the world.  This year's theme is "Depression: A Global Crisis."

This theme is very dear and close to my heart.  Depression affects more than 350 million people worldwide that spans across all ages, races, genders, tax brackets, and it is evident in all of our communities.

Depression can lead one down a very dark road, that is extremely difficult to navigate out of, without proper support and help.  I myself have suffered through bouts of severe depression, and know first hand how debilitating the illness is and how it can negatively affect every aspect of your life, and how it can sometimes lead to suicide or suicide attempts.  I've been there. It's REAL...and not something that the person suffering with can just "snap out of."  While we have all experienced episodes of feeling sad or blue, everyone hasn't experienced clinical depression.

During my latest battle with depression, I lost 30+ pounds in a matter of months.  I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I was irritable and agitated, hopeless, making bad decisions....all I could feel was the overwhelming and intense sadness & emptiness that was constantly accompanied by crying and eventually led to a suicide attempt.  Not a day's worth of tears, but this went on DAILY for more than a month.  I got all of the normal insensitive comments from lots of people...things like: snap out of it...refocus...you took your eye off of God, etc.  These people simply weren't educated on the fact that depression is a REAL issue, and snapping out of it, is not remotely reality.

Even in the world of celebrities.  This year alone, our world has been rocked by the suicide deaths of British film director Tony Scott, former NFL player Junior Seau, and current NFL Player O.J Murdock.  These celebrities lived lives that "normal" people would die to live.  Yet they were themselves dying inside....suffering from depression that the "normal" people simply don't get.

So today, I urge you to familiarize yourself with the symptoms of depression!  If you or a loved one experience 5 or more of these symptoms, reach out for help!  Help is often times, just a phone call away.  For me, help came in the form of an emergency room visit...if you don't have insurance, I urge you to take that route.  They won't turn you away!!!

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Overeating or appetite loss
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

It's difficult to watch someone you love battle depression.  If you do have a loved one that's suffering from, or struggling with depression, I'd like to offer these three little things you can do that may help.

1.  Ask questions:  People with depression often times feel lonely and isolated.  Once they feel you are concerned or are aware of what they are dealing with, sometimes they are more open  or apt to speak about their feelings.

2. Listen:  More than likely, a person that's depressed will tell you things that will probably scare you. (IE: speak of suicide or self harm)  Be supportive, non-judgmental, and really LISTEN to what they are saying.  They more than likely really want to be heard, and aren't necessarily speaking to you for advice.  Validate their feelings and let them know they aren't alone.

3. Encourage them to seek professional help:  The depressed person has to want to help him or herself!!!  Gently encourage them to seek professional help.  You may assist with finding therapists, doctors, etc...but they should be they ones making the actual calls.

Life Goes On...

I neglected to say in my last two posts, that I never in a million years would have thought that "I" would be suffering from a mental illness.  People generally look at me as accomplished, well off, successful, and skilled in my profession.  No matter the accolades I received, I still felt like a failure, inadequate, insecure and never quite good enough; but that goes right back to the signs of BPD---an unstable self image or sense of self.

I DID NOT know I that had BPD when I've built any of the friendships I have had over my lifetime, or when I cultivated the relationships throughout my life, or even with the rise and demise of my marriage, I was CLUELESS.  Had I known, I would have certainly revealed that information...as a precaution to ANYONE that attempted to form any type of relationship with me.  This is no different than if I had an infectious disease that could possibly put someone else at risk, I'd reveal.  But I didn't know, and I didn't intentionally build a friendship to hurt or betray.  In FACT, in this particular instance (with my friend), I actually set out to do what God urged me to do, and that was sow into her life finacially.  Had I stuck with doing ONLY what he said do, I would have probably saved everyone, including myself a lot of pain. 

What I did know.... I knew that I didn't befriend people often, but when I did...the connections would be extremely intense.  I knew that my inner circle was more like a dot, than an actual circle, outside of the childhood friends I made, there weren't others...but I chalked that up to my being extremely shy, introverted, quiet and private.  This no doubt came from how I was raised.  What I saw going on in my household, was NOT to be repeated....and I didn't.  I in turn grew up to be watchful but quiet. 

It troubled me ALOT that my friend felt as though I came into her life to intentionally hurt and betray her....with a mental illness that I didn't even KNOW existed at the time.  I've since had to radically accept (DBT at work) that I can't change what people think or feel about me.

So....Life after diagnosis.

I must say that I've spent an enormous amount of time and money working on getting to a better place after my diagnosis.  My BPD diagnosis was coupled with a severe depression diagnosis, thus resulting in a few inpatient stays, as well as PHP.  My first night in inpatient, as I cried myself to sleep, I told myself that I was greater than my struggles...and I was going to fight my way back to ME.  I've put in the work, and though the road is extremely long, and I have ages before full recovery...I have HOPE that one day I'll get there. 

I can't do it alone though, and I learned from one of my in-patient stays that when you have no friend/family support, you have to rely on your formal support system...and I have a FORMAL support system that helps me every step of the way.  You're not supposed to keep a good thing to yourself, so today...I'll share where MY help comes from:






1.  GOD

2.  My Psychatrist- Dr. Jamuna Raju, Arlington VA

3.  My Psychologist- Dr. Rose Merchant, Clinton MD

4.  My Life Coach (just added)- Tiffany Taylor, @TiffanyLael

5. Outpatient DBT Team at The Retreat at Sheppard Pratt, Baltimore MD

6. The BEST DAILY BPD help ever from Debbie Corso, @healingfrombpd

Currently I'm on 40 MG of Celexa, 25MG of Doxepin, 600 MG of Trileptal daily and 25 MG of Sonata daily---and Ativan as needed for Anxiety. I meet with my psychiatrist monthly to assess the effectiveness of my meds.  I attend weekly sessions of psychotherapy with my psychologist. Weekly DBT sessions, both individual and group. I have monthly sessions with my life coach. I get DAILY doses of inspiration, encouragement and tips for living with BPD from Debbie via twitter and facebook.






Well, that's all for now #BPDFriends...please know, that you're NEVER ALONE!  We're in this thing together!

Understanding BPD....

So...two months after my initial diagnosis, my friend began dating someone very close to me.  As they began courting and dating a lot of information was revealed about me that completely shocked her.  I was NOT the person that she thought I was.  There were inconsistencies (let's call a spade a spade, they were lies) and major exaggerations about my life that she couldn't even begin to understand.  Who was this person that she thought she knew?  Most people with BPD wear masks...we become who we think you want us to be, and we hide our true selves out of fear of rejection.  I can honestly say this really WAS me.  The professional world calls us manipulative, liars, and narcissists....but sometimes, we really don't even know our reality from the lies.  None of what I did or said was done intentionally to hurt or betray her, in fact, they were totally unconscious acts, but I fell into the BPD cycle, and began to continue living this lie out of the fear that if she knew who I REALLY was, she would abandon me, and I was correct.  Abandonment Sensitivity is just one of the  apparent signs of a person living with BPD.  Often times, when we perceive we are being abandoned, we behave in desperate frantic ways in an attempt to avoid the abandonment.  For sure, with her....I did.  I begged her not to leave me or give up on me.

She was furious to know that I had indeed lied to her about portions of my life.  NOT my upbringing, NOT what I've suffered through most of my life....but about superficial things that were irrelevant to even lie about.  She lives a life that's based on truth and authenticity, and I invaded her life and her space with immorality and lies.

Understandably so, she was too angry to ever really listen to what I attempted to explain.  There was always anger and consternation in her voice when I tried to call.  She placed a lot of blame, which I deserved...but she was blinded by her anger, and I never got an opportunity to explain or reveal.   Not that she would have believed me at that point anyway, I'd spent almost two years living a semi-lie.  I tried desperately to get her to speak with my psychiatrist, so that someone other than ME could tell her about the hell that I had been living, but to no avail.  It was too late.  I had betrayed beyond repair, and I was left feeling hopeless and empty.  Left to struggle with overcoming not only BPD, but also surviving the severe depression that resulted from losing both her (as well as the person she had begun to date.). Finally my worst fears were realized. My life was shattered in a million pieces, and I couldn't even BEGIN to see how I was to go on.

Even as I entered the recovery process for depression....and healing from BPD, I realized I still had a LONG way to go!  Often times, people with BPD abandon people, before they abandon them.  This was no different for me.  In one of my emotional impulses, I deleted her (and all her friends) from my  Facebook account, and Instagram.  There was no purpose in it, other than to shut her out of my life, before she could shut me out of hers.  People with BPD are so emotional sometimes, we get impulsive...and do anything to relieve the pain.  What often feels like something "small" to the normal person is often magnified and intensified to us...intense emotions such as fear, hurt, anxiety, anger, sadness, and shame can last for hours or days.

People who suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder often have histories of intense relationships that begin and end very suddenly....LORD, am I a witness to THIS!

I say all this to say...it's so important for the non-borderline people in our lives to get educated about this mental illness, because sometimes....education leads to understanding, and understanding sometimes leads to compassion. I truly wish all the victims that have come into contact with someone that is living with BPD would seek to be educated as well....not as a means of reconciliation and restoration per say, but as that final piece to the puzzle of healing.  Sometimes, if you really understood WHY people do the things that they do.....it helps in the healing process.  I'm EXTREMELY sorry, for the lives I've ruined because of this..to the people I've hurt, betrayed and let down.  I can repair some of those relationships, but the ones I can't, I accept my role in why it can't be repaired.  I plan to do open letters to the people in my life that I've hurt, but I need more internet time than I'm currently afforded to get that done.

I'm not suggesting that I deserve a "get out of jail free" card, because ultimately....no matter what disorder I have, there are always choices to be made, and I made HORRIBLE ones.  My diagnosis and discovery doesn't absolve me of  ANY of my indiscretions.  There are consequences to EVERY choice we make, and I'm learning to live with the consequences of my actions.  BUT, I just want to be understood...and not mislabeled as a horrible person, as a monster, as a nightmare.....because although I made horrible decisions that negatively affected the life of another, those labels about me simply aren't true, or fair.  The biggest misconception and label that has been placed on me is that I was a physical threat to my friend.  A physical threat to myself, YES.  Bringing harm, or a physical threat to her or others, NEVER.   It saddens me that people sometimes tend to invalidate my pain, and claim that my mental illness isn't real.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...but try it for a day, or even an hour. You'll see it's very real.

What I am, is a strong person...that's battling to understand who I am.  Every day is a struggle, but I am determined more than ever to regain my life!  I understand that I have self-identity issues, self-esteem issues, self-worth issues, and self-love issues.  These issues are from deeply rooted childhood problems.  But, as I think, I'm proud of myself for going through what "normal" people couldn't even handle.  I'm proud of how strong I am, and how much ability I have to cope with emotional pain.  I am...a strong, amazing, beautiful soul.......that's well on my way to a long road that ends with full recovery.

My next blog will outline my current treatment regimine, my formal support team, and where I am on this journey.

Lastly...I'll leave you with this video, that explains a little how I'm feeling today!  To all my #BPDBuddies, you are NOT Alone!!!!!

Boderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

My BPD Story....

This past July, I encountered a situation where I did something TOTALLY out of character.  A friend of mine began dating a guy.  Prior to this, my friend and I were pretty much inseparable.  We spoke on the phone several times a day, messaged one another incessantly, visited often and texting was pretty much an every day event too.  As she began to date, I felt her pull away from me....and I literally lost my mind.  I made EVERY attempt at making SURE she didn't "leave me".  You may be reading this, and thinking like most---that I was crazy, but THIS is the life INSIDE of someone living with BPD. You see, people living with BPD often make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.  Whether it was real or imagined, I felt as though she wasn't paying attention to me  anymore.  She wasn't calling as often, not texting much, and my frequent visits were now in question because there was someone ELSE in here life that also needed to visit.  I was consumed with fear and anger, yet again another symptom of living with BPD, inappropriate, intense anger...and I did some things to hurt her, before she could hurt me.  I packed every single item that I had stored at her home, and I took it with me.  You see, people with BPD live in black or white....there is no grey in our worlds.  Either she was gonna be my friend...or she wasn't---there was NO in between, in MY mind....she couldn't be my friend AND have a happy life of her own. 

So I left- heartbroken that she hadn't chosen ME over her own happiness, and she was left wondering WTF was going on in my "crazy ass" head. What neither of us realized at the time, was that I was suffering from BPD...and all of the BPD "catch phrases" were evident in that situation.  I repeatedly asked her not to leave me, not to give up on me, I panicked and ran outside after her barefoot when all she wanted to do was take a walk to clear her head.....in MY mind, she was leaving me. People with BPD tend to do ANYTHING, just so you won't leave them.

She was noticeably more distant after that incident, and I once again panicked.  I immediately recognized an increase in impulsive behavior on my part, but emotionally, I shut down. I kept it all in. I fell into a depression. I didn't eat. Panic attacks were increasing. I fainted from dehydration. Hospital visits were frequent...this was NO way to live. I immediately began to seek answers as to WHY I was behaving so erratically.  I had been seeing a therapist for some time, regarding childhood stuff that I've been trying to overcome in my adult life...but this situation was SERIOUS.  I didn't even know who I was...and I didn't like it.

I was met with opposition.  It seemed as if NO psychiatrist in the entire Washington DC area were accepting new clients...the BEST psychiatrists had waiting lists and weren't scheduling appointments until 3 months away.  But God dropped a gem into my lap...and she opened up a whole new world for me as I was properly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  This probably should have been the point at which I shared my diagnosis with my friend.  I was too ashamed.  The stigma behind people with mental illnesses are vast, and I didn't want to be offically labelled as "crazy"...she had in fact called me that several times, and I didn't want her to think that she was right.  So I hid my diagnosis, and suffered in silence, hoping that I could get meds and therapy, and make it all better (or make it go away) before she caught on.  Truth is, there is no cure for BPD...no magic pill...and it's something I'm stuck with for the rest of my life.  Many people actually go on to live healthy lives with proper medication management and therapy.  I personally do psychotherapy in addition to DBT (individual & group) and just added a life coach!

At some point, I'll reveal my ENTIRE formal support team...all my doctors, hospital inpatient care facilities, etc....but today is about BPD education.

What is BPD??  I'm glad you asked!! (info from Mayo Clinic)

Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.
Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:

• Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, promiscuity , gambling sprees, compulsive spending or illegal drug use
• Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
• Wide mood swings
• Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
• Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
• Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
• Suicidal behavior
• Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
• Fear of being alone
• Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing

When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. Your self-image, self-identity or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes you may feel as if you don't exist at all. An unstable self-image often leads to frequent changes in jobs, friendships, goals and values.
Your relationships are usually in turmoil. You may idealize someone one moment and then abruptly and dramatically shift to fury and hate over perceived slights or even minor misunderstandings. This is because people with borderline personality disorder often have difficulty accepting gray areas — things seem to be either black or white.

In my next blog, I'll fast forward to what happened two months AFTER my diagnosis...how I hit rock bottom, how my worst fears were realized,  how I lost just about everything that mattered to me...and how I hated BPD for ruining my life---THIS made me fight even harder to beat this thing, and take control back over my life!

Lastly, I'll leave you with this video that I feel NAILS what it feels like living with BPD.  I couldn't have made a better video....it explains EVERYTHING I've felt over the past few years of my life.  If you're living with BPD....you are NOT alone!